When my oldest son was a kindergartener some of the older kids were teasing him, almost bullying. They wouldn't let him "be darth maul when playing star wars" or similar scenarios. They would tease him, or tell him his drawings or activities weren't nice. And it was something mean everyday.
Right away my husband said when situations would arise, or if a boy
pushed my son, "hit them." I'd rather we be a not hitting household,
unless our kids are hit first. And yes my husband was kidding (until they hit High School right?) So when the picking on our son turned to
pushing, physically pushing at recess, we knew we needed to empower our 5
year old son.
Our "don't hit 'big boy voice' bully strategy."
Yes, we spoke with the teacher, but teachers
cannot be everywhere all the time. And room moms are mostly on the
recess lot. In life my son will need to know how to stand up for
himself. So after we tried the teacher route, this strategy evolved.
Handling Kids who push, hit, and bully in the early years...
1. Husband said tell them to stop..."Don't do that to me"
Clearly, telling the kids what to do is important. But my son wasn't understanding his cute kindergarten voice didn't cut it.
2. I thought of the "use your big boy voice" when telling anything to the kids that tease.
This made a big difference. Our son physically would change his posture and felt empowered in not only with his words but his voice as well.
But one kid, the oldest, wasn't stopping, and we struggled with a way to allow our son to handle it. Yes, he can tell an adult, but as he ages he will need to know what to do himself!
We practiced what a "big boy voice" is... many times, with mom and dad and grandma. Practice helps when it is time to actually DO.
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3. My mom said (Baba Babcia Ula) to help get the kids attention, our son should "touch the kids arm."
Brilliant. This allowed for a sense of intimidation without hitting. Yes, it took courage from our son to get that close to the kid too.
Touch has a very powerful effect. Imagine as an adult when someone touches your arm. You notice the touch. You pay closer attention to the person touching you as a side effect or the touch. They are also "in your personal 4 foot space" and you will notice them for being so close too.
Eventually a situation came up, and my son said he "knew what he had to do." It worked - one day at recess, when the boy was mean, our son just walked up, put his hand on his forearm, and in a firm, not yelling voice said "Don't do that to me!" and walked away. Instantly, they stopped being mean to him.
Granted he didn't always get to play the character he wanted, but the "meanness" from the other boys stopped.
It never happened again!
Make Mistakes. Breathe, reflect and Laugh.Out.Loud!
ONE YEAR LATER
Post Script:
One year later, in the first week of First Grade, on his own my son remembered this strategy. Some kid shoved him while playing tag. He used this strategy and firmly held the boys arm and yelled "DON'T DO THAT TO ME!!!" and the boy stared in amazement. A classmate said: "I was gonna tell, but you made him cry." After the pusher stopped crying, my son went to the pusher and said - we can still play, so they continued playing, all 3 of the boys.
