Old merges with New, Part II: a Proper Apology (the Steps in the Apology Process)

Family. It's something that motivates us, drives us insane at times, but will always remain deep with in us. Even when we try to run away from it we can't. We can pretend, but family is always a part of us. 

In my last post I wrote about struggles with my grandmother. Her health fears and my ever waning strength to be of any help, anymore.

I feel guilty helping her when my kids get tossed off during that hour phone call (good luck ending a call with her quickly). There is ACTUAL needs here by my 'lil ones. Actual needs to be met. But when she acts ridiculous and denies helping herself, there's nothing more I can do. 

I have learned a lot over these last few years living so close to grandmas house. More stories about everyone in the family. Having grown closer to grandma (before we grew a little further apart). I've even spent quality time with my grandfather's side of the family whom I had Never Known Existed. Imagine that...

But I'm learning. I'm reflecting on my own life as I hear so many family stories from the generations gone by. Why did so-and-so do this or that? Why can't they handle their life issues? It's a life puzzle that you piece together with stories. And then once you know, about who and why... Let that information heal you.

Knowing WHY things happen is part of the puzzle. Once your life history and puzzle questions are assembled you have a picture of the answers you've been looking for - and then, it struck me: "what are you going to do with those answers."

My tag line in this blog includes "reflect."

I reflect on the new things I learn and take them in. The information almost grows as a new part of me for a while, I digest the information, I sit with it, In my minds eye I look at it, and then I can see how I can hopefully gain some knowledge from the information. 

Usually it's by redirecting my approach with my kids. Learning from the mistakes of those around me and adding in the awesome Rules and Life lessons I've heard too!! When I see a mom screaming, I remind myself of the times I screamed, I reflect on how awful I felt, and my kid/s felt afterwards. Note to self: don't scream.

In my last post I mentioned my sons had an argument with eachotehr. While I was on the phone with my uncle discussing the most recent issue with Babcia and the results of the doctors appointment; the older son started yelling!! I witnessed my older son in frustration, after being stuck at Babcia's house for nearly 2 hours and totally off routine, and now he has to deal with hearing mom on the phone,...well he had enough! He began to YELL at his younger brother for taking a toy. I mean screaming after he lunged across the table attempting to grab it back. 

I finished my phone call with a quick "I have to call you back." 

Without yelling... I said: I think we all need a break.

1. We handled it first by "cooling our jets" and by sending him upstairs to calm down. 

2. Then I asked my younger son what he thought happened. I agree he also deserved to toy to have and play with too.

3. We all went upstairs to talk through the toy issue. 

4. I got my older sons perspective, thru some tears.

5. Next were both boys ideas for solutions to the toy matter. And mom sprinkled in some thoughts when they hit dead ends.

6. Then we went over a proper apology steps:

1. Take responsability for what you did do. 

2. Say your sorry. 

3. Offer to make amends.

7. I lived by example: I also asked for some "private time" to talk with my older son about yelling. I took "responsibility for my own actions" explaining how I yelled when he was little (between baby girls age and younger sons) and that was wrong. And that's probably why he yells. "It's normal to get mad, but we have to control our actions. Mommy doesn't yell anymore, right? Younger son and baby girl don't either, right? Because mommy's changing. I'm not yelling anymore am I? Well you also need to try to not yell too." 

I cried a little. He did too. I said I had a bad day. He did too. I said I was frustrated with Babcia, but that's no reason to yell. He said he was too. But I told him no matter how I feel I can't take it out on the people I love. "Mom what can you do?" He said thru his teared up eyes. 

"Ask for private time. Go for a walk. Go read a book. Anything to not hurt others with your pain. Leave to situation. Sometimes we just need a break from life."

We talked thru options: how to "tell and not yell." Talk try options, but If your mad you need to walk away first, and then if you can't think of how to trade toys or take turns, if that doesn't work ask an adult for help.

8. We called in the other two (who were playing in baby girls bedroom but constantly walking in on our talk [which was allowed because kids learn by observation, and seeing mom stay calm and talk it out is really really good observation]). I said older son would meet us downstairs while he figured out what to offer younger son (3rd step in the apology process). Meanwhile I coached younger son to take whatever he's given [since this is the first time practiceing this process] and say thanks, cause we can trade it for something else tomorrow. [just in case my bright ideas need a little nudge, I give a little push!]

