More Questions About IT and How We Keep the Conversation Going

Earlier this year I wrote about how I'd have to bite the bullet and answer my older sons questions about sex. Since then we'be had several questions about sex, but his 9 year old questions aren't what you think they'd be.

My first post on this subject was:

Talking About "IT" with My Kids, Addressing Delicate Subjects Naturally with Kids

He asks me at least once a week: "Mom, can you come to my room (after you put the babies to bed) so we can "talk?" After I put the little ones to bed, I go to his room, seemingly more frequently lately. His questions haven't been about sex acts, except kissing. His questions have been about thoughts, feelings, and other 9 year old curiosity: 

How does kissing feel?

How does sex feel?

Why do people have kids?

Why do we say girls look sexy?

As for the "how does it feel?" Questions, I took the simpler is better approach. Well, it doesnt feel bad because then people wouldnt kiss and we wouldnt make babies. Natures life-cycle would end (appealing to his scientific mind). But of course when you love - trust - respect a special person in your life you do things that feel good. When older son pushed "but HOW does it feel?" 

"Any answer I give IS NOT 

THE EXACT right answer... but is something. 

And that starts the conversation."

I left it at like kissing mom or our family but way better, because when you lile someone you also feel butterflies in your stomach, and you get alot of excited energy passing in your body. So the excitement + butterflies + just the idea of smooching make a kiss with someone special feel like you dancing on air!

Surprisingly he was quiet. So was I.

We sat on the bed for a long, long moment. And he asked, so how does sex feel? And I said like smooching - with all those emotions following you - but we will talk about sex when your much older. I know your curious, but we have alot of time before you need to know more. (At least I really really hope so!)

Then the girls question came up, not surprisingly. My son hears the Hot Mama conversation at home: my husband often reacts to the HOT ladies on Latin TV "look at those sexy mamas." The boys giggle, dad smiles and its over. In our house sexyness is okay. We teach the kids about their bodies, loving their bodies, and about grooming how they look because my current parenting operating theory is "you are in charge of your body." How you dress, how you look, how you feel about yourself, you own those details - always! And feeling good about how you look is ok. Lovig your body is important. I want our kids to like their good looking body so they keep it healthy, and inorder to do that you need to eat healthy. Admiring other bodies - that look goood - with respect and genuine admiration is okay too. Yelling at women, whistling at men, and yelling to someone on the street "hey sexy mama" is not okay! 

And how do we draw those "appropriate" boundaries for our kids? Talking and talking and talking about it. Conversation hopeully will lead to an understanding of what we believe for our home.

Backfires does happen!

We've told our boys there is no dating until High School. We have heard unfortunately of middle school dating, and even fourth graders saying they have a boyfriend / girlfriend. What "dating" actually occurs for these grades isn't certain, but the kids are still preoccupied with things during class time with topics other then school.

My older son said he "was dared" to ask a girl out, and he did, and she said yes. "So what does that mean? Where will you go? You know you don't have permission to 'go out or date' anyone!" I don't know, he said.

This scenario lead to more CONVERSATIONS! Obviously we've reiterated our rules about dating, talked about how he ended up in this situation, and how to prevent it in the future. Yes this situation is NOT a "big deal" but if I can't talk about these types of subjects with my kids, then I won't be able to discuss simpler things - or serious ones.

He is old enough to ask questions, then he deserves an answer. Any answer I give IS NOT THE EXACT right answer... but is something. And that starts the conversation. 

My son looks to little to talk ABOUT IT. But he isn't. Now is the time so he can learn
what mommy feels is right for our home. And for him. 

Make Mistakes, breathe, reflect and Laugh.Out.Loud 

Talking About "IT" with My Kids, Addressing Delicate SubjectsNaturallywith Kids

It's happened! My older so has asked me about how "humans" have sex?! Yes that was his phrasing, "Mom, how to humans mate?" My older son is in 4th grade this year. And for our home I know I want him hearing about the subject of sex here first, and NOT from his friends or at school. 

I realized I would have to address this issue soon, not only because of his age, but also due to the changes in core curriculum. Sex Education will be a part of the health curriculum, and while I don't think we will "opt out" I do want my son hearing about the subject at home first. This way I will have already created a bridge to talking about sex with mom.

Why did he say "Humans" and not "people?" We watch a lot of nature shows and we own a copy of the 4-DVD series Life of Mammals, so my kids know what mating is in the animal kingdom. Thus his question: "how do humans mate?" (As an aside we talk a lot at home about the animal kingdom, so the kids also understand that animals eating other animals is a part of natures life cycle, and they aren't freaked out when the "lion eats an antelope" like I was as a child.)

I am an "open book" parent. We have talked about everything and anything: animals mating, watched animals on "Life of Mammals," talked about proper use of curse words, what real friendship is, how some kids are just mean, and that simple fact that we allow nudity at home. But this question stopped me in my tracks.

I diverted the question: "how do you know humans mate?"

I avoided: "I don't know." To which my son replied: "mom, don't lie to me, you know everything."

So I told my son, finally, "mom has to get a book about adults and humans mating, because I don't want to explain anything the wrong way." He accepted that answer. It's been 6 months since then and I finally got a book, eventho my son stopped asking.

About Nudity.

We are a pretty comfortable household when it comes to nudity. I am a child of European parents, so nudity wasn't hidden from me. Just us girls would walk around nude, change clothes with the doors to our rooms remaining open, and use the bathroom with the doors open too. I grew up with a good self esteem and sense of body image, as well as a good sense of security over my body. I didn't even realize how my habits of walking around nude stood out until my adulthood.

