Safe Fear versus Real Fear

When my older son was very little I have blogged about an idea of boys and violence, and what is considered "safe violence," You can read about that here in the post "My Son "Plays Rough" - How to Distinguish Violent Versus Rough Play. And I still recommend that documentary about "Raising Cain."

A little bit about safe fear. Walking dead is a hugely popular program right now. And I find my kids are very into playing hide and seek, and really scaring each other.

"I think all of us like to be scared once in a while, but it's most fun being scared when you know you're actually safe." The scary holiday, dressing at scary face and ideas of scary places, halloween of course has always been big at our house. I think all of us like to be scared once in a while, but it's most fun being scared when you know you're actually safe. You can enjoy this year without that feeling of horror. Goosebumps is a program that we love to watch on Netflix, we discovered it when our cousin came to live with us from Guatemala for that month. We'd watch goosebumps and my children would get startled and squeeze my arm and tell me to hold them. And then we would laugh about it afterwards because we knew it always had a scary and then funny part, and a safe ending at the end.

Safe fear is important for children to experience. They can talk about zombies and hitting them over the head with the television or shooting them in the brains with a gun as they might've seen in previews of the walking dead. It's important for children to understand what real fear is so when they do experience it in the life, which they most certainly will at some point, they'll have a concept of the feelings they have/haven't experienced and the concept of what to do when that moment arrives.

For example all this year on Halloween and preparation for Halloween my children remember the zombie mask my dad had given them the year before. They hate that mask. It is terribly scary. They told me even though I had begged and begged and begged that no, I could not dress up like a zombie from the walking dead. My make up would probably be "too good" said my younger son. I did buy a costume that was a zombie t-shirt and I asked to put it into my sons chupacabra costume he requested this year. But he overrode the piece that was the zombie part - too gross, too scary.

Finally Halloween had arrived, and to my shock and amusement. My children said that yes I can dress as a zombie next year. But the pirate costume has gone on too much and I need to change it up a little.

We went to see the new goosebumps movie that was released this year 2015. Yes we took my three-year-old. And she loved it along with her brothers and mom and dad. We were familiar with nearly every story line, except the aliens who freeze people, and praying mantis, and the abominable snowman. Those were storylines we had not seen on netflix.

Older son is getting very interested in the goosebumps books and he is starting to be done. My younger son wants to buy some of the Scholastic book fair. I said "don't you know the stories are scary?" "Yes but they always have a great ending" said my son. And that's a fear. The children explore the idea of being afraid and seriously in danger and having their wits about them and figuring out how to get out of the situation.

I don't know if this fear obsession comes back from nature were boys are determined to protect us and so we dream at night about running away from werewolves or fighting a small little rodent get me biting at our feet. It's our brain's way of processing through scenarios that could actually happen.

So when my kids are asking to be afraid, I encourage it. With in reason. My son wanted to watch scary movie, the hilarious comedy based on the screen series. So I insisted he watch the beginning of scream just the parts where the girl was home alone is getting phone calls. On the moment when the killer came in and the actual murder scene of course I covered his eyes and switched the TV channel. That's allowing fear within reason (it works for us) and pushing the boundaries of safe fear. We watched scary movie. He understood what the storyline was about. And he still slept in our bed that night. He was not happy with the scream mask that uses blood all over itself that his cousin offered him to wear for the next Halloween.

Make mistakes, breathe, reflect. And definitely laugh. out. loud.

A Little Walk

Why do we protest? What do we tell our kids and family members who do not understand the protest?

I recently came across what is one of the most powerful example of WHY people who gather are actually doing something. For those who "don't understand" why there was a March on Washington organized by Women... it is to bring attention to a large number of issue that still need attention. Yes it really is that simple. The best sign of the day was "I can't believe I still have to protest this sh$t."

Want to relate to kids about the March? Read further below the grey "A Little Walk."

Examples from History include ---

People want to belittle this effort by calling it a "little walk." "What's a little walk going to do," they say.

A little walk by protesters to Boston Harbor sparked a nation's independence from a monarchy. 

A little walk from Selma to Montgomery, and from the Washington Monument to the Lincoln Memorial sparked the enactment of civil rights legislation for the American descendants of former slaves and changed the world's conscience about hate and the importance of nonviolent protest against the evils of this world.

A little walk by students and young people to Washington, DC helped to change America's conscience about the Vietnam War. 

A little walk by a Chinese boy in Tianamin Square helped the world see the oppressive regime of the People's Republic of China.

A little walk by protesters in Cape Town, galvanized the world against South Africa's apartheid regime, and helped to free the Freedom Fighter who was in jail for over 2 decades, who would one day become South Africa's first Black President. 

A little walk by tired and frustrated citizens to Tahir Square in Egypt caused a 30 year President to resign. 

Little walks are powerful and can change a nation. Little walks are powerful and can change the world.

#WhyIMarch 

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A series of Photos from the Protest are available thru my Flickr Feed. Click on it.

#WhyIMarch our photos from the Chicago Women's March on Washington. March, 2017

My older son initially did not want to attend the march with mom. He was concerned about it being a "Women's March" and being the only boy there. My husband, a history buff reminded him about the March's he is learning about in his 6th grade class. King, Freedan, Civil Rights, ERA, etc. The conversation was "go and take part in something bigger than you." You don't want to regret not going when in 20 years people will probably talk about this March and this Election, you can say you were a part of it.  Yes, it really is that simple to be a part of something bigger than ourselves. 

