Old merges with New, Part II: a Proper Apology (the Steps in the Apology Process)

Family. It's something that motivates us, drives us insane at times, but will always remain deep with in us. Even when we try to run away from it we can't. We can pretend, but family is always a part of us. 

In my last post I wrote about struggles with my grandmother. Her health fears and my ever waning strength to be of any help, anymore.

I feel guilty helping her when my kids get tossed off during that hour phone call (good luck ending a call with her quickly). There is ACTUAL needs here by my 'lil ones. Actual needs to be met. But when she acts ridiculous and denies helping herself, there's nothing more I can do. 

I have learned a lot over these last few years living so close to grandmas house. More stories about everyone in the family. Having grown closer to grandma (before we grew a little further apart). I've even spent quality time with my grandfather's side of the family whom I had Never Known Existed. Imagine that...

But I'm learning. I'm reflecting on my own life as I hear so many family stories from the generations gone by. Why did so-and-so do this or that? Why can't they handle their life issues? It's a life puzzle that you piece together with stories. And then once you know, about who and why... Let that information heal you.

Knowing WHY things happen is part of the puzzle. Once your life history and puzzle questions are assembled you have a picture of the answers you've been looking for - and then, it struck me: "what are you going to do with those answers."

My tag line in this blog includes "reflect."

I reflect on the new things I learn and take them in. The information almost grows as a new part of me for a while, I digest the information, I sit with it, In my minds eye I look at it, and then I can see how I can hopefully gain some knowledge from the information. 

Usually it's by redirecting my approach with my kids. Learning from the mistakes of those around me and adding in the awesome Rules and Life lessons I've heard too!! When I see a mom screaming, I remind myself of the times I screamed, I reflect on how awful I felt, and my kid/s felt afterwards. Note to self: don't scream.

In my last post I mentioned my sons had an argument with eachotehr. While I was on the phone with my uncle discussing the most recent issue with Babcia and the results of the doctors appointment; the older son started yelling!! I witnessed my older son in frustration, after being stuck at Babcia's house for nearly 2 hours and totally off routine, and now he has to deal with hearing mom on the phone,...well he had enough! He began to YELL at his younger brother for taking a toy. I mean screaming after he lunged across the table attempting to grab it back. 

I finished my phone call with a quick "I have to call you back." 

Without yelling... I said: I think we all need a break.

1. We handled it first by "cooling our jets" and by sending him upstairs to calm down. 

2. Then I asked my younger son what he thought happened. I agree he also deserved to toy to have and play with too.

3. We all went upstairs to talk through the toy issue. 

4. I got my older sons perspective, thru some tears.

5. Next were both boys ideas for solutions to the toy matter. And mom sprinkled in some thoughts when they hit dead ends.

6. Then we went over a proper apology steps:

1. Take responsability for what you did do. 

2. Say your sorry. 

3. Offer to make amends.

7. I lived by example: I also asked for some "private time" to talk with my older son about yelling. I took "responsibility for my own actions" explaining how I yelled when he was little (between baby girls age and younger sons) and that was wrong. And that's probably why he yells. "It's normal to get mad, but we have to control our actions. Mommy doesn't yell anymore, right? Younger son and baby girl don't either, right? Because mommy's changing. I'm not yelling anymore am I? Well you also need to try to not yell too." 

I cried a little. He did too. I said I had a bad day. He did too. I said I was frustrated with Babcia, but that's no reason to yell. He said he was too. But I told him no matter how I feel I can't take it out on the people I love. "Mom what can you do?" He said thru his teared up eyes. 

"Ask for private time. Go for a walk. Go read a book. Anything to not hurt others with your pain. Leave to situation. Sometimes we just need a break from life."

We talked thru options: how to "tell and not yell." Talk try options, but If your mad you need to walk away first, and then if you can't think of how to trade toys or take turns, if that doesn't work ask an adult for help.

8. We called in the other two (who were playing in baby girls bedroom but constantly walking in on our talk [which was allowed because kids learn by observation, and seeing mom stay calm and talk it out is really really good observation]). I said older son would meet us downstairs while he figured out what to offer younger son (3rd step in the apology process). Meanwhile I coached younger son to take whatever he's given [since this is the first time practiceing this process] and say thanks, cause we can trade it for something else tomorrow. [just in case my bright ideas need a little nudge, I give a little push!]

9. Older son apologized for yelling while offering a toy up for play as an offering. 

10. After that it was clearly over. The boys shook hands. 

And I felt better. If even for a Moment. I thought after such a strange day, and "dealing with the old," I felt there was a blending in me of all the good I'd learned. I am going to teach my kids - as best I can - the better way of doing things in life. And that's a great place to be.