9. Older son apologized for yelling while offering a toy up for play as an offering. 

10. After that it was clearly over. The boys shook hands. 

And I felt better. If even for a Moment. I thought after such a strange day, and "dealing with the old," I felt there was a blending in me of all the good I'd learned. I am going to teach my kids - as best I can - the better way of doing things in life. And that's a great place to be.

Make mistakes (because you will). Breath. Reflect. And Laugh.Out.Loud (or cry like I did today with my son)

Old Mom meet New Mom

I used to be a far worse mother then I am now.

I have been reflecting on how I used to be very strict, very schedule driven, and a little uptight. And I always felt good outside with my son. Maybe because I was a little bit "away from it all" when we left the house. He got to run, and I got to breath fresh air.... or maybe it was something I was missing. Something I didn't "get" as a new mom?

Old Mom: when my son wouldn't fall asleep right away at night, I'd get frustrated. If he was thirsty, I'd say "no." If he wanted another story, I'd say "no." And he toss and turn, for 30 minutes or longer..... I'd feel frustrated.

Meet New Mom: one boy is now two boys, and how quickly has time gone by. we have a regular bedtime routine, and if for some reason one or both boys can't sleep, we bend the rules. Now I'll go to my kids bed and snuggle with them. If they can't sleep and they're thirsty we go to the kitchen together and get a late snack (full tummies sleep better). I read them one more book. I rub their back, and give them bunches of kisses. I've learned that saying no in these rare times (maybe 2-3x's per year) just keeps us BOTH up late... I'd rather have a snack, and snuggle until we both fall asleep.

Old Mom, Meet New Mom

Old Mom: Nearly 8 years ago I would rock my son to sleep while playing games on my phone. I'd struggle saying nursing didn't work. I'd tell him to "ssshhhh, be quiet, it's sleep time." I'd put him to sleep in his crib, waking at night to rock him again. Leaving him, alone, in his room to sleep. I'd feel frustrated.

Meet New Mom: now I lay down for naps and bedtime with my daughter. The first moments are for her, to look at her, and to enjoy our fleeting time together. I look at her when she nurses. I rub her head and back. She puts her fingers in my mouth. She'll say "hmmm mmmmn" (whatever she's attempting AS she nurses). And I say "yes" "um hmmm" right back. And then she drifts off to sleep. Next to me, tummy to tummy. And stays asleep all night! And wakes me with a cute "coo" or "mama." And were much happier.

Old Mom: I'd wouldn't let my older son come into our bed at night. We'd always snuggle while reading a book, in his rocking chair, in his room. Only a few times did he ask to come to our bed, and we always said no. I don't know why. And deep down it made me sad.

Meet New Mom: after young son was born, and co slept with us until 18 months, we realized how fast our babies grew up. So we started letting both boys occasionally fall asleep in our bed, and then we transfer back to their beds. Now, when baby girl makes 3 kids, we often let them fall asleep in our bed (Fridays and weekends are to be expected, often more, at least on "moms side" of the bed). And now I get hot faster, and often stuck, pinned, between sleeping kids, and I'm thrilled. 

Old Mom: I would say clean up time, and send my son to clean up. I'd come in and see the work wasn't done, I'd start to get angrier and angrier, and then yell at him that he didn't clean up!!! This continued thru my young sons learning to clean up. Sometimes I'd help. Then I helped more when I heard a song on my older sons cd about cleaning up: 

"It's a busy day there's so much to do, can you help me (child's name). Put the books back on the shelf so we leave it neat for somebody else.... You can reach where it's small, and I can reach where it's tall... 20 fingers is what you need, it's fun when it's you and me." I was frustrated. 