"Yes, it really is that simple 

to be a part of something 

bigger than ourselves. " - Husband

And my husband for safety sake did not want me to take the little ones. One day earlier, in Washington during President Trump's inauguration the protests did get violent and vandalism occurred at the corner Starbuck's. For that reason, if I would need to "run away from danger," Older Son can keep up with you. I am happy to report that the purported nearly 250,000 who attended were peaceful with no violence reported.

If you are reading this post, please post a comment below on what you liked - or didn't  - about this read. Does the topic interest you and you want to know more? Submit a question and I am happy to tackle it.

I add to this sentiment . . . Walk with me my sister and together we can change the world!

Make Mistakes, breathe, reflect and Laugh.Out.Loud and walk with me sister.

Baby Girls Birth and Older Sons Questions over the Phone

Older son was at my Babcia's house when I called him to announce the birth of our baby girl. We knew when she was coming. That morning mom and dad went to the hospital early and his Tia took him to school. After class aunt picked him up and walked him over to grandmas. 

He usually doesn't like talking on the phone. He is 7 years old. The enthusiasm I experienced from talking to him was so wonderful.

Here were his questions that mom had the pleasure of answering:
From the boy who doesn't like talking over the phone:...

How is the baby?

Can u take a picture of her and bring it home for me to see?

Can we print a picture for my 1st grade teacher cause she wants to see her for sure (with emphasis)!

What did she eat? "Mom's milk" I said, and he asked: "well when can she eat a banana?"

When can I meet her?

Mom - you know that song, (mumble/hum and sings) "My baby is one day old,' [Five Days Old from Laurie Berkner cd] 'mom you can sing it to her... No sing her mama's don't let ur babies grow upto be cowboys..."

Mom: "I think you should sing her all of those" - son said OK

Ok bye mom - the whole phone call was crazy happy!!

Welcome to our lives Baby Girl! 

Make mistake, breathe, reflect and Laugh.Out.Loud.

Observing Insects before it was cool in Kids play microscope

One of the few things we keep year to year as the kids age is this microscope. Even now as we have gotten into bug collecting, the kids will take out the insect slides and learn facts and bits and pieces about the critters. here my now Older son was exploring.

Observing Insects before it was cool in Kids play microscope

Observing in my play microscope

Just to think it all started around this time - our blog has grown into a bug collecting guide. And so has our YOUTUBE CHANNEL! Please visit and subscribe.

Want more of this type of post? 

Observing Insects before it was cool in Kids play microscope

How about in video versions. . . 

Kids Don't Care if their Project Does Not Look Like Pinterests Pictures

Pinspiration has been the tragedy for some, and something fantastic for us. Fantastic with mistakes. But I have always taken the time to show my kids that even when our project doesnt look like the Pinterest picture, we still learned something and still had fun making it.....In addition. The kids DO NOT CARE that it doesnt look like Pinterest. How About That!

They care about their day to day interactions. Their attempts at science, the project, or whatever weird craft alley I was dragging them down. Here my Older Son, then 4 or so, was exploring with paint on the floor. I remember how he loved the "new venue" to craft. So simple.




Pinspiration melted broken crayons repurposed into new cookie crayons. Fun.



Make mistakes, breathe, reflect and Laugh.Out.Loud

More Questions About IT and How We Keep the Conversation Going

Earlier this year I wrote about how I'd have to bite the bullet and answer my older sons questions about sex. Since then we'be had several questions about sex, but his 9 year old questions aren't what you think they'd be.

My first post on this subject was:

Talking About "IT" with My Kids, Addressing Delicate Subjects Naturally with Kids

He asks me at least once a week: "Mom, can you come to my room (after you put the babies to bed) so we can "talk?" After I put the little ones to bed, I go to his room, seemingly more frequently lately. His questions haven't been about sex acts, except kissing. His questions have been about thoughts, feelings, and other 9 year old curiosity: 

How does kissing feel?

How does sex feel?

Why do people have kids?

Why do we say girls look sexy?

As for the "how does it feel?" Questions, I took the simpler is better approach. Well, it doesnt feel bad because then people wouldnt kiss and we wouldnt make babies. Natures life-cycle would end (appealing to his scientific mind). But of course when you love - trust - respect a special person in your life you do things that feel good. When older son pushed "but HOW does it feel?" 

"Any answer I give IS NOT 

THE EXACT right answer... but is something. 

And that starts the conversation."

I left it at like kissing mom or our family but way better, because when you lile someone you also feel butterflies in your stomach, and you get alot of excited energy passing in your body. So the excitement + butterflies + just the idea of smooching make a kiss with someone special feel like you dancing on air!

Surprisingly he was quiet. So was I.

We sat on the bed for a long, long moment. And he asked, so how does sex feel? And I said like smooching - with all those emotions following you - but we will talk about sex when your much older. I know your curious, but we have alot of time before you need to know more. (At least I really really hope so!)

