How to Talk to your kids about Current Events, Gun Control, and other very uncomfortable things. Talking to kids about abduction. How One Mom did Start the Conversation...

You know how Facebook friends post on current events and you don't chime in, that's me. I do click "like" to scope out and follow the post, and comments. To see where the pulse of America is (okay my circle of friends America, and their friends). It's perspective... And it gets me thinking about what is happening in the world around me.

How to Talk to your kids about Current Events, Gun Control, and other very uncomfortable things. Talking to kids about abduction. 

How One Mom did Start the Conversation...

I also realize that this is the place that I note my reflections and said Facebook Post. Recently a facebook friend had a post on gun control. I don't always chime in, I leave it for the here... But this time I did comment. I commented? Me? I don't know why. And then I wanted to delete my comment when I had to run out and left the deleting for later. And when I got back to Facebook, my Comments had comments...

I'm definitely not conservative, but on this issue I am. Or I am liberal? (I am the daughter of a hunter and let me say venison - yum). I feel my job as a parent is to prepare my kids for what life has to throw at them. And when these public "health and safety" issues arise my position is constant: I try to teach my kids to constantly be "defensive." And my comment was in this zone, prepare your kids.

"But this time I did comment. I commented?

Me? I don't know why. And then I wanted

to delete my comment . . . ("Don't Get Involved.") I

had to run out and left the deleting for later. 

And when I got back to Facebook, my comment had

comments."

So a gal wanted perspective on "how" to start the kid conversation. She doesn't know where to begin on such a difficult subject. . . And I have been there to. Where to start?

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After every shooting for 2 years now we talk about possible shootings at school, home, and we talk escape plans, how to hide. I am not an army of one, I cant stop the shooting, crimes, bad drivers. But I can teach the kids to run away from shootings, be defensive drivers, and when to fight back.

"How" to start the kid conversation.

She didn't know where to begin on

such a difficult subject . . . 

at first neither did I."

When I read the book and blogged about "IT" - talking to Kids about Sex - the author said Kids Do Know what is being discussed in the media. Kids hear what we parents say in the background. Even if you don't think they are paying attention they absolutely hear the news that you are watching on TV. 

I have to teach these little ones all the important things in life,

unfortunately that includes gun control, strangers, and other

scary current events

And he gives specific examples. Think of that Moment when kids ask You "Mommy, why was the Movie theater shot up?" Or after the recent shootings in Chicago, the kids heard a lot of talk at school. These things happen, we can not keep kids in earmuffs. So I have take the "prepare them" route. At least their friends wont be the only source of information, and hopefully they'll always know they can come to mom for information.

As for the kids...

The first conversation was hard, then they come easier. When kidnappings from stores are on the news, we talk about screaming, kicking, and biting. A mentally ill shooter, we talk about that too. I hope they aren't paralyzed with fear and they know to run away.

The actual message:

So I am typing you a reply, and its genuine and honest - please know take it for what its worth and adjust for your own parenting style. I don't wanna offend anyones values, this just works for our house.

"It's a shocking moment when kids

ask You 'Mommy, why was the Movie

theater shot up?"

Mine are 10, 7, and 3. After the Target incident I was suddenly inclined to ask them: "what would you do if someone grabbed you at a store?" I let them answer ... Then I asked "what if they Ask you to go with them?" It puts the kids in the right state of mind to think for themselves. In that moment their not afraid, their thinking defensively.

Later, as were driving, I start to tell them my insights: No one can take you/touch you without moms permission. No one can give you candy without my permission. (They know cause when restaurants wanna give them a lollipop at the cashier, they have to come and ask me 1st or I take it away.)

Then I said no one can touch you or grab you or a store Clerk even says "come on your mom lost you." If they do, run away, bite them, scream your head off, be the Naughty kid who is yelling!! Kidnappers don't wanna draw attention, right? (The kids really liked the idea of it being okay to be naughty and crazy in this instance).

This parts important: after hearing an FBI kidnapping expert on Oprah. Children must know its not their fault if they're taken. If mommy did lose you, you wont be in trouble. And if someone takes you to their home, keep fighting, keep trying to get away.

We have seriously had 100's of talks. When the girl was hidden in the woods underground and kept trying to send her mom texts, I told my kids, cause that's how she was found.

Fear for kids does come days later. "Mommy I don't want anyone to take me away." I reassure them that I will always do my best to keep them safe, but some people are crazy - if you are afraid know you can run and/or fight. That's their only "power" in a situation.

Good luck and keep talking!

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Make Mistakes, breathe, reflect and Laugh.Out.Loud.

#WhyIStayed tweets remind me to teach my kids NOW. Take Responsibility, Steps to an Apology, Talking to Kids.

I've always been an advocate for taking responsibility for "what you did do" instead of telling me the typical kids (and often adult) reply "but he...". I didn't realize or actuality my "taking responsibility" philosophy until I had my kids.

