You learn as you go

You learn as you go.

My older son is now 7 and I have come to realize some mistakes I've made in raising him. 

When I wrote the blog below on a schedule for toddlers, I was very proud of the fact that I limited his TV tube time. He actually didnt watch any TV or kids videos until he was almost 3. This was before iPhone an IPad too. And now I realize that was a big mistake.

Routine keep me sane!

See our family routine in this post. And the original MIMIT KIDS TV SCHEDULE Routine post here. And more ponderings on the schedule here.  

Our youngest son did get some TV before age 2, mostly watching along side his brothers TV/tube time. So the youngest had early exposure to television.

Nowadays when my kids do get to watch TV for Friday movie night or cartoons on Saturday morning, the older one is completely plugged in (or zoned out). While the 3 year old can tune in and out to come get a drink from the kitchen and even gets bored with the shows. 

If I had to do it all again, I'd follow our new routine.

After we drop off the older one at school, my younger kids get 1 (one) hour of TV in the morning (which is public television cartoons like sesame street) without those commercials that are so awesome for kids who react with "I want that!" This way the kids get to relax and enjoy some TV time before we move on with our daily activities.  There is still almost no TV during the school week for the older one, except one 1/2 hour program (our play on the iPad) after homework and responsibilities are complete. 

Kids new that time to unwind, or wake up. And just like adults need to zone out sometimes, so do kids. 

YOUTUBE CHANNEL INFO

Our family has had many adventures through the years. Mom, the @Minstr0Interior had an a-ha moment . . .  Suddenly I See what we will have filled our life with, ADVENTURES! We travel, craft, sing, dance, collect insects and spend loads of time together. Sometimes too much time together. Our kids have recently begun to document their own adventures, and so this channel was born. Enjoy our adventures. Or not. WANT MORE? If there is a blog post accompanying this video we will share it here. Sometimes we will include the ingredients list of the craft or recipe, or the itinerary of our trip. In the meantime click play. 

From our family: 👍 + 🙃 + ❤️ ( Thumbs up, emoji face, hearts! )

See It Live >>> 

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC2mGpujQIVgxdfTImFnQuLA

Make mistakes. Breathe. Reflect and Laugh.Out.Loud.

#WhyIStayed tweets remind me to teach my kids NOW. Take Responsibility, Steps to an Apology, Talking to Kids.

I've always been an advocate for taking responsibility for "what you did do" instead of telling me the typical kids (and often adult) reply "but he...". I didn't realize or actuality my "taking responsibility" philosophy until I had my kids.

As with most things, watching my kids interact it helps crystallize how I feel about the subjects and issues that come
up in real life via the news, NPR, Facebook and Twitter. This post goes a little around the bush when it comes to the issue around the #whyIstayed tweets highlighting that we should ask the abuser "why they hit/hurt" not ask the victim why they stayed. These tweets reminded me how we have come a Long way in our home to evolve and develop the philosophy to: *Take Responsability for what you did do.*

We humans don't naturally take well to "taking responsibility." It's so much easier to deflect, and blame people or inanimate objects: my computer isn't working, he didn't get me the file I needed in time to complete the summary, it's not my fault I had 2 hours of homework and I didn't finishy chores. However this no longer flies in our home. I started seeing my kids, and neighborhood kids telling stories with the *blame something* reason, and parents agreeing with their kid! These observations awakened my frustration when others don't take responsibility for their actions. And frankly when we parents and guardians don't teach our kids HOW to take responsibility.

#WhyIStayed tweets remind me to teach my kids NOW, a photo by areyousureaboutthatblog on Flickr.

Enough of the blame game.

#WhyIStayed tweets remind me to teach my kids NOW, a photo by areyousureaboutthatblog on Flickr.

How to Apologize

I once watched the Bachelor: the final rise ceremony (even tho I don't watch the series I always seem to catch this particular season end-episode) and observed the Worst Apology. A brief, insincere, "well I'm sorry for that." Clearly the crappy apology resonated with me because the next day I witnessed one of my older sons one-in-a-dozen apologize to his brother in a lame insincere way and because mom "said so." The TV shows fake apology irked me, and brought to my conscious surface the fact that I hate insincerity. Don't bother apologizing for the sake of saying the words, do it right or don't do it all. I want my boys "to do what's right BECAUSE it's the right thing to do." And do it correctly.