Then the girls question came up, not surprisingly. My son hears the Hot Mama conversation at home: my husband often reacts to the HOT ladies on Latin TV "look at those sexy mamas." The boys giggle, dad smiles and its over. In our house sexyness is okay. We teach the kids about their bodies, loving their bodies, and about grooming how they look because my current parenting operating theory is "you are in charge of your body." How you dress, how you look, how you feel about yourself, you own those details - always! And feeling good about how you look is ok. Lovig your body is important. I want our kids to like their good looking body so they keep it healthy, and inorder to do that you need to eat healthy. Admiring other bodies - that look goood - with respect and genuine admiration is okay too. Yelling at women, whistling at men, and yelling to someone on the street "hey sexy mama" is not okay! 

And how do we draw those "appropriate" boundaries for our kids? Talking and talking and talking about it. Conversation hopeully will lead to an understanding of what we believe for our home.

Backfires does happen!

We've told our boys there is no dating until High School. We have heard unfortunately of middle school dating, and even fourth graders saying they have a boyfriend / girlfriend. What "dating" actually occurs for these grades isn't certain, but the kids are still preoccupied with things during class time with topics other then school.

My older son said he "was dared" to ask a girl out, and he did, and she said yes. "So what does that mean? Where will you go? You know you don't have permission to 'go out or date' anyone!" I don't know, he said.

This scenario lead to more CONVERSATIONS! Obviously we've reiterated our rules about dating, talked about how he ended up in this situation, and how to prevent it in the future. Yes this situation is NOT a "big deal" but if I can't talk about these types of subjects with my kids, then I won't be able to discuss simpler things - or serious ones.

He is old enough to ask questions, then he deserves an answer. Any answer I give IS NOT THE EXACT right answer... but is something. And that starts the conversation. 

My son looks to little to talk ABOUT IT. But he isn't. Now is the time so he can learn
what mommy feels is right for our home. And for him. 

Make Mistakes, breathe, reflect and Laugh.Out.Loud 

Happy Halloween Book of Doom, Written by Older 9YO Son

On the day of Halloween, a snowy Friday in Chicago this year, my older son came home from 4th grade with a "Happy Halloween Dictionary / Book of Doom." he wrote it before the end of the day at his school Halloween party. I love that his vocabulary is large, but he's still working on his spelling. Werewolves was spelled "wearewholf," Frankenstein was only missing the 1st "e," and Pumkins without another "p." regardless, it's a great creative little story. It highlights his awareness of the roles of each creature, and the totality of their supposed powers coming true all in one night. I love this kid and his creativity! Happy Halloween. Book of Doom written by Older 9-year old son "Werewolves Jump at night At the moon of fright. Franknstine knocks on your classroom door. In your window bats fly. Pumpkins talk when your back is turned. Ghosts fly in front of your face. Zombies eat you one at a time. Hope you survive this Halloween. From, Older Son" Make mistakes. Breathe, reflect and Laugh.Out.Loud.

Trouble with Mold and Insect Collecting - Take Out Containers As Storage

As we go about collecting our insects, I often arrive at overflow issues. My 2 metal "cookie containers" are full, as is my large Tupperware container storing all our ladybugs from the Loyola beach visit (waiting for labels). I started using our takeout containers to store and pin some of the bugs, and I noticed this soft white growth on my specimens.

Trouble with Mold and Insect Collecting - Take Out Containers As Storage

These boxes have all been filled in the last few days, since it's the end of summer and the insects are "dropping like flies, or bees - as the case may be. These specimens we've collected in our neighborhood - many of which are found in the afternoon en route to pick up the boys after school or after our late afternoon park visit. We don't see these on our morning walks to school (except for the Bumble Bee in the left box, without Pollen baskets, he was sitting on a flower on a chilly September morning, alive but stunned). We always have a big jar with us this time of year. My Older son found it and collected him off the weeds my neighbor grows, and then when we returned home he was frozen. But not before he started buzzing about in the warmth of my pocket.

Apparently these containers, which don't have any apparent cracks, are not air tight. I store the insect supplies and specimens pending labels in our kitchen bench (moved off the dining room table - yaay!). Life with kids is busy, and labeling is so time consuming. (Note to self: find a pre-made label solution.)
Here's our temporary storage (in takeout containers) where we keep the bugs after they are pinned, they "cure" in the positions I've staged them in, keeping there legs out, antennae up, etc. They await their labels too, so I keep scrap paper in the box with my shortcut note on the bug type, date found, by whom, and where. 

Trouble with Mold and Insect Collecting, Take Out Containers As Storage, a photo by areyousureaboutthatblog on Flickr.

Is a square a rhombus? When Everyday Math makes mistakes

Everyday math: please correct this serious mistake!

It's only week number three of the school year, and we are reviewing things we my older son should've learned in 3rd grade, here it's parallelograms.

In unit 1 study links (homework page) 1.4 question 2a. The question: Is a square a rhombus? My son brought home tees review sheets which lacked pictures of parallelograms and some further explanations. Using some of my mommy resources I pulled out a geometry book I had from my brothers recent High School SAT / ACT prep books, I tore out the relevant pictures and tapes them to the fridge, including some definitions of squares, rhombus and rectangles. These items may be in my sons fourth grade text book, however he hasn't been encouraged to bring his text book home.

Homework sheet, study links in Everyday math

Is a square a rhombus? When Everyday Math makes mistakes, a photo by areyousureaboutthatblog on Flickr.