Meet New Mom: I know that "modeling" the behaviors you want your child to do is critical!! They need to see ME cleaning up, CARING for my things, HELPING them clean up, TELLING them where things go, and They PUT it away. Sometimes I have to watch dinner in the pan, or change a diaper, or tend to something (because there's always something), but I always help, for at least 1-2 minutes and start the "clean up time." Modeling the behaviors I want them to have. Yes it takes more time in the beginning but within a few months you stop yelling and seeing the kids doing what's expected! And do you know what? It's helped! I rarely yell (about) cleaning up. I've let go of "I'll do it" and instead say "let me show you how." What a Tremendous wonderful change for us!!

I am really learning every day. I know there are so many more examples I can give. Discipline, Schedule, and Hard Work all hold the same value for us as a family, but my approach to teaching these skills and maintaining our lives has - - - grown. I've learned from most of my mistakes, I hope to keep learning and changing. For my sake as well as there own.

I heard those interview with an author who resides with his family in New York City. The book was something about the Archway in Central Park. And entering the gates of Central Park. Anyway, this author was talking about how he tried so hard to do the best for his kids when they were little, and he tried to be the best dad and do everything "just right." And then his son, who grew up and said to his dad 25 years later, "Dad, when I was little you always used to do this one thing.... {Parents: insert here what you do}." The author said, we can try hard at a lot of things like home work every day, and tossing the ball around on Saturdays, but no matter how hard we try we will still do something wrong and something to "screw our kids up."

I laugh at this all.the.time! Especially when we are having really good family moments, and I'm looking at my kids lovingly in the distance, and it hits me. This moment, right now is great, but somehow I'm still making mistakes elsewhere in their lives. Don't think of this as twisted, it's simply true, so I use it as motivation. To keep evolving as a mom, to keep reflecting on my actions, and theirs. To keep thinking about how I can be better. I will make small changes here and there, because it helps to try and be better. Even if it's a little at a time.

 

 

Make mistakes. Breathe, Reflect. And Laugh.Out.Loud

Our House Rules: Concrete Rules that Teach Meaningful Values

We have house rules, as most homes do. I mean REAL RULES. I love the Pinterest posts about "Smile, Love, Respect Others, etc." These are fun and decorative ideas. But for our home I wanted concrete rules that teach meaningful values. And as we moms know, rules help provide structure and routine to a kids day - which helps them thrive. They learn what the expectations for their behavior are which helps prevent a whole range of tantrums, problems and meltdowns! Children learn their boundaries and hopefully translate them into lifelong values in the process of following the rules.

Put things where they belong, hang up your own coat, wash your hands before dinner, etc. There are times I think its necessary to repeat yourself and the rules often, like when we return home from school and I announce "shoes and coats where they belong!" But other rules should become part of the grain of the home, and what better way then to post those rules for every one to see.

When my oldest son asks, but why do I have to wash my hands I explain that we collect germs all day long. But after a few reminders he can remind himself when I catch him reading the rules :-)

Here's our families house rules modified from an excellent book (slightly outdated) called "Simplify Your Life with Kids: 100 Ways to Make Family Life Easier and More Fun" by Elaine St. James. While some parts of the book are outdated referencing listening to a cassette recorder and the like, the concept of teaching children manners around answering the phone and limiting exposure to "tube time" technology.

I also have a post about our sock bags, to help keep our kids socks organized by owner, and not having sock sorting take over my life!

One final note: you'll notice that in the house rules I did NOT include our iPad / TV limits and plan, like no cartoons in the morning, and Friday movie night. Because these are more schedule related items in our home. Whenever we sit around the breakfast / dinner table and discuss "the plan" for the day, that where these items fall into play. And honestly, our routine is so engrained in the kids, that at THIS point in our family, they know that cartoons are for Saturday mornings.

our Family House Rules

Food and Kitchen

1.           When you use a dish, rinse it and put it in the dishwasher.

2.         When you take something out of the refrigerator, the cupboard, a drawer, or the toolbox, put it back where it belongs when you’re finished with it.

3.         When you create garbage or trash, dispose of it in the appropriate manner.

4.         Wipe off the counters after you have used them. Wipe up any spills or splashes you make.

5.         You can only eat in the kitchen, outside, or the living room on plastic and with a parents’ permission, Every other room is off limits!

