Do Not Hit back, Our BIG BOY VOICE Bully Strategy, for the early Primary Years

When my oldest son was a kindergartener some of the older kids were teasing him, almost bullying. They wouldn't let him "be darth maul when playing star wars" or similar scenarios. They would tease him, or tell him his drawings or activities weren't nice. And it was something mean everyday.

Right away my husband said when situations would arise, or if a boy pushed my son, "hit them." I'd rather we be a not hitting household, unless our kids are hit first. And yes my husband was kidding (until they hit High School right?) So when the picking on our son turned to pushing, physically pushing at recess, we knew we needed to empower our 5 year old son.

Our "don't hit 'big boy voice' bully strategy."

Yes, we spoke with the teacher, but teachers cannot be everywhere all the time. And room moms are mostly on the recess lot. In life my son will need to know how to stand up for himself. So after we tried the teacher route, this strategy evolved.

Handling Kids who push, hit, and bully in the early years...

1. Husband said tell them to stop..."Don't do that to me" Clearly, telling the kids what to do is important. But my son wasn't understanding his cute kindergarten voice didn't cut it.

2. I thought of the "use your big boy voice" when telling anything to the kids that tease.  This made a big difference. Our son physically would change his posture and felt empowered in not only with his words but his voice as well. But one kid, the oldest, wasn't stopping, and we struggled with a way to allow our son to handle it. Yes, he can tell an adult, but as he ages he will need to know what to do himself!

We practiced what a "big boy voice" is... many times, with mom and dad and grandma. Practice helps when it is time to actually DO.


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3. My mom said (Baba Babcia Ula) to help get the kids attention, our son should "touch the kids arm."  Brilliant. This allowed for a sense of intimidation without hitting. Yes, it took courage from our son to get that close to the kid too.

Touch has a very powerful effect. Imagine as an adult when someone touches your arm. You notice the touch. You pay closer attention to the person touching you as a side effect or the touch.  They are also "in your personal 4 foot space" and you will notice them for being so close too.

Eventually a situation came up, and my son said he "knew what he had to do." It worked - one day at recess, when the boy was mean, our son just walked up, put his hand on his forearm, and in a firm, not yelling voice said "Don't do that to me!" and walked away. Instantly, they stopped being mean to him. Granted he didn't always get to play the character he wanted, but the "meanness" from the other boys stopped.

It never happened again!

Make Mistakes. Breathe, reflect and Laugh.Out.Loud!

ONE YEAR LATER
Post Script: One year later, in the first week of First Grade, on his own my son remembered this strategy. Some kid shoved him while playing tag. He used this strategy and firmly held the boys arm and yelled "DON'T DO THAT TO ME!!!" and the boy stared in amazement. A classmate said: "I was gonna tell, but you made him cry." After the pusher stopped crying, my son went to the pusher and said - we can still play, so they continued playing, all 3 of the boys.

My Son Plays Rough, How to Distinguish Violent Versus Rough Play

My husband is a pretty mellow guy. He never play fought or wrestled with our first son. He would play board games and read books to him, or walk him in the neighborhood. So as my baby became a toddler I noticed he was getting a little feisty with dad, and starting to hit or tug at him. My husband discouraged such behaviors, and so did I. I didn't want my son being "violent."

Around three years old I started to notice that my son would "reenact" with his stuffed animals books we had read, or something we had experienced that day. He was role playing with his toys what "mom said" and what "he said" in our conversations. Even expressing feelings and inner thoughts during the play that he had not expressed to me. He would tell his pet lion "no you can't have any candy until after lunch." My son would then say: "oh lion, don't be sad." And I realized this is how children learn, by replaying scenarios in their head, over and over, making connections between this situation and that. Mock play helps them filter their emotions and learn how to cope with those feelings.

And sometimes role play turns rough. And now that my son is older, there is sometimes "death" or "sword fighting" in his imaginary play. After a trip to the museum where Pirates were on display we had an extensive discussion about how pirates would sail on the sea in big ships, and they would attack other ships to steal their goods and treasures. Throughout that week all I heard about was pirates, attacking other ships and finding treasure.

But there is something significant missing in his "mock play" - there is no blood, no spilled brains, no gruesome acts, there isn't an over indulgence in death or dying. That's because the "rough play" is imaginary and is not based in reality. He doesn't watch violent video games, bloody or gory scenes in movies, so his concept of rough play is actually pretty mild.