After these two a-ha moments, I googled a proper apology. I knew you needed to say "I am sorry" (while making eye-contact), but I even lacked knowing the other two important parts. A prope apology has 3-steps. First: Acknowledge what you DID do. Second: Saying I'm sorry. And Third: Making up for what you did.

"The TV shows fake apology irked me,

 and brought to my conscious surface

 the fact that I hate insincerity. Don't

 bother apologizing for the sake of

saying the words, do it right or

don't do it all." 

For my kids the hardest learning was Acknowledge what YOU did. Kids readily say "I'm sorry I hit you... BUT don't take my toy from me." Instantly defeating the purpose of the apology and using the "BUT he" to instantly blaming the person they hurt. Or the alternative "But I didn't ... (Do what I'm being blamed for). The denial of the younger brother accusation, because the younger brother is slightly off in his explanation of what happened. I just shit it down! Mom says: "Take Responsibility for what you did do!" Oh my! The "But He" and "but I didn't" doesn't fly with that statement. It's not an open-ended "what did you do?" Instead it's direct because I'm telling them to step up and "take Responsibility." We've found that the key element.

I leaned early to teach the kids what "their Responsibility is." Granted after my young son was born this became easier because I witnessed that i am not an octopus and I can't do it all. I also didn't want entitled children - that's a separate blog post. So my standard line evolved. Feed the dog, it's your Responsibility. Clean your room, I don't play their, it's your Responsibility. And when my older son began to argue... Why do I have to empty the dish washer? I said for An Entire Summer in 2014 "it's your Responsibility. I have to make lunch, dinner, take care of baby girl, take care of everyone's laundry... Do You Do That? No! Because those are my responsibilities. Everyone in this house has a Responsibility, and for now, this one is yours." My older son couldn't argue his way outta that.

I'll ice the kids this: it's uber hard to stand their and just say what "you did" without blaming anyone or anything. Extremely difficult even for me as an adult. Taking full Responsibility for your share of the crime, wow! How rarely do we see that happen with adults, let alone kids?

I think I blogged previously of when my older son, then in kindergarten, needed to apologize to his teacher. I made him memorize the 3 steps, And repeat it a dozen times between 3 pm Wednesday and 8 am Thursday. (I am happy to report I'm a better mom and the apology system flows in our house thru practice now and not military drills.)

I personally have lived this apology style after teaching it to my kids. It really is very difficult to simply acknowledge only your portion of the act. But it's also EXTREMELY empowering. Borderline manipulative power. As an aside, when I've witnessed my kids enact the "take Responsibility for what YOU DID do."

Building Character thru Taking Responsibility

Which brings me to an interesting by product of the "take Responsibility" philosophy and "proper apology," building character. I read a fabulous book early in my older sons life titles "The Men they will become," which discussed how character forms and how boys become men. (I think I have blogged about how this book helped me also understand developing a boys "emotional toolbox," see those blog labels too.) He was 2 years old when I was learning about why we need to let boys make mistakes. And when boys take stupid risks, it's their natural way of learning (note: the stupid risks are arguably not INSANE and danger risk levels are curbed because we've done our parenting job and the little voice goes off in my sons head saying "this isn't a good idea!"). 

Mistakes are critical to child development. But we need to tell the kids, show them to learn from their mistake, and them it becomes a lesson! And a learning. All the while building character, because their doing things, and verbalizing emotionally difficult subjects, embarrassing ones. But I hope, that at this young age - if I ingrained that act of taking responsibility - maybe my kids will not take crazy risks. They've lived a difficult apology, and reparations which prepare them (the boys especially) for preventative good decision making.

Prevention

This parts lasts, because it started when my older son was 6 or so. You don't beat people up. You don't hit girls ever. You can restrain others from hitting you, but you don't start the fight. A gentleman defends his honor, and his family, but he doesn't provoke an attack.

I have also told my boys that when it's time to get married, pick a girl who speaks another language, who can cook as my kids will know how to cook well also), who loves you and who doesn't start fights with you. You shouldn't have to argue a lot.

These are simple principles, but their reiterated very often in our home. Very Often, as often as the dangers of crossing the street!!!

I hope all these values combined: "taking Responsability for what you did do, and reparations," help build their character. To do things in life that are difficult, and build their emotional toolbox.

Then the guiding values of the "qualities their partner should have" in addition to what the kids will eventually find attractive, will help them stay away from people who instigate, and those that live in anger.