Make mistakes (because you will). Breath. Reflect. And Laugh.Out.Loud (or cry like I did today with my son)

Old Merges with New, in Me. Part I

Old Merges with New, in Me, a photo by areyousureaboutthatblog on Flickr.

I saw this quote today from Socrates and it so powerfully captured the essence of my day - even unintentionally.
"The Secret of Change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new."

My Babcia is 83 years young. She doesn't look her age, she doesn't feel her age (except when her body does), an she most certainly doesn't act her age!! Grandma is a work of art all her own. I seriously don't know anyone else like her. And I know a lot of people and I can read people pretty well, putting everyone sniffly into a category of my choosing.

No one else has her vicious passion and defense of her family (I can say stuff about them but dot you dare!). No one I know can argue you into the ground like her, after words you will have an emotional hangover! You can't finish a sentence or a response because she's already on to the next thought that SHE has. It's rude, and obnoxious, but that's her. Stubborn as a bull, she can laugh you into tears, and be as empathetic and gentle as a new puppy. Morbid in her sense of sharing CNN type news: I tell her I can't believe the recent story of the women who fell asleep drunk on her newborn, she has to "top my story" with "there's a 2-year old baby in Poland that fell out a window and dies of a broken neck...(then to seemingly relate to me)... Where were her parents then?"

And no one is at all illogical like she is, (which explains a lot about my parents). Yet she has "successfully" raised 3 kids, enjoyed partial parenting of 3 out of 5 grandkids and now sees her 3 great grand-children often. Not to say Sunday dinner at her house with the family.

Today I sacrificed a little, enough where it hurt. I had a headache, flu like symptoms, and a sick younger son. Yesterday Babcia wasn't "feeling well." She does have a heart condition, post by-pass surgery, post newly diagnosed A-Fib, consistent high blood pressure, and consistent anxiety. She does always remember what prescriptions she needs to take, she just chooses to regulate her meds as She Thinks she needs them. "I'll take less of this Blood Pressure pill because my Blood Pressure is lower today." Then she'll complain like my 4 year old son how her tummy hurts or she has a headache from "that pill" which she's been taking for a year with no problems. "Take Tylenol," I say. "And add more pills to the mix? No thank you," she replies. My all time favorite is when she goes to a doctors appointment she'll say: "I'm not taking my meds today because I want my Doctor to see what symptoms I have in real life." (You see dear reader, the pills will make the the symptoms stop, isn't that a problem?).

So today Wednesday Babcia calls to take her to a Doctors appointment (which I encouraged her to make). She's suffering from ever worsening anxiety issues and now, I think, she depressed rather often. Her hearts "beating rapidly, pounding," and she "can't live like this!" Not to mention her cheeks burn up and Blood Pressure sky rockets (were talking160-180/90-100). She also gets emotionally crazed, talking loud, stressed out, scared she's gonna die. All understandable.

I had called her electro-cardiologist (fancy) over the last 30 days 3-4 times and asked him to check the Halter monitor she'd been wearing for signs of what's causing these symptoms... And... Nothing. No irregular sinus rhythm, no A-Fib, no flutters (all issues that were
legitimate 30 days ago pre medication controls). Every night shed press the button on the halter to report "heart pounding." She couldn't get to sleep until 1: am nearly every night for days until she'd pass out at 9pm from exhaustion on day 4 or 5. She denies this tho.  We've been through this "pounding heart, heart feels like it's gonna jump out of my chest" many times since her by pass surgery 3 years ago. And each time she's wearing a halter monitor for these self reported "symptoms" nothing appears medically wrong. No other symptoms either, like dizziness, shortness of breath, weakness, chest pains etc. All signs of heart related issues.

Finally, after years and tears of us all explaining to her she is Anxious and gets herself "worked up" she finally did start taking anti anxiety Xanex for her attacks. And she felt better. Dare I say - and don't tell anyone this - she loved it. "It relaxes me, it calms me, I've never felt like this." Can you imagine if my Babcia ever for high in her life? That'd be a funny movie...

Before leaving on a flight to Poland she'd be taking the Xanex up to two days before departure to help "calm her nerves." She gets so excited, and anxious, about the good and bad of her trip, her blood pressure sky rockets!!! She gets extremely hyper in her actions and speech! It's a little amusing to watch. And for 83 - she's not slowing down, well a little.