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As parents we need to distinguish "Fantasy Violence" and "Real Life Violence."  Fantasy violence is when my son says "I'm gonna kill you alligator" and then pounces on the alligator. He usually DOESN'T describe the blood and the gruesome scenes. However if a boy is watching "Real Life Violence" on TV or in video games, where he sees shooting, spilling blood, murder, then he will internalize that violent behavior and then act it out. So instead of jumping on the alligator to kill it, instead he would enact shooting and describe the spilled blood.

For example: as we read a classic tale of "Ali Baba and the forty thieves," in this version, Ali Babas brother is killed by the 40 thieves, and my son has no concept of what "being killed" is. So I explain it in mommy terms, "the brother went to a dangerous place, the thieves cave. And the brother tried stealing from the thieves which made them very angry. Thieves are bad people because they steal from other people and commit crimes. And when they saw the brother the thieves were mean to him too, and killed him because the brother tried stealing from them." But my son also knew that at the end of the book the thieves were punished for their behavior, and he includes "banishment" as he reenacts this lesson in during mock play.

Clearly in this story there is "violence" - murder of Ali Baba's brother, thieves who steal, and at the end of the book the thieves try to attack Ali Baba. But when my son re-enacted this book, he "talked" about the violence, but he didn't talk about blood, cutting off heads, or other gruesome acts that might be seen on a TV version of this story.

Steps for success:
- Don't let young boys watch violence on tv and video games.

- Limit tube time to less then an hour per day. And if you need non-TV time ideas, read my blog about what should my kids be doing if their not watching TV??- Distinguish between reenactments of "fantasy violence" and "real violence." Fantasy violence is "Ali baba and the forty thieves," "king arthurs knights of the round table," "cops and robbers" or pirates. Real life scenarios include too many descriptions of blood and gore, cutting off of body parts or excess pain and suffering.

You know your child and you can identify what he has learned when he is reenacting. You can observe you childs "play" and use that time to explain what his play signifies, explain acceptable violence, and most importantly how to help him understand it and label his emotions.

Make Mistakes, breathe, reflect and Laugh.Out.Loud 

Parenting Boys to Become Confident Men

When you spend time with your son, he feels strong and he feels like he can face the world. But ironically too many of our boys grow up to be men who never feel the sensation "that he can face the world." So why the disconnect?

Parenting Boys to Become Confident Men

I have often been approached through the years by other moms who witnessed my sons fall on the playground or go through a very-likely-melt-down-situation and the boys handled it with ease. Because there's a secret to teaching boys how to stay calm and think during a crisis. There's those moments we have all experienced that are a boy type crisis-that-is-small-to-you-big-to-the-child, like a scraped knee, a fall from their bicycle, or even the dreaded "he took my toy away." As your son cries from frustration, he's actually looking to you for coping skills - "how do I deal with situation mom or dad."

It is pretty simple actually to help boys learn how to cope, or deal with their feelings. But we just don't realize that our "instinct reactions" with boys actually cause us to deny their emotions and and cause them to lack confidence. Its those times that parents and caregivers say "stop crying," or "you're okay." We regularly DENY our sons feelings, and not intentionally. It is simply how we have learned to deal with boys from one generation to the next. Parents may find themselves in this scenario.


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Typical Scenario when a boy gets hurt:
A son, age 5 or so, falls and scrapes his knee, and tears start to fall: the frequent parents reply is something like this:

Parent: "Oh honey, you'll be fine." "It's just a scratch." (maybe he'll get a "let me see the scratch.")
And then "go play, you'll be fine," with my personal favorite "be a man."

This is one example, but you can see the point that parents sometimes initially react as if nothing is wrong...

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What just happened here? Do you think your son isn't really hurt or upset?

In summary we have just denied our sons emotions. By telling him after his fall that he's "okay," as a parent you are not even acknowledging what he feels and that he is clearly hurt (there is a scratch on his knee, even if it's small, it probably stung for at least a moment or more). So as you replay this situation, over and over through the years, unknowingly, your pushing your son away from understanding his feelings. As we tell our sons "oh, your fine" or "be a man, suck it up," you are ACTUALLY telling them "you are not hurt," "you are not angry." Over time this evolves to our boys NOT learning how to label their feelings and instead they learn to IGNORE their feelings.

Think about when you tell your son to "stop crying." Your actually telling him "you are not feeling angry, or sad." And after not being able to label his feelings , he won't be able to cope with his feelings.