I'm thankful that this openness to nudity was a positive impact on my life. Accordingly we have a similar lifestyle today in our home.

While Outdoors.

Nudity is welcome in the confines of our home. When we go outdoors however, in our big city, my kids are taught to cover up. I'm open minded but not impervious to the fact that their are child predators and weirdos in the world!! So we wear long shirts and undies in our yard. There's always adult supervision. And if we are at the beach, I do allow my daughter and her brothers to have their shirts off. Baby girl is 2 years old still. However, we are often at the beach when it's completely deserted, and NO it's not Oak Street Beach, we go cloth less when we can.

The Book

I picked up "what your child needs to know about sex (and when)" by Dr. Fred Kaeser from our library. It bring up subjects I have and haven't yet faced with the kids:

- mom what's boom boom (sex terms)? (One day My son asked after school...)
- mom why do animals mate?
- will I allow social media for my kids, and when?
- how will I handle my kids bathing together? And for how many years can they bathe together?
- how will we address dating? And what age is appropriate.
- and my husbands advice: you know after you explain IT to him, you can't walk around naked anymore. Because you'll become a sexual object to him. (UGH reality!)

Talking About "IT" with My Kids, a photo by areyousureaboutthatblog on Flickr.

These questions are about some Of the Parenting issues we didn't think about before kids. And things, like kids bathing together, weren't even discussed because OF COURSE our kids bathe together. And they are always supervised for "water safety" purposes. Ironically brothers and sisters touching eachother has happened, so I simply stated calm, expecting this one day since we do take joint baths, and said we don't touch other peoples private parts. And we take the additional step for our kids we label those parts, butts, breast for girls, and the parts in their undies are labeled. 

The Dr. Kaeser says in his book to perhaps not allow kids to bathe together unless their supervised. I think any children playing near water must be supervised, period. When the kids get a little older, they'll bate separately - this "bathe them together and save time" philosophy isn't for forever. My older son is already asking to bathe alone or take showers. And sometimes these things do "work themselves out" as in this case. However as parents we must take action. So when my son wants to hangs the math routine we have to agree to make a change... Without the change, nothing works itself out!

Along those lines the books advice is sheer genius! "It's" just like crossing the street. Use caution. Look both ways before moving. Be smart because the driver is not. Yes, talking to your kids about sex can be just like talking about crossing the street. This is the authors idea... And it's sheer genius!

What's Sexting?

I also really like how Dr. Kaeser writes that we need to let our kids know about what we think on the variety of sex issues in society. He gives an example of the child seeing something and the parents reply is "some adults like that, but mom and dad don't. And we don't think it's funny either."

Ironically, I read thru parts of the book at nap time with baby girl and during dinner older son had a question. Husband was watching CNN and the ticker on the screen was a story about "sexting." Older so asked: "What's Sexting?" I only read about 3 chapters and I already felt empowered to answer my sons questions.

- I was honest about the subject and defining it.
- I was honest about how we parents felt about it.
- We gave a "kid type" example. And an example of what could be a joke, but gets someone in trouble. For example taking a picture of your elbow crack to make it look like your butt is also "sexting" because the intention was a body part / sexual. (And husband added that looking at something like this in school, or being the elbow in the picture he'd be suspended at school and consequences at home also.)

It was a good conversation. And that is another important note. The Sex talk is not a one time thing. (Dr.Kaesers example is the sex talk is similar to talking about safety while crossing the street. You talk about it a lot, EVERYTIME you cross the street, you give examples of what could happen, you show kids when people blow a red light or stop sign. It's all in the preparation for their own street safety. I think this example is ideal! Because sex too has this broad variety of sub-contexts, subjects and scenarios too.) 

"The Talk" is actually a series of conversations that come up at different times and about a wide variety of subjects. After all sex is everywhere. TV shows and movies displaying intimacy durig daytime TV. Women not nearly dressed on magazine covers at the grocery store. Men who are half clothed on the covers are of course bulked up body builders, not regular in shape of skinny. And the things the kids say at school!! So much has come home from what there "classmates say." And sometimes my kids bring it up, and sometimes we parents do / will. Dr. Kaeser writes about sex-related subjects like dealing with kids friends who might have access to inappropriate content, schools role (which is, for me, to keep kids safe and educated - eventho I'm glad sex ed is coming for all grades in CPS), and making sure your kids know what their parents opinion is.

My weight has been lifted. I feel way-way-way better knowing that I already have the tools to talk to my son. And luckily I think that comes from my own childhood comfort with my body, which turned into some good self esteem. Now, I'm still going to read the chapter about specifics on human reproduction and explaining age appropriate the sex act itself, I don't want to over share. Then there is my own personal topics including the MOST important part of the sex conversation, about SELECTING a partner, making a CHOICE to have sex, versus it doesn't "just happened" because hormones are raging. The physical parts are semantics really, my kids could learn the "how to" from their friends. It's the finite details about the feelings that accompany sex, the desire for more, respecting your partner (and they MUST respect you), and being a ready "adult" with a good long time partner. 

As you can see the "stuff" surrounding sex I am comfortable talking about, it's that little semantics part that I seemed to struggle with. But not for long.

UPDATE: There have been more questions since this post, Older Sons curiosity grows and grows, you can read about it here: More Questions About "IT" and How We Keep the Conversation Going

Make Mistakes. Breathe, Reflect, and laugh.out.loud