And then there's this,....the Church forcing the issues 


#WhyIStayed tweets, we can't allow the church to hide it's abuses anymore, a photo by areyousureaboutthatblog on Flickr.

I hope in the end - this helps all of us avoid the #whyIstayed scenario. Because they've been taught to take Responsibility if their actions and words.

Make mistakes. Breathe, reflect, and Laugh.Out.Loud!!!

Banned for Life, Why the NBA is just Like a Mom who says "You Can't Play with Your Toys"

Banned for Life, Why the NBA is just Like a Mom who says "You Can't Play with Your Toys"

When my kids get a little crazy, and simply cannot follow the rules, sometimes mommy has to implement a punishment. Ad I don't mean the occasional name calling and subtle teasing. These consequences usually happen after being together for a week, like when during Spring Break after the newness of being ALL together again wears off and instead we get on each others nerves in a major way. In these instances the everyday "take a break in your room" or "please use inside voices" doesn't cut it. Because the behaviors of yelling at each other or calling names to intentionally hurt each others feelings repeat everyday. I personally am not a fan of consequences but they are unfortunately necessary to help learn important life lessons. And the more serious and swift consequences has an interesting effect on our familial unit.

I tell my kids they "can't play in the toy room for 2 days." It's not that I am taking their toys AWAY. Because my older son, who saves his various birthday and other money gifts, in his mind he can buy himself a new toy/s. Instead I am taking away their "power of play." They CANNOT PLAY with their toys... And that so much worse!

As we know adult men, I'm stereotyping, love their toys. Especially playing with their toys. So taking away their ability to play with said toy IS TORTURE!! My kids pace in front of their toy room, looking over the gate, pointing out a particular favorite to their sibling, asking "how soon until the toy room reopened?" Their toys are RIGHT THERE, just over the threshold, within their reach every day, but they ARE NOT ALLOWED to play.

The interesting affect this "Cannot Play" consequence has on our kids is they unite.   They unite in their sadness of the consequence. They commiserate in their feelings. And eventually they reflect on what caused the consequence and apologize for their needless behavior (okay, mostly mommy prompts this last part). I have come to appreciate consequences NOT as a punishment, but for the end result of a united family.


Banned for Life, Why the NBA is just Like a Mom who says "You Can't Play with Your Toys", a photo by areyousureaboutthatblog on Flickr. Top: NBA Los Angeles Clippers Owner Donald Sterling and the Clippers logo from TMZ. Bottom: Our Toy Room Immediately after the "You Can't Play with your Toys" punishment is implemented, my kids view of the close yet unobtainable toys.

Now imagine this "No playing with your toys, EVER! You are Banned FOR LIFE." punishment? My kids normally do not through tantrums and they would be kicking and screaming on the floor!!! And that's what he NBA commissioner did to L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling with their Lifetime Ban, you can't play with our toys. Now the commissioner can't actually take Donald's toys away (even tho he is gonna try). And yes, Donald can buy news toys. But he has publically been embarrassed and shut out from playing with our toys!

All the while this punishment does the most important and truly only function that is important, it creates a united family in the NBA Organization! The punishment to Sterling isn't so much a punishment for him, as it is to unite the NBA players, coaches, employees and officials - saying we are united AGAINST racist behavior in our group. PERIOD.

The remaining racists in the NBA will be temporarily closeted. And frankly, as I also see with my kids, there will be a change in behaviors. There will still be racists, however they will attempt to control themselves a little more due to the swift and firm punishment publically issued today. Societies change, slowly. Policies and our actions related to racism also change slowly. But we DO CHANGE, in every generation making some progress partially because of PUBLIC DECISIONS like the NBA Commissioner shared today. Racism will not be tolerated in our family!

Thank you NBA Commissioner for ousting a member of our family who was not playing nice, and not being professional, and not allowing his racist comments to go unpunished. Donald Sterling can buy different toys, but he can't play with ours!

I recently blogged about "Banned for Life, How to punish the Rich and Powerful." And I realized that the NBA punishment issued today is no different then when I need to make some serious consequence decisions for my kids. I take their power away, to help guide them to some better decisions.

Original post April 29, 2014

Make Mistakes. Breathe, Reflect and Laugh.Out.Loud

Banned for Life, How to Punish the Rich and Powerful

Banned for Life, How to punish the Rich and Powerful.