6.         Wash your hands before dinner, no phones at the table, and help set up/clear up the table.

Being Polite

7.         Ask permission before you borrow something that doesn’t belong to you, or someone else is using. Return it in the same condition that you found it, if you break it fess up.

8.         Bathroom time is private time. Whatever you have to say can wait until the person comes out.

9.         Don’t yell across rooms, when you need to talk to someone go to where the person is and talk.

10.      Close – don’t slam – outside doors behind you as you come in/out of the house. This includes the pantry door, closet doors and cupboards.

11.       Turn off the lights, T.V., radio, or computer when you are not using them.

12.      Take off your shoes, coat, backpack, baseball cap/hat, scarves, and gloves as soon as you come into the house. Put them where they belong right away. Wear slippers too! Help others!

13.      Tiptoe around anyone who is sleeping. Never wake others up.

14.      DO NOT BOTHER ANYONE DOING HOMEWORK!

15.      Unless the house is on fire or someone is hurt, do not interrupt anyone on the phone.

16.      When adults are talking, wait your turn, do not interrupt someone who is talking. Stand next to that person, or say “excuse me” when they are finished with their sentence.

Be Courteous

17.      ALWAYS you your manners: say please, thank you, your welcome, na zdrowie, salute, etc.

18.      If you see someone needs help, offer your assistance. This way we can all leave the house on time, stay tidy, and support one another. The other person will appreciate it.

19.      If you need help with anything, ask for help! If someone asks you for help, help them!

20.    House rules apply to friends & guests that visit.

21.      Help younger family members with these rules; show them the right way so they can learn too!

 

Rev 10/14/11

 

 

"The days are long, the years are short"

My young son drives me nuts, or is it just me?

I need to simply change my expectations because I expect too much of my kids. Ya, it is my own fault that I can yell at times, and get so frustrated, over what exactly? Noise, a mess, playing rough?

My older son talks clearly, with a great vocabulary, but you know what... he doesn't comprehend concepts yet (money, time, competition and teasing). And he emotionally doesnt understand alot - like that blank stare when I yell. My kids freeze in fear - they were just having fun... why is mom yelling?

I read an interesting article about gifted kids - those who can complete complex math problems in high school, or master playing beethoven by age 8. The brain develops the "skills" but does not develop the emotional brdiges for long term success. Can you imagine the pressure on an 8 year old to perform infront of a large crowd because he is the best? Even if he loves playing, the one thing he isn't doing is being a kid. And as kids play, and face "kids play" challenges, they develop - slowly - the emotions they need to deal with things as an adult. Their "emotional tool box" which will follow them thru life.

So I reflected on this article for my own good...

Stay calm cause really no ones dying - I literally take a deep breath when I feel I am getting angry.

Ironically I did a good job teaching my 3 year old to say "I am getting angry" so we can know to respect his space. I am relearning 30+ years of bad habits - - so I need to take deep breaths!

My own mom used to say: "what's your problem?" I realize that she too didn't know how to put into nicer words: "Honey, I love you,... I know your having a hard time understanding how you feel,... let's talk about it." I realized I don't want to bring up my kids, repeating the cycle, and them bearing the same trauma as me.

Do Not Hit

We have a don't hit policy at home, that incudes grabbing ears, hair, etc. I think the need to get physical arises because my emotions where not allowed, and I was shut down whenever I wanted to speak.... so through the years that built up as anger - 0 to 10 instant anger. My mom would yell and rant through the house and if I spoke up she'd tell me to shut up and listen. I would sit in my room FUMING MAD, mumbling the worst things under my breath.  I never understood where my own anger came from until very recently.And then the final straw - I watched an episode of the super nanny, which usually makes me feel so much better as a mom, where Joan sat a dad down at kid level and yelled at him. The dad could see what a big bully he looked like to his kids. I couldnt swallow the lump in my throat for days.

My husbands mother would pull his ears! How horrible. So when hubby started doing that to our little 3 year old first son, and after I asked constantly for him to stop - guess what? I decided one day when I was within his reach, right after he pulled my son's ear, I pulled my husbands ear - HARD! Needless to say - luckily - it never happened again. Unfortunatly with habits like this, yelling and ear pulling, I think we need to take our own medicine so we know how it feels. Now my husband also takes a deep breath!