So back to the doctors appointment call: Tuesday I finally I hit my support wall. Her phone calls are becoming weekly!! Weekly!! No longer at 9:00 am like they Once were, not even8:00 am ("so we could get to the Emergency Room before your son gets out of school [at 2:45 you mean?]"). Now she calls at 7:00 ambefore we are waking up to get ready for school!! Ironically these calls from Babcia are the opposite of my mother-in-law who calls always has a "problem" I the weekend (coincidentally when she knows my husband is home.) she called when I had to get my sons report card this week. He was already going there to sit with them for an hour, but she called anyway at 7:00 am.

After I came back to fetch my kids on Tuesday, she starts right in again, literally as I walk through the door with tears in her eyes. I tell Babcia she's depressed, and her racing heart is caused by her emotions. She won't hear of it... "Something's wrong, something's wrong with my heart won't you believe me." I believe you feel this way, but you are so worried you, yourself, make its beating worse, harder, faster... "But I'm so hot this time, I'm burning up." True. She was red in the face, and wearing her house robe, house dress, a turtle neck and undershirt. Long johns and thick socks, all perfectly matched in off whet and light blue - which being dressed to "stay warm" because she's having chills and the layers of clothes has "[yelling in her normal tone] nothing to do with the warm feeling in my chest!" I won't get started on the temperature related issues, or allergies here in this post.

I'm crying too. What can I do? I can't talk anymore about this. There is no progress. I can't be her therapist. I see her often and I am always exhausted afterwards. And I'm feeling guilty for not wanting to help her anymore. My kids suffer when they are there, watching TV or hours, there like little joking beans when I pick them up again... And each phone calls at least an hour because to her, it's all "new symptoms, different this time."

I was done. "Babcia," as I raise my wrists to her in a hand-cuffed motion, "I can't help you anymore. Everyone can have mental health concerns, except you right? Your older son gets depressed during winter. So does your younger son. Your daughter has her mental issues, and your other daughter can't even deal with anything so she's moved / run far away to another state. But you, your perfectly healthy! You have no mental health issues. Yet these are your kids! Your genes!! I have news for you,.... You also have these issues. The halter motion shows it's NOT YOUR HEART! I've told you this is emotions running wild - you say no! I've told you to call our doctor to get new anxiety meds to help you with this issue - you say no! Then there's nothing more I can do for you." And I left her house.

So today, Wednesday she's going to her doctor, to ask "what could these heart signs be?" My idea, my idea, my freaking idea!!!! So we go. So he gets a new script because yes the Xanex could make her feel uncomfortable as she's reported. I won't get into what I think is her trying to understand. She thinks "maybe the Metropolol dose is too high so the Xanex doesn't work right? And this time my chest gets so warm and my heart just won't stop pounding. I get a headache from the amlodopine so, my granddaughter doesn't know until now, I stopped taking it." Ok, so I got into her head a little.

Here's what scary. I can't help her anymore. I've told her when she wants to stop taking a med to call her doctor first. But it's her life, it's her choice. You can't talk to an illogical person about logic. Her doctors use shock and awe, also amusing, yet scary, to watch.

And the quote. I didn't fight the old today. I went, to her appointment, knowing that I'm done feeding the unhealthy behavior. As for the new, I gave counsel. I witnessed my older son in frustration, after being stuck at Babcia for nearly 2 hours and totally off routine, YELL at his younger brother for taking a toy. We handled it  and I talked thru a lot with him. Practice a proper apology and gave lots of hugs and kisses.

My lesson? I think I know I can't change my Babcia, but I can only try to help move her along a path where she can help herself. As much as that's possible.

I know of my grandmas mistakes in raising her kids, not only from my mom, and uncles and aunt, but from my grandmas own words. I also know a lot of positive things to DO with my kids from her.

Lastly I know how my mom was, and wasn't, with me. While I had a mostly wonderful childhood, I could've done without the yelling. And that's where I am trying to focus my energy on the new - my kids - and showing them how to do things the right way. Handling arguments. Giving time to the elderly. Balancing time between  Family issues. And not yelling and handling things calmly. Trying, always trying.

Make Mistakes. Breath (deep). Reflect and Laugh.Out.Loud!!!


This is a nice reference article on elderly counseling and depression related issues and meds. http://www.mhaging.org/info/olus.html

East Kids Nature Project: Leaf Rubbing

Incorporating nature into our lives and our art is a regular activity. And so easy. Just walk outside your door for that "in-season" inspiration you may need. And some much needed exercise / energy release and running around for the kids.