Yeah. I know you never thought of it this way, right. As for the boy, he learns "oh, what I am feeling is not real, this emotion isn't happening." He is growing up confused about his own natural emotions and is becoming a confused man. Come on ladies, think about your husbands or boyfriends who can't say 'I love you' or who can't answer your questions in a heated discussion. Yeah, this is why, cause his mom didn't acknowledge his feelings as a boy (so why would he suddenly be able to face those emotions as an adult?)

I'm not saying over indulge the situation because that's not healthy either...but here's a few basics to try: (even for older children this works.)

How to help your son through a Crisis (a fall, or tears for any reason):

1. In any situation where your son is in "crisis," give a hug!

Without saying a word you are acknowledging his feelings (he's hurt, or afraid of what just happended, and that hug says "I know your hurt.") Hugs are a simple, no cost and quick way to show your son "I'm proud of you," "I love you" (great for those dads who find these words hard to say) and the hug acknowledges what your son is feeling in that moment.

{As an aside if your son is crying and is so frustrated he won't stop crying, I tell my boys to go into another room until they are done crying. I'll let them cry for about 5 minutes, and then I'll go in to try and comfort them. EVEN if my son is crying because he did something wrong, it is our job as the parent to teach him HOW to deal with the situation and help him through it. Sometimes you may want to skip over what occured or why he was crying, but you will see in step 4, we always need to talk the situation over with our kids.}

2. Acknowledge the fall or situation: you say "I saw you fall, are you ok?"

Or you can ask where it hurts if you didn't see the fall. Accept your sons emotions - and resist ignoring what your son feels by quickly saying "your okay" as he's crying!! Yes, I know his hurt may be minor ("that kid took my toy away") and you the adult know this isn't so serious, but to a little boy that moment of crisis IS the end of the world. And its your job to help show him how to deal with it.... And DON'T tell him "you'll be fine" until step four. Right now the objective is to recognize and label your sons feelings "Son, I see your are hurt," or angry, frustrated, etc.

3. Label the emotion and Ask if he needs anything.

Believe it or not after such a simple injury they'll usually run off and play (instead of standing and screaming for extended periods). Offer to clean the wound, even a bandaid if it's handy, again the goal is acknowledging his feelings - by following these actions your saying "I know you are feeling {insert emotion} hurt/sad/angry." Or offer a sippy cup or a Popsicle, sometimes that is soothing enough. Even for a purely emotional crises, a Popsicle heals so many "wounds."

4. After he's calmed down you can talk about what happened.

And this is CRITICAL - ask him "how did this fall/situation make him feel? And if he can't label his feelings like "Im sad, or I am angry," you can help him label what he feels and say "I can see you are upset" or "I can see you are embarrassed because you fell."

Then you can explain briefly HOW to be more careful so this doesn't happen again (don't just say be more careful, that's so abstract to a little boy, even to a teenager). You can reassure him at this point that "you'll be okay." (He will feel so relieved knowing his scraped knee doesn't mean he needs to have his leg amputated.) And I said briefly, because your son will eventually run off to play, and his brain continues processing this situation. He might at some point, ask you questions about what he just "survived" (for him it was survival...).

The Aftermath

If you follow these steps you will find over time your son will simply run over for that hug, and then run off. He will be more confident even at a young age. I live this philosophy with my boys and they truly adapt well in uncomfortable, new, or scary-to-a-kid situations. Even doctors visits with vaccines are not overly traumatic. There's a quick yelp instead of screaming drama, this philosophy will
transcend your parenting nightmare situations! Really.

Hopefully later in life, your son who has been coached thru his feelings will later be able to deal with them.

If you are reading this post, please post a comment below on what you liked - or didn't  - about this read. Does the topic interest you and you want to know more? Submit a question and I am happy to tackle it.

Post Script July 30, 2012

Watching the London 2012 Olympics Men's Gymnastics, and they keep making mistakes. Surprising mistakes that high trained athletes don't make!! Then an announcer said that "emotions run high at these events, and you can feel their excitement walking up to their performances." Then after the errors they said "it must be the enormity of the situation." Those men (young teenage- 20 something's) could very possibly be unable to deal with their emotions. It's not all the men who were struggling... But those who couldn't control that excitement made the errors. Knowing what I do from my children and the countless other boys in our lives... My theory holds a strong case. Go Men's Gymnastics... Cheering hard for you.