I literally take a deep breath when I feel this angry. Then I ask myself, "Is this situation so bad that I will be mad about it in 5 years?" Usually the answer is no.

The good news is... my anger is in check. I stay significantly more calm. My oldest son asks me openly "mom, why do you look frustrated?" And I am honest about what is bothering me... but I am cautious NOT to blame him. I do say things like:

"You didn't put your shoes away, and your brother is screaming, and the baby is hungry... it's alot for mom to deal with right now, but in 10 minutes i'll be okay"


As long as we continue to grow, improve, and be better parents for ourselves and for who our kids are right now this plan can work. Its so simple. And for me, for us, we are okay.

Poetry: a mother yelling

When I was young, my mother would sometimes just yell. We know bad parenting habits are multi-generational. I don't blame her for yelling. Don't get me wrong I consider my childhood a happy one tho. I understand where these things come from. But as an adult I know the constant yelling made me a quick to anger adult. And I Am Breaking The Cycle.... The Yelling Stops With Me!


Yelling at a price

When I was 15 I'd lay in bed
And send my mom curses, in my head
Sometimes I'd wish her dead
Or some other horrible thing

She'd YELL at me for this or that
Why did you drop your HAT?
You're a such a spoiled brat!
Or some other horrible thing

Now I have three kids of my own
And sometimes I get into that yelling zone
And one day will they'll abandon me, Alone
Or some other horrible thing

Terminal Illness... Questions for the Doctor

When a family or friend has a serious or terminal illness it can be a scary time. I like to research lots of opinions, learn what questions to ask, and gain perspectives. So then I can write down My Own questions for the doctor.

Many doctors won't disclose more then basic information unless you ASK specific questions.

When our beloved aunt was being treated with high doses of Morphine we realized her pain level must be tremendous!! The doctors kept using the term "Advanced Cancer," yet kept telling her/us keep fighting and keep hope alive.

When her husband (who had a limited education) asked questions, he asked about what he understood - time. All he could understand regarding cancer was ..."how long does she have to live?" the doctors would say "I'm not God, we don't know that answer." We only felt this was difficult, frustrated and worried.

We called a meeting with the doctor and he met with the family after his rounds at the hospital.

Know that if you ask detailed questions the doctor will offer you more information. Be open minded and considerate of the doctor. Be prepared to hear the unexpected. And know considering risks and benefits of treatments may be a relief or may make you feel more stressed.

Here's what we asked:

How well did the last treatment work?
Did the cancer respond to treatment?

What is the current treatment plan? What are the goals?
What are the realistic benefits and risks?
-relieve symptoms, shrink the cancer, control the spread? or live longer?

Is the bowel obstruction reversible?
Are there surgery or stent options? Or gastrostomy tube?

With the naso tube is some type of venting a next step?
What are the Risks and benefits?

What do you mean by advanced cancer?

Is it treatable? Is it curable?

Is remission possible?

Is she terminal?

Is it time to consider hospice care?

What are the benefits or intervention and further treatment at this time?

These questions help you gain additional information to help you make informed decisions for you and yours.

Snipets of what I say to keep up with our manners (and our sanity) Mom-isms

Mom of two boys and baby girl...OMG. I've reverted too quick comments, and getting POSITIVE words in where I can to make sure were following our manners...often. I try to say what I want the resulting behaviour to be. And keeping up with positive words instead of "no, stop it, don't do that," I try: "do this..., say it like this..., please try...," and (my favorite) "you have to earn it."

Use your words.

Yes they'll sometimes scream or argue, but I encourage them to control their emotion and then label how they feel..."how did it make you feel when your brother screamed...do you like how it feels when you are mean?...please ask for candy, do not grab." And say what they desire, from the spiderman action figure to ice cream..."please use your words...no screaming because I can't hear you...Please ask...please share." and tell them often what they did right "you were very good today,...well behaved, ...nice gentleman or this IS how a gentleman acts."

However I do NOT allow back talk, sassyness or inappropriate sarcasm. They'll hear: "please DO NOT talk to me that way... That was rude, say "I won't say that again Mom."