On a recent walk around the block. we collected leaves of various shapes and colors. Then we proceeded to lay them out in my Older Sons particular order....we secured paper by taping it down on all sides of our cardboard, and rub impression onto paper with color crayons and viola!

This was a fairly easy project to put together. It hung in our front window after we admired it an talked about the interesting "veins" and patterns the leaves made.

Here he is just starting out the rubbing. It was a quick project to get thru, once he picked his colors he was done in 15 minutes or so.

Areyousureaboutthatblog Older Son Picking his Color Scheme

Areyousureaboutthatblog Color Scheme and Variations on the Leaf Details

Areyousureaboutthatblog Close Up of the Leaf Veins and Detail

Nature Project: Leaf Rubbing

Level of Difficulty: EASY

Time: Collecting leaves, may vary. Not including getting coats and shoes on a few minutes. More selective kids may explore the leaves longer, being VERY specific about shapes and colors. That's part of the fun, so don't rush the to pick out there leaves and quickly get to coloring. The outdoor exploring is just as vital!


What You Need:

• Bring Enthusiasm!!
• Leaves, easily collected on a walk through your neighborhood, or around the block.
• Paper, white works well
• Hard surface. Place leaves on the floor and then tape paper over it - watch out for coloring over the edges. If the floor is hard wood, or tiled, the "edges" or flooring detail may poke thru the rubbing effect / might be pretty cool!!
• Crayons, preferably with paper removed slightly or completely. When rubbing or "coloring" just using the crayon tips, less of the leaf detail comes through.

Questions to ask during the project:

When Outside Collecting Leaves - explain the project "We are going to collect some leaves. We want big ones, and little ones, and as many colors as we can find. Then we are going to do a neat magic trick and copy the leaves onto paper using our crayons. It will be amazing!"

Just conversation starters.... don't grill you child with these questions, engage them in conversation!

What color leaves did you find?
Is this a red leaf?
I wonder why the leaves are changing their colors from green to...yellow, red, etc.?
Is that leaf bigger then your foot?
Gee, good thing the leaves are on the ground, so we don't have to climb a tree to get them...why ARE Those leaves on the ground?

At Home:

Layout the project, encourage your child to pick which leaves and allow them to layout out as many or as few as they'd like to prepare for the rubbing. Their is no "right way."

Then tell them it's the "adults part of the job to do" - taping the paper down.

What colors will you pick to rub over your leaves?
What do you think will see when you start to color?
What are those lines on the paper from?
Looks like magic, the leaves are coming thru the paper...
Which one is your favorite leaf rub?
Why do you like it?....(again there are no "right" answers)


Enjoy your quality time together. This quick project will leaf memories for months to come.

The Days are Long, the Years are Short.

Make Mistakes, Breath, Reflect and Laugh.Out.Loud.

Our Thrift Store - New to Me - Mommy Shopping Rules for Children

Can I just say I love 2nd hand shopping! Saving money is a thrill... Especially when you get things on the "I need" list. But when you really want something and can save cash too, well move over cause I want some I that savings.

Hard work and Parent Child Contracts: Being Proactive to Stop the Homework Whining

My son is a bright boy. He is resilient, knows all about animals and there habitats, and a playful boy, acting our crocodile attacks on zebras with accurate animals noises included. But when it comes to his fine motor skills, he has really improved, however he won't be a calligrapher. Maybe via graphic design?

And I know with the latest technology, iPads are the future in "writing" reports, worksheets, and nearly all assignments. Especially by his high school days. My grandchildren probably will have a 3D Pinterest board titled "I don't know what this is:" that beams pictures like a hologram from their iPad v25. And the hologram will be of a Pencil!

But there's something to be said for hard work and perseverance. See my recent bank confusion and perseverance success here. And when we talk about homework and school tests, we don't praise the grade, we praise the work! We say "Good grade, your hard work studying (or reading or just doing homework everyday) really paid off." 

It's the end of the first week of school and his penmanship is legible... the teacher can "read the answer" which has always been our goal. When he brought home an assignment to complete yesterday, he was still falling into some bad habits. I bring the corrections to his attention: 

- "start words all the way to the left,

- use Capital Letters!

- we didn't finger space here did we?"

So what's a mom to do? Be PROactive an flip the script on my kid. I hate lecturing, because it doesn't work since kids can't follow the long train of thought... And I just get exhausted. So instead I make it a positive learning tool. 

For example: last year my older son  struggled to remember his homework responsibilities, so I wrote up a contract which we referenced nearly every day the first month of school - see the homework contract here. Instead of being REactive to his complaints at homework time, I anticipated the whining and instead I was PROactive by having him read the contract, outloud. After we put back packs down and changed our clothes, he'd come to the kitchen for snack time and he'd start reading te contract which was taped to the wall by his seat as he waited for the food.