(As an aside, this was a good opportunity to build our vocabulary on Polygons, and the names of other many sides shapes. We googled a list and mom hand drew a chart for the fridge. Part of "moms homework" my son needed to review these Polygons daily and into week two I was quizzing him on the names.)

Our homemade homework supplement, a picture guide to polygons

Is a square a rhombus? When Everyday Math makes mistakes, a photo by areyousureaboutthatblog on Flickr

The premise of this study link is a parallelogram is a quadrangle that has two pairs of parallels idea. TRUE! However there's a second factor not covered here, and that's a square has four-right angles as well (it's really a 2-part definition you can see in the geometry books definition).

Geometry book helper page

Is a square a rhombus? When Everyday Math makes mistakes, a photo by areyousureaboutthatblog on Flickr.

I realize the objective was to help students understand in this specific lesson that a square is a quadrangle (a 4 sided object) ... However the answer is not YES as the answer guide dictates.

The answer sheet

Is a square a rhombus? When Everyday Math makes mistakes, a photo by areyousureaboutthatblog on Flickr

Drawing certain conclusion based on similarities is fine, however generalizing is not. Or removing portions if definition isn't right either. The definition of a square, and a rhombus, was coincidentally on our fridge sheets. I encouraged my son to write the correct answer - No, and write our definition. The parent guide stated the opposite and I didn't eat to encourage him learning a wrong fact, for the sake if this one work sheet, to only relearn the information (hopefully) in a later grade.


Make mistakes, (fix them) breathe, reflect and Laugh.Out.Loud.

When Inspiration Strikes during a Trivia Game.... Learning can be so fun!

Such a simple learning experience, and mom just had to connect the dots. 

We were playing a trivia card game and the question came up about the Taj Mahal. My Older son had learned about the Taj Mahal at school. I told him that his grand mother had visited there and he should ask to see the photos when he visits her. Then...

I remembered we had famous landmark cards near the kitchen table. And of course there was a photo if the Taj Mahal.

Why is this sort of connecting the dots important? The brain forms new synapsis when ever we make connections. Even loose connections. I'll certainly post again on this when we start holding our "in depth studies" at home to continue our learning process ... But for today, we shared everything my older son knew about the Beautiful Taj Mahal, including HIS summer suggestion for us to go there. And we also know that the best way to retain what he learned is by "teaching others." it was a great moment for me to live this experience, and see my sons pride while sharing.

Make mistakes. Breathe, reflect, and Laugh.Out.Loud

Talking About "IT" with My Kids, Addressing Delicate SubjectsNaturallywith Kids

It's happened! My older so has asked me about how "humans" have sex?! Yes that was his phrasing, "Mom, how to humans mate?" My older son is in 4th grade this year. And for our home I know I want him hearing about the subject of sex here first, and NOT from his friends or at school. 

I realized I would have to address this issue soon, not only because of his age, but also due to the changes in core curriculum. Sex Education will be a part of the health curriculum, and while I don't think we will "opt out" I do want my son hearing about the subject at home first. This way I will have already created a bridge to talking about sex with mom.

Why did he say "Humans" and not "people?" We watch a lot of nature shows and we own a copy of the 4-DVD series Life of Mammals, so my kids know what mating is in the animal kingdom. Thus his question: "how do humans mate?" (As an aside we talk a lot at home about the animal kingdom, so the kids also understand that animals eating other animals is a part of natures life cycle, and they aren't freaked out when the "lion eats an antelope" like I was as a child.)

I am an "open book" parent. We have talked about everything and anything: animals mating, watched animals on "Life of Mammals," talked about proper use of curse words, what real friendship is, how some kids are just mean, and that simple fact that we allow nudity at home. But this question stopped me in my tracks.

I diverted the question: "how do you know humans mate?"

I avoided: "I don't know." To which my son replied: "mom, don't lie to me, you know everything."

So I told my son, finally, "mom has to get a book about adults and humans mating, because I don't want to explain anything the wrong way." He accepted that answer. It's been 6 months since then and I finally got a book, eventho my son stopped asking.

About Nudity.

We are a pretty comfortable household when it comes to nudity. I am a child of European parents, so nudity wasn't hidden from me. Just us girls would walk around nude, change clothes with the doors to our rooms remaining open, and use the bathroom with the doors open too. I grew up with a good self esteem and sense of body image, as well as a good sense of security over my body. I didn't even realize how my habits of walking around nude stood out until my adulthood.

I'm thankful that this openness to nudity was a positive impact on my life. Accordingly we have a similar lifestyle today in our home.

While Outdoors.

Nudity is welcome in the confines of our home. When we go outdoors however, in our big city, my kids are taught to cover up. I'm open minded but not impervious to the fact that their are child predators and weirdos in the world!! So we wear long shirts and undies in our yard. There's always adult supervision. And if we are at the beach, I do allow my daughter and her brothers to have their shirts off. Baby girl is 2 years old still. However, we are often at the beach when it's completely deserted, and NO it's not Oak Street Beach, we go cloth less when we can.

The Book

I picked up "what your child needs to know about sex (and when)" by Dr. Fred Kaeser from our library. It bring up subjects I have and haven't yet faced with the kids:

- mom what's boom boom (sex terms)? (One day My son asked after school...)
- mom why do animals mate?
- will I allow social media for my kids, and when?
- how will I handle my kids bathing together? And for how many years can they bathe together?
- how will we address dating? And what age is appropriate.
- and my husbands advice: you know after you explain IT to him, you can't walk around naked anymore. Because you'll become a sexual object to him. (UGH reality!)