Showing Love

"Good job...Let's talk about that later (after the meltdown, it helps prevent a meltdown, and sometimes you can discuss when they are more calm)...Keep your hands on your own body...Show me how (to do that)...Kiss your brain...your smart cause You work hard...your sick because you have a Bug in your tummy...Give me a hug... No one kissed me today..." And when my nearly one year old babies started moving around and grabbing everything in sight, I would take the object away gently and say "thank you, thank you!" "No" was saved for dangerous situations like trying to stand in the high-chair.

I say "I Love You" all the time. "Good Morning. I Love You." "When picking up the kids from school, "I missed you today," and I"ll whisper in their ear, "I Love You." "You ate your whole lunch, the sandwich, the ant sticks (celery with peanut butter and raisins) and drank your water! Yaay!!" Big hug, followed by "I Love You."

Manners

"You forgot to say the magic word...that's not how a gentleman acts...go fart in the bathroom...ask to be excused (from the table)...say I'm sorry when you wrong someone...tell someone to "stop it" when they hurt you...use your napkin...I've told you enough to stop (insert X behaviour), now you need to earn your (insert next favorite activity on the schedule, from ice cream to bedtime book) and LET THEM EARN IT!! ...say "Good Game"...I can't see you I can't hear you...I'm in the bathroom, it's private time (when that doesnt' work, "whatever you have to say can wait!") please don't talk to me in that way....ask nicely...say please/ thank you." also I expect my kids to use titles when speaking to/about adults. Don't say Him, "you say Dad, not him."or "Who is she? Mrs. So an so?."

Participate

Tickle fights, snuggle and watch a 20 minute cartoon together, eat dinner together, ..."get me a diaper please, ...I want to play a board game, who's joining me? ...please come say hi to the baby, she missed you today... I love how you are playing nice together...show me 5 (5 minute warning)... Let your brother win, sometimes...sing: clean up time, clean up time, everybody clean up time (mom or dad help too)...keep your hands on your own body...please flush the toilet." "Let's go wash our hands." And when my older son decided to stop after the bathroom hand washing I'd say "it's like eating/playing with pee and poop on our hands ... Do you want that?" He'd ruuuuuun to wash up.

Eat Right

Veggies, fruits, breads, cheese, yogurts.... its about making better choices, understanding portions and when to splurge on a treat! "No cookies today....the tooth fairy wouldn't like that treat...what time is it now? yes, breakfast time. and when do we get candy? Yes, candy is after lunch...in the summer/ have as many Popsicles as you want, after lunch...who's having a snack...I'm having some tea, would you like some?...it's time for a mini scoop (of ice cream)."

Understand Hard Work

To us adults putting toys away is "EZ" - but to a kid it can be complicated and overwhelming. Just like if they fall and scrape their knee, yes they will be OKAY. But first we should acknowledge that they are hurt, and falling down may have been scary. Along these same lines, Say "yes that (whatever they did) was hard (for them!)... That was hard, gimmie five! ... look how many tries that took.... we have to do homework because we are learning to learn... Practice because we do it wrong 100x's and right on the 101st... it looks easy for mom, but it was hard for me once too" (kids don't want to feel they can't accomplish something, and don't want to feel under valued if it's too easy).

"If its not on the list, we don't buy it." this avoids the cries for toys and candy... But occasionally candy and ice cream DO make the list because, after all, they're only kids for a short time! As for spending their own money I offer my advice and opinion to them. But as long as the toy doesn't affect out "rules:" it's safe and doesn't affect their health, they can spend their own money. Look, if they make a mistake, and a bad purchase, that's the best way to learn - for themselves. Kids haven't learned yet that cheap toys break quickly, etc.

Go Outside

Run, jump, fall down, play, ask to play tag with new kids, go say "Hi, my name is," get dirty then come in and learn how to get clean...."outside song: line up, line up, line up, its time to go outside...pee on the other side of the tree...please check for cars...ring the doorbell ONE time, don't yell...say please....check your hands for microbugs...did you use soap?..ask if they wanna play tag...clean up time equals going outside."


These are all ways they learn to be men (and a lady) later in life. I hope they remember these phrases with love and intention.