As with most things, watching my kids interact it helps crystallize how I feel about the subjects and issues that come
up in real life via the news, NPR, Facebook and Twitter. This post goes a little around the bush when it comes to the issue around the #whyIstayed tweets highlighting that we should ask the abuser "why they hit/hurt" not ask the victim why they stayed. These tweets reminded me how we have come a Long way in our home to evolve and develop the philosophy to: *Take Responsability for what you did do.*

We humans don't naturally take well to "taking responsibility." It's so much easier to deflect, and blame people or inanimate objects: my computer isn't working, he didn't get me the file I needed in time to complete the summary, it's not my fault I had 2 hours of homework and I didn't finishy chores. However this no longer flies in our home. I started seeing my kids, and neighborhood kids telling stories with the *blame something* reason, and parents agreeing with their kid! These observations awakened my frustration when others don't take responsibility for their actions. And frankly when we parents and guardians don't teach our kids HOW to take responsibility.

#WhyIStayed tweets remind me to teach my kids NOW, a photo by areyousureaboutthatblog on Flickr.

Enough of the blame game.

#WhyIStayed tweets remind me to teach my kids NOW, a photo by areyousureaboutthatblog on Flickr.

How to Apologize

I once watched the Bachelor: the final rise ceremony (even tho I don't watch the series I always seem to catch this particular season end-episode) and observed the Worst Apology. A brief, insincere, "well I'm sorry for that." Clearly the crappy apology resonated with me because the next day I witnessed one of my older sons one-in-a-dozen apologize to his brother in a lame insincere way and because mom "said so." The TV shows fake apology irked me, and brought to my conscious surface the fact that I hate insincerity. Don't bother apologizing for the sake of saying the words, do it right or don't do it all. I want my boys "to do what's right BECAUSE it's the right thing to do." And do it correctly.

After these two a-ha moments, I googled a proper apology. I knew you needed to say "I am sorry" (while making eye-contact), but I even lacked knowing the other two important parts. A prope apology has 3-steps. First: Acknowledge what you DID do. Second: Saying I'm sorry. And Third: Making up for what you did.

"The TV shows fake apology irked me,

 and brought to my conscious surface

 the fact that I hate insincerity. Don't

 bother apologizing for the sake of

saying the words, do it right or

don't do it all." 

For my kids the hardest learning was Acknowledge what YOU did. Kids readily say "I'm sorry I hit you... BUT don't take my toy from me." Instantly defeating the purpose of the apology and using the "BUT he" to instantly blaming the person they hurt. Or the alternative "But I didn't ... (Do what I'm being blamed for). The denial of the younger brother accusation, because the younger brother is slightly off in his explanation of what happened. I just shit it down! Mom says: "Take Responsibility for what you did do!" Oh my! The "But He" and "but I didn't" doesn't fly with that statement. It's not an open-ended "what did you do?" Instead it's direct because I'm telling them to step up and "take Responsibility." We've found that the key element.

I leaned early to teach the kids what "their Responsibility is." Granted after my young son was born this became easier because I witnessed that i am not an octopus and I can't do it all. I also didn't want entitled children - that's a separate blog post. So my standard line evolved. Feed the dog, it's your Responsibility. Clean your room, I don't play their, it's your Responsibility. And when my older son began to argue... Why do I have to empty the dish washer? I said for An Entire Summer in 2014 "it's your Responsibility. I have to make lunch, dinner, take care of baby girl, take care of everyone's laundry... Do You Do That? No! Because those are my responsibilities. Everyone in this house has a Responsibility, and for now, this one is yours." My older son couldn't argue his way outta that.

I'll ice the kids this: it's uber hard to stand their and just say what "you did" without blaming anyone or anything. Extremely difficult even for me as an adult. Taking full Responsibility for your share of the crime, wow! How rarely do we see that happen with adults, let alone kids?

I think I blogged previously of when my older son, then in kindergarten, needed to apologize to his teacher. I made him memorize the 3 steps, And repeat it a dozen times between 3 pm Wednesday and 8 am Thursday. (I am happy to report I'm a better mom and the apology system flows in our house thru practice now and not military drills.)

I personally have lived this apology style after teaching it to my kids. It really is very difficult to simply acknowledge only your portion of the act. But it's also EXTREMELY empowering. Borderline manipulative power. As an aside, when I've witnessed my kids enact the "take Responsibility for what YOU DID do."

Building Character thru Taking Responsibility

Which brings me to an interesting by product of the "take Responsibility" philosophy and "proper apology," building character. I read a fabulous book early in my older sons life titles "The Men they will become," which discussed how character forms and how boys become men. (I think I have blogged about how this book helped me also understand developing a boys "emotional toolbox," see those blog labels too.) He was 2 years old when I was learning about why we need to let boys make mistakes. And when boys take stupid risks, it's their natural way of learning (note: the stupid risks are arguably not INSANE and danger risk levels are curbed because we've done our parenting job and the little voice goes off in my sons head saying "this isn't a good idea!"). 