Talking About "IT" with My Kids, a photo by areyousureaboutthatblog on Flickr.

These questions are about some Of the Parenting issues we didn't think about before kids. And things, like kids bathing together, weren't even discussed because OF COURSE our kids bathe together. And they are always supervised for "water safety" purposes. Ironically brothers and sisters touching eachother has happened, so I simply stated calm, expecting this one day since we do take joint baths, and said we don't touch other peoples private parts. And we take the additional step for our kids we label those parts, butts, breast for girls, and the parts in their undies are labeled. 

The Dr. Kaeser says in his book to perhaps not allow kids to bathe together unless their supervised. I think any children playing near water must be supervised, period. When the kids get a little older, they'll bate separately - this "bathe them together and save time" philosophy isn't for forever. My older son is already asking to bathe alone or take showers. And sometimes these things do "work themselves out" as in this case. However as parents we must take action. So when my son wants to hangs the math routine we have to agree to make a change... Without the change, nothing works itself out!

Along those lines the books advice is sheer genius! "It's" just like crossing the street. Use caution. Look both ways before moving. Be smart because the driver is not. Yes, talking to your kids about sex can be just like talking about crossing the street. This is the authors idea... And it's sheer genius!

What's Sexting?

I also really like how Dr. Kaeser writes that we need to let our kids know about what we think on the variety of sex issues in society. He gives an example of the child seeing something and the parents reply is "some adults like that, but mom and dad don't. And we don't think it's funny either."

Ironically, I read thru parts of the book at nap time with baby girl and during dinner older son had a question. Husband was watching CNN and the ticker on the screen was a story about "sexting." Older so asked: "What's Sexting?" I only read about 3 chapters and I already felt empowered to answer my sons questions.

- I was honest about the subject and defining it.
- I was honest about how we parents felt about it.
- We gave a "kid type" example. And an example of what could be a joke, but gets someone in trouble. For example taking a picture of your elbow crack to make it look like your butt is also "sexting" because the intention was a body part / sexual. (And husband added that looking at something like this in school, or being the elbow in the picture he'd be suspended at school and consequences at home also.)

It was a good conversation. And that is another important note. The Sex talk is not a one time thing. (Dr.Kaesers example is the sex talk is similar to talking about safety while crossing the street. You talk about it a lot, EVERYTIME you cross the street, you give examples of what could happen, you show kids when people blow a red light or stop sign. It's all in the preparation for their own street safety. I think this example is ideal! Because sex too has this broad variety of sub-contexts, subjects and scenarios too.) 

"The Talk" is actually a series of conversations that come up at different times and about a wide variety of subjects. After all sex is everywhere. TV shows and movies displaying intimacy durig daytime TV. Women not nearly dressed on magazine covers at the grocery store. Men who are half clothed on the covers are of course bulked up body builders, not regular in shape of skinny. And the things the kids say at school!! So much has come home from what there "classmates say." And sometimes my kids bring it up, and sometimes we parents do / will. Dr. Kaeser writes about sex-related subjects like dealing with kids friends who might have access to inappropriate content, schools role (which is, for me, to keep kids safe and educated - eventho I'm glad sex ed is coming for all grades in CPS), and making sure your kids know what their parents opinion is.

My weight has been lifted. I feel way-way-way better knowing that I already have the tools to talk to my son. And luckily I think that comes from my own childhood comfort with my body, which turned into some good self esteem. Now, I'm still going to read the chapter about specifics on human reproduction and explaining age appropriate the sex act itself, I don't want to over share. Then there is my own personal topics including the MOST important part of the sex conversation, about SELECTING a partner, making a CHOICE to have sex, versus it doesn't "just happened" because hormones are raging. The physical parts are semantics really, my kids could learn the "how to" from their friends. It's the finite details about the feelings that accompany sex, the desire for more, respecting your partner (and they MUST respect you), and being a ready "adult" with a good long time partner. 

As you can see the "stuff" surrounding sex I am comfortable talking about, it's that little semantics part that I seemed to struggle with. But not for long.

UPDATE: There have been more questions since this post, Older Sons curiosity grows and grows, you can read about it here: More Questions About "IT" and How We Keep the Conversation Going

Make Mistakes. Breathe, Reflect, and laugh.out.loud

When Inspiration Strikes during a Trivia Game

We were playing a trivia card game and the question came up about the Taj Mahal. My Older son had learned about the Taj Mahal at school. I told him that his grand had visited there and he should ask to see the photos when he visits her. This is an impromptu unplanned activity and discussion that was fun with the kids. We stay at home moms often have resources right at our finger tips that we forget about. This stack of landmark cards sits on our kitchen window ledge for easy, and frequent, access.


When Inspiration Strikes during a Trivia Game, a photo by areyousureaboutthatblog on Flickr.

I remembered we had famous lanark cards near the kitchen table. And of course there was a photo if the Taj Mahal.

Poem: Turn into a Rock?

A Quick story For My Kids

The witch named Jo lived in the forest,

She liked to make her place it bright for days or she would cast a spell on the trees to make it dark. 

She didn't bother anyone because she lived so deep in the forest. 