So this year he knows the homework routine, and now we can focus on the details of what's expected in his work.

I found this graphic on the Internet which highlights Good Writing Habits. My color ink is Out on our inkjet, so we brightened it up the ol' fashioned way, with markers.




areyousureaboutthatblog Being a Better Writer, Starts Here...

This fabulous and small reminder will be where last years homework contract resided. And he'll have to read it everyday out loud before snack. Hopefully this ingrains the expectations to help in his results - better penmanship!

"What good writers do..."

 • They think about their topic.

 • They write neatly.

 • They use a Capital Letter at the beginning.

 • They use punctuation at the end . ? !

 • They use finger spaces.

 • They read it over and over.

 • They ask if it makes ? sense.

I hope this helps with our penmanship. Even tho iPads are the future of "writing" I think that this exercise in hard work, I get better results teaches my son to persevere!(? I hope!).

We've always said a few regular "reminders" for Older Sons penmanship:

• Write Slow
• Make your most BEAUTIFUL letters
• When Assignments come home - we write the letter or the word 5 times, NOT 20!
• We tell our son AND the teacher that "the teacher has to be able to read it to grade it!"
• Please review your sheet and YOU find where you can write it Neater!

Well - at least the teacher thinks his work is improving!

areyousureaboutthatblog Teacher even likes his improved penmanship

The days are long, the years are short. Make Mistakes, Breathe, Reflect and Laugh.Out.Loud.

How to Talk to Your Kids about Adults they should stay away from...

We are at our local park nearly everyday. And nearly everyday we see this weird guy in the neighborhood, walking his big black dog (who as an aside is very aggressive, barking at little kids). Why is he weird? Well I personally get a gut alarm and an uncomfortable feeling around him. He stares at the kids, and not in an admiring way. Especially staring at little girls. What can we as parents do? Unfortunately not much, but we can prepare our children for dealing with creepers around our neighborhood.

Stranger danger doesn't really exist. Most people who commit crimes against children have a pre existing relationship with them, either a family member, a friends parent or a neighbor. So it makes predicting who would harm your child even more difficult since their probably in the family circle already. Which brings us back to this guy at the park. He's in our neighborhood. My kids see him regularly, which seeing him often might make them think he's a safe adult just because we are "used to" seeing him around.  But as the Illinois Sexual Assault registry shows us, predators live everywhere, and sometimes in proximity of our neighborhood, arguably they are someone's neighbor!

I've told my boys, when he's in the park, to come and sit y me so I can tell them something. "See that man over there, don't point at him. He's the one with the black dog. Well we aren't ever allowed to go near him." 

"Why not?"

"Well you know how sometimes you get that weird feeling in your stomach when you've done something wrong, or you see someone doing something wrong? Well that's how mommy feels about him. And sometimes adults know a little bit more then kids about weird adults who might be unsafe. So lets stay away from him."

Over the last two years we have seen this man around. And I've told my boys not to make a big deal about him. Just to always observe where he is, and if he's ever getting close to you, you go play on the other side away from him. And they do pay attention. I've alerted their "inner red flag" gut system. And I'm teaching them to pay attention to that feeling.

One day we were at the local Donut Shop with my husband and the kids and he was there, sitting with two other men. They all seemed a little intoxicated. There we some pre-teen girls there, in summer shorts and T's. The 3 men were staring at them, and making comments to each other under there breaths. Husband and I were in ear shot. We we disgusted. The girls were 10-13 years old, not physically developed yet. It was horrifying. The girls left, and we left after them. 

Whenever I have an uncomfortable Feeling about someone, I always question that feeling, "am I jumping to conclusions? Maybe I'm wrong?" But since I pay close attention usually I'm right. Usually it doesn't turn out to be nothing. So moms pay attention to your inner voice, instinct, and that gut feeling we get. It's not nothing! And tell your kids!

Since the donut shop incident, I've warned my kids even firmer. They are "never allowed near him. And if he ever tries to talk to a girl when your here you must let mommy know right away." What I'd do, I don't know. Probably what I do well, I'd yell at the guy vulgarities and tell him to leave the girls alone, while telling her to get away from him.

He's gotten more forward thru the years, coming into the park play area nearer to the kids, and not just the outter perimeter of the park. That's frustrating. But we do what we can which is notice him, and stay away.

The days are long and the years are short, so enjoy every moment now.