Mistakes are critical to child development. But we need to tell the kids, show them to learn from their mistake, and them it becomes a lesson! And a learning. All the while building character, because their doing things, and verbalizing emotionally difficult subjects, embarrassing ones. But I hope, that at this young age - if I ingrained that act of taking responsibility - maybe my kids will not take crazy risks. They've lived a difficult apology, and reparations which prepare them (the boys especially) for preventative good decision making.

Prevention

This parts lasts, because it started when my older son was 6 or so. You don't beat people up. You don't hit girls ever. You can restrain others from hitting you, but you don't start the fight. A gentleman defends his honor, and his family, but he doesn't provoke an attack.

I have also told my boys that when it's time to get married, pick a girl who speaks another language, who can cook as my kids will know how to cook well also), who loves you and who doesn't start fights with you. You shouldn't have to argue a lot.

These are simple principles, but their reiterated very often in our home. Very Often, as often as the dangers of crossing the street!!!

I hope all these values combined: "taking Responsability for what you did do, and reparations," help build their character. To do things in life that are difficult, and build their emotional toolbox.

Then the guiding values of the "qualities their partner should have" in addition to what the kids will eventually find attractive, will help them stay away from people who instigate, and those that live in anger.

And then there's this,....the Church forcing the issues 


#WhyIStayed tweets, we can't allow the church to hide it's abuses anymore, a photo by areyousureaboutthatblog on Flickr.

I hope in the end - this helps all of us avoid the #whyIstayed scenario. Because they've been taught to take Responsibility if their actions and words.

Make mistakes. Breathe, reflect, and Laugh.Out.Loud!!!

The lesser of two evils: Tap Water

Ah tap water. Free flowing into homes around the U. S. and mostly drinkable. Our tap water in Chicago is chemically treated to be drinkable, with he michaels like chlorine, fluoride and other additives to be considered Drinkable and mostly "safe."

Theres been taste tests on water where people taste 3-4 samples of water, including tap, and they have to tell which tastes better or "find the tap water." Usually tap water can be guessed easily. It has an awkward smell and a taste. When water shouldn't have a taste, right?

So what's so great about tap water. Because it flows from the tap, and while there's an aftertaste, it is drinkable. Or easily filtered to eliminate most of those additives.

Tap water is the lesser of two evils, with the great evil being "oral fecal." Not familiar with that term. Most water around the world IS NOT drinkable from the tap. Most of the worlds water is infected with water illnesses including diarrhea, hepatitis, dysentery, and tyfoid. The author acknowledged that nearly everyone in his family has hepatitis due to the water born problem in their country.

I too, a born and raised American, am relearning All. The. Time. why this is "such a great country." why it's a privilege to live here. Can you even imagine getting cramps, diarrhea, and life threatening disease from water? The water appar ently, as discussed to my horror in the interview, is odorless aind mostly clear, however it has trace levels of feces capable of causing these water born illnesses.

Hamid's wife was diagnosed with hepatitis the day after their wedding. "And it was the second time she had had it," he said. "Virtually everybody in my family has had either hepatitis or typhoid or something of that sort. You know, water-borne illness is everywhere. It affects the poor, and it also affects the affluent in a place like Pakistan... 

And dont think your safe traveling to high end resorts and hotels, water is precious, and scams are one way that you can also get sick,

Jamie shared further "So people are selling water, and both at the luxury level, where you have these high-end mineral waters and also at the level of just poor people needing something to drink. So his scam (the books character, taken from real life scenarios) is to take mineral water bottles that have been consumed at high-end restaurants, buy the empties, take tap water, boil it a little bit, pour it into these mineral water bottles and reseal it so it looks like it's an authentic water bottle and sell it back to the exact same restaurants, who probably suspect that it's a scam product, but because it's so much cheaper than the water they buy normally are happy to take it on."

This fabulous interview came from NPR on Fresh Air.

Mohsin Hamid, the author of How to Get Filthy Rich In Rising Asia. The business that Hamid’s main character in the novel finally makes his money in is … water. Bottled water, however, in this case. A sneak peak at what Hamid has to say on the subject of water.

I highly recommend (unsolicited, un-paid endorsement) this podcast, so you can hear about something I'm certain you haven't even fathomed before.

So, the next time I'm in a fancy schmancy restaurant, and the waiter asks "Bottled Water, or regular?" I'll go regular, good 'ol Tap! Because we can.

Water-born illness is everywhere. It affects the poor and it also affects the affluent in a place like affluent in a place like Pakistan. … Basically you get it either from drinking water, brushing your teeth with tap water or perhaps somebody prepared your food and they had washed their hands in that water or touched the water or handed washed their hands at all. The mode of transmission is what’s called oral-fecal and that sort of unsavory term really sums up how you get it.

How to get filthy rich in rising Asiahttp://www.npr.org/2013/03/13/174021020/a-young-man-gets-filthy-rich-boiling-bottling-tap-water


Make mistake. Breathe, reflect. And Laugh.Out.Loud ... Enjoy that glass of water too.