So when you go and pick berries you don't even see the witch.

She's busy being alone. 

She changes frogs into logs or bats into cats, to finish a project around her home or to have a new friend to roam.

Sometimes when she is tired of flying on her broom she would change a reindeer into a bicycle. And go off track bike to ride over rocks and sticks. 

Older son asked: 

Does she turn the rock into a wolf and then he eats her? 

The Story Behind the Poem

We were sitting at the kitchen table and my son said: "Mom, tell us a story." We had just been talking about how my mom lives alone, if she's lonely, and how she keeps busy. That conversation inspired this tale.

If you are reading this post, please post a comment below on what you liked - or didn't  - about this read. Does the topic interest you and you want to know more? Submit a question and I am happy to tackle it.

by: Areyousureaboutthatblog Author
Not Authorized for Reproduction Without Permission

Make Mistakes. Breath, Reflect. and Laugh.Out.Loud

Being a Mom, Sometimes I just wanna Scream

Sometimes I feel like this... Being a Mom, I just want to Scream. Let it all out. Just because the day isn't going well. Or I am frustrated, or tired, or I just can't... [INSERT MOMMY ISSUE HERE]. This is the picture that hangs in my spice cabinet. In 2009 I spent some of the day coloring with my older son. It's Lucy from Charlie Brown, just letting go. I colored this picture during our coloring time.


Being a mom Sometimes I just wanna scream, a photo by areyousureaboutthatblog on Flickr.

And then, "for no reason" my older son brought home a note for me from Kindergarten. It was not an assignment. It was written during free time.

"Dear Mom,

You have love that is unstoppable from getting to me

Love (older son)"
Written in Kindergarten 2009

This note hangs above my screaming picture...in the spice cabinet. And when I just look at it, intentionally or not, I really do feel better.


Being a mom Sometimes I just wanna scream, a photo by areyousureaboutthatblog on Flickr.

Make Mistakes. Breath, Reflect. And Laugh.Out.Loud

I Don't Wanna do Chores! And I Didn't Have Time to Play Today

I Don't Wanna do Chores! And I Didn't Have Time to Play Today, a photo by areyousureaboutthatblog on Flickr.

I Don't Wanna do Chores! And I Didn't Have Time to Play Today, a photo by areyousureaboutthatblog on Flickr.

This is our quick reminder of how long the day is and exactly how much time 8 year old Older Son DID play today!!

Read more here: Areyousureaboutthatblog.blogspot.com

I wrote the example entry, and he continued writing how time was spent one Snowy Saturday. Suddenly we realized he had 5 hours of free time!!! After The next chore instruction I heard "yes Mom!"

Old merges with New, Part II: a Proper Apology (the Steps in the Apology Process)

Family. It's something that motivates us, drives us insane at times, but will always remain deep with in us. Even when we try to run away from it we can't. We can pretend, but family is always a part of us. 

In my last post I wrote about struggles with my grandmother. Her health fears and my ever waning strength to be of any help, anymore.

I feel guilty helping her when my kids get tossed off during that hour phone call (good luck ending a call with her quickly). There is ACTUAL needs here by my 'lil ones. Actual needs to be met. But when she acts ridiculous and denies helping herself, there's nothing more I can do. 

I have learned a lot over these last few years living so close to grandmas house. More stories about everyone in the family. Having grown closer to grandma (before we grew a little further apart). I've even spent quality time with my grandfather's side of the family whom I had Never Known Existed. Imagine that...

But I'm learning. I'm reflecting on my own life as I hear so many family stories from the generations gone by. Why did so-and-so do this or that? Why can't they handle their life issues? It's a life puzzle that you piece together with stories. And then once you know, about who and why... Let that information heal you.

Knowing WHY things happen is part of the puzzle. Once your life history and puzzle questions are assembled you have a picture of the answers you've been looking for - and then, it struck me: "what are you going to do with those answers."

My tag line in this blog includes "reflect."

I reflect on the new things I learn and take them in. The information almost grows as a new part of me for a while, I digest the information, I sit with it, In my minds eye I look at it, and then I can see how I can hopefully gain some knowledge from the information. 

Usually it's by redirecting my approach with my kids. Learning from the mistakes of those around me and adding in the awesome Rules and Life lessons I've heard too!! When I see a mom screaming, I remind myself of the times I screamed, I reflect on how awful I felt, and my kid/s felt afterwards. Note to self: don't scream.

In my last post I mentioned my sons had an argument with eachotehr. While I was on the phone with my uncle discussing the most recent issue with Babcia and the results of the doctors appointment; the older son started yelling!! I witnessed my older son in frustration, after being stuck at Babcia's house for nearly 2 hours and totally off routine, and now he has to deal with hearing mom on the phone,...well he had enough! He began to YELL at his younger brother for taking a toy. I mean screaming after he lunged across the table attempting to grab it back. 

I finished my phone call with a quick "I have to call you back." 

Without yelling... I said: I think we all need a break.

1. We handled it first by "cooling our jets" and by sending him upstairs to calm down. 

2. Then I asked my younger son what he thought happened. I agree he also deserved to toy to have and play with too.

3. We all went upstairs to talk through the toy issue. 

4. I got my older sons perspective, thru some tears.

5. Next were both boys ideas for solutions to the toy matter. And mom sprinkled in some thoughts when they hit dead ends.

6. Then we went over a proper apology steps:

1. Take responsability for what you did do. 

2. Say your sorry. 

3. Offer to make amends.

7. I lived by example: I also asked for some "private time" to talk with my older son about yelling. I took "responsibility for my own actions" explaining how I yelled when he was little (between baby girls age and younger sons) and that was wrong. And that's probably why he yells. "It's normal to get mad, but we have to control our actions. Mommy doesn't yell anymore, right? Younger son and baby girl don't either, right? Because mommy's changing. I'm not yelling anymore am I? Well you also need to try to not yell too." 

I cried a little. He did too. I said I had a bad day. He did too. I said I was frustrated with Babcia, but that's no reason to yell. He said he was too. But I told him no matter how I feel I can't take it out on the people I love. "Mom what can you do?" He said thru his teared up eyes. 

"Ask for private time. Go for a walk. Go read a book. Anything to not hurt others with your pain. Leave to situation. Sometimes we just need a break from life."

We talked thru options: how to "tell and not yell." Talk try options, but If your mad you need to walk away first, and then if you can't think of how to trade toys or take turns, if that doesn't work ask an adult for help.

8. We called in the other two (who were playing in baby girls bedroom but constantly walking in on our talk [which was allowed because kids learn by observation, and seeing mom stay calm and talk it out is really really good observation]). I said older son would meet us downstairs while he figured out what to offer younger son (3rd step in the apology process). Meanwhile I coached younger son to take whatever he's given [since this is the first time practiceing this process] and say thanks, cause we can trade it for something else tomorrow. [just in case my bright ideas need a little nudge, I give a little push!]

9. Older son apologized for yelling while offering a toy up for play as an offering. 

10. After that it was clearly over. The boys shook hands. 

And I felt better. If even for a Moment. I thought after such a strange day, and "dealing with the old," I felt there was a blending in me of all the good I'd learned. I am going to teach my kids - as best I can - the better way of doing things in life. And that's a great place to be.

Make mistakes (because you will). Breath. Reflect. And Laugh.Out.Loud (or cry like I did today with my son)

Old Merges with New, in Me. Part I

Old Merges with New, in Me, a photo by areyousureaboutthatblog on Flickr.

I saw this quote today from Socrates and it so powerfully captured the essence of my day - even unintentionally.
"The Secret of Change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new."

My Babcia is 83 years young. She doesn't look her age, she doesn't feel her age (except when her body does), an she most certainly doesn't act her age!! Grandma is a work of art all her own. I seriously don't know anyone else like her. And I know a lot of people and I can read people pretty well, putting everyone sniffly into a category of my choosing.

No one else has her vicious passion and defense of her family (I can say stuff about them but dot you dare!). No one I know can argue you into the ground like her, after words you will have an emotional hangover! You can't finish a sentence or a response because she's already on to the next thought that SHE has. It's rude, and obnoxious, but that's her. Stubborn as a bull, she can laugh you into tears, and be as empathetic and gentle as a new puppy. Morbid in her sense of sharing CNN type news: I tell her I can't believe the recent story of the women who fell asleep drunk on her newborn, she has to "top my story" with "there's a 2-year old baby in Poland that fell out a window and dies of a broken neck...(then to seemingly relate to me)... Where were her parents then?"

And no one is at all illogical like she is, (which explains a lot about my parents). Yet she has "successfully" raised 3 kids, enjoyed partial parenting of 3 out of 5 grandkids and now sees her 3 great grand-children often. Not to say Sunday dinner at her house with the family.

Today I sacrificed a little, enough where it hurt. I had a headache, flu like symptoms, and a sick younger son. Yesterday Babcia wasn't "feeling well." She does have a heart condition, post by-pass surgery, post newly diagnosed A-Fib, consistent high blood pressure, and consistent anxiety. She does always remember what prescriptions she needs to take, she just chooses to regulate her meds as She Thinks she needs them. "I'll take less of this Blood Pressure pill because my Blood Pressure is lower today." Then she'll complain like my 4 year old son how her tummy hurts or she has a headache from "that pill" which she's been taking for a year with no problems. "Take Tylenol," I say. "And add more pills to the mix? No thank you," she replies. My all time favorite is when she goes to a doctors appointment she'll say: "I'm not taking my meds today because I want my Doctor to see what symptoms I have in real life." (You see dear reader, the pills will make the the symptoms stop, isn't that a problem?).

So today Wednesday Babcia calls to take her to a Doctors appointment (which I encouraged her to make). She's suffering from ever worsening anxiety issues and now, I think, she depressed rather often. Her hearts "beating rapidly, pounding," and she "can't live like this!" Not to mention her cheeks burn up and Blood Pressure sky rockets (were talking160-180/90-100). She also gets emotionally crazed, talking loud, stressed out, scared she's gonna die. All understandable.

I had called her electro-cardiologist (fancy) over the last 30 days 3-4 times and asked him to check the Halter monitor she'd been wearing for signs of what's causing these symptoms... And... Nothing. No irregular sinus rhythm, no A-Fib, no flutters (all issues that were
legitimate 30 days ago pre medication controls). Every night shed press the button on the halter to report "heart pounding." She couldn't get to sleep until 1: am nearly every night for days until she'd pass out at 9pm from exhaustion on day 4 or 5. She denies this tho.  We've been through this "pounding heart, heart feels like it's gonna jump out of my chest" many times since her by pass surgery 3 years ago. And each time she's wearing a halter monitor for these self reported "symptoms" nothing appears medically wrong. No other symptoms either, like dizziness, shortness of breath, weakness, chest pains etc. All signs of heart related issues.

Finally, after years and tears of us all explaining to her she is Anxious and gets herself "worked up" she finally did start taking anti anxiety Xanex for her attacks. And she felt better. Dare I say - and don't tell anyone this - she loved it. "It relaxes me, it calms me, I've never felt like this." Can you imagine if my Babcia ever for high in her life? That'd be a funny movie...

Before leaving on a flight to Poland she'd be taking the Xanex up to two days before departure to help "calm her nerves." She gets so excited, and anxious, about the good and bad of her trip, her blood pressure sky rockets!!! She gets extremely hyper in her actions and speech! It's a little amusing to watch. And for 83 - she's not slowing down, well a little.

So back to the doctors appointment call: Tuesday I finally I hit my support wall. Her phone calls are becoming weekly!! Weekly!! No longer at 9:00 am like they Once were, not even8:00 am ("so we could get to the Emergency Room before your son gets out of school [at 2:45 you mean?]"). Now she calls at 7:00 ambefore we are waking up to get ready for school!! Ironically these calls from Babcia are the opposite of my mother-in-law who calls always has a "problem" I the weekend (coincidentally when she knows my husband is home.) she called when I had to get my sons report card this week. He was already going there to sit with them for an hour, but she called anyway at 7:00 am.

After I came back to fetch my kids on Tuesday, she starts right in again, literally as I walk through the door with tears in her eyes. I tell Babcia she's depressed, and her racing heart is caused by her emotions. She won't hear of it... "Something's wrong, something's wrong with my heart won't you believe me." I believe you feel this way, but you are so worried you, yourself, make its beating worse, harder, faster... "But I'm so hot this time, I'm burning up." True. She was red in the face, and wearing her house robe, house dress, a turtle neck and undershirt. Long johns and thick socks, all perfectly matched in off whet and light blue - which being dressed to "stay warm" because she's having chills and the layers of clothes has "[yelling in her normal tone] nothing to do with the warm feeling in my chest!" I won't get started on the temperature related issues, or allergies here in this post.

I'm crying too. What can I do? I can't talk anymore about this. There is no progress. I can't be her therapist. I see her often and I am always exhausted afterwards. And I'm feeling guilty for not wanting to help her anymore. My kids suffer when they are there, watching TV or hours, there like little joking beans when I pick them up again... And each phone calls at least an hour because to her, it's all "new symptoms, different this time."

I was done. "Babcia," as I raise my wrists to her in a hand-cuffed motion, "I can't help you anymore. Everyone can have mental health concerns, except you right? Your older son gets depressed during winter. So does your younger son. Your daughter has her mental issues, and your other daughter can't even deal with anything so she's moved / run far away to another state. But you, your perfectly healthy! You have no mental health issues. Yet these are your kids! Your genes!! I have news for you,.... You also have these issues. The halter motion shows it's NOT YOUR HEART! I've told you this is emotions running wild - you say no! I've told you to call our doctor to get new anxiety meds to help you with this issue - you say no! Then there's nothing more I can do for you." And I left her house.

So today, Wednesday she's going to her doctor, to ask "what could these heart signs be?" My idea, my idea, my freaking idea!!!! So we go. So he gets a new script because yes the Xanex could make her feel uncomfortable as she's reported. I won't get into what I think is her trying to understand. She thinks "maybe the Metropolol dose is too high so the Xanex doesn't work right? And this time my chest gets so warm and my heart just won't stop pounding. I get a headache from the amlodopine so, my granddaughter doesn't know until now, I stopped taking it." Ok, so I got into her head a little.

Here's what scary. I can't help her anymore. I've told her when she wants to stop taking a med to call her doctor first. But it's her life, it's her choice. You can't talk to an illogical person about logic. Her doctors use shock and awe, also amusing, yet scary, to watch.

And the quote. I didn't fight the old today. I went, to her appointment, knowing that I'm done feeding the unhealthy behavior. As for the new, I gave counsel. I witnessed my older son in frustration, after being stuck at Babcia for nearly 2 hours and totally off routine, YELL at his younger brother for taking a toy. We handled it  and I talked thru a lot with him. Practice a proper apology and gave lots of hugs and kisses.

My lesson? I think I know I can't change my Babcia, but I can only try to help move her along a path where she can help herself. As much as that's possible.

I know of my grandmas mistakes in raising her kids, not only from my mom, and uncles and aunt, but from my grandmas own words. I also know a lot of positive things to DO with my kids from her.

Lastly I know how my mom was, and wasn't, with me. While I had a mostly wonderful childhood, I could've done without the yelling. And that's where I am trying to focus my energy on the new - my kids - and showing them how to do things the right way. Handling arguments. Giving time to the elderly. Balancing time between  Family issues. And not yelling and handling things calmly. Trying, always trying.

Make Mistakes. Breath (deep). Reflect and Laugh.Out.Loud!!!


This is a nice reference article on elderly counseling and depression related issues and meds. http://www.mhaging.org/info/olus.html