Recently the NBA owner of the L.A. Clippers, Donald Sterling was secretly recorded making racist remarks to his (ironically mixed race half Black) girlfriend. When people in high level powerful positions in this country make a public statement (or something that "gets out") they are usually dealt with in a manner expected to temper public feelings and address the perception of wrongness.

What can we do with people like Sterling? Can we make him attend a "learn how not to be a racist" class? Of course not, nor will punishing him likely change his behavior or his opinions. But the Punishment issued today is not just for Sterling, as it has been perceived in the media as trying to hurt him in someway. With many debating is the punishment enough? In these cases the punishment will never "be enough." However the Lifetime Ban did achieve two things in the progress against people like Sterling and for the NBA.

Mostly, the NBA Commissioners handing down of a Lifetime Ban from the NBA today was not so much a punishment for Donald Sterling, as it was meant to show a united front on the part of the NBA family. We the NBA and our players, coaches, employees and owners will NOT ALLOW RACISM in our family! PERIOD!  I also blogged about how punishment and "Not letting my kids play with their toys" helps my kids UNITE, not too different from the NBA.) It's team unity that American sports function on. Equality in sports is not just an idea, but something all national sports organizations survive and thrive on. Equal players playing at the best of their ability so the best team wins. We don't compare race at the end of the game. We compare stats, height, rebounds, assists, fouls and points. 

The NBA owners and employees know they can't truly hurt Sterling, or take away Sterling's loads of money in a financial punishment. The only way to hurt a rich and powerful person is to take away their power, and that's what the NBA Commissioner did today.

The NBA Commissioner, implemented a swift action to keep the members of the  NBA family united and to work in place. The action had to be immediate because this is a Living, Breathing, now public, issue. Swift action was required before players and coaches revolted beyond the reverse jersey protest of the Clippers team.  The removal of power was complete. The NBA removed ALL of Donald Sterlings rights and decision making controls in his ownership of the Clippers. All his "ownership powers" were impacted. Not only does he get a Lifetime Ban from attending games, more importantly, he cannot make any decisions related to his position, players, teams, or NBA related matters. What good is ownership without power? Men like him thrive on power, therefore "cutting him off at the knees" was ideal.

Racism however silent, exists. As many know it is often swept under the rug because it cannot be proven and frankly, all too frequently nothing can be done about racist remarks. In the case of Donald Sterling he has a history of racism, in personal and business matters. Publicly discussed law suits have addressed his racist remarks and business decisions. Basically, going into this NBA Ban related issue, he wasn't an innocent man. I've read thru Facebook and in the media his cases just added fuel to the "Sterling fire." In a court of law these other cases lend credibility to his character and matter, but in the court of public opinion, whom the NBA needs to satisfy, this is irrelevant.


Banned for Life, How to Punish the Rich and Powerful, a photo by areyousureaboutthatblog on Flickr.

Yes the recording was made in secret, but nonetheless the racist remarks were picked up by big media. And just because we have privacy rights, those rights don't erase such comments for a person in a powerful position in the public eye. Public figures know that with their position comes responsibility and a loss of some privacy as is in the current media environment. As for his well financially maintained girlfriend, yes she's a questionable person, but her benefiting financially from their relationship is nothing new. And frankly, again, this is irrelevant. If Sterling ends up suing the NBA for their unjust punishment, and wins (that his privacy was compromised), he really can't gain much back!  The NBA is an organization, as with any organization, who maintains  professional standards which their members need to follow, therefore their ruling stands.

There's a bigger issue here, and that again is racism. We cannot erase racism. Not the views of our grandparents who were raised in a different world as is seen by our generation. However, race issues make progress because of public decisions like what the NBA handed down today. We, the NBA as an organization, have views and values that are Stronger then the individual. Therefore your either with us or against us. That's why the NBA had to address this matter so swiftly and passionately. Showing a united organizational front, showing that while their are racists among us, they better keep their poker face on, or else your out. And don't be fooled into thinking this is One Man, it doesn't matter. We can all sight historic examples where Blacks, Latinos, Women, and subcategories of those who were wronged because of perceived righteousness amongst the organizational leaders. But the tides have changed. Blacks didn't always serve in the military, women weren't always in the workforce, however things changed. And as public views change so does the public. Just not my grandparents generation.

Make Mistakes, Breathe, Reflect, and Laugh.Out.Loud

How to Help with Homework, School Strategies, What a Mom to Do?

The early elementary school years are about "learning how to learn." Strategies on how to read or count, because yes there is more then one way. As a new parent I didn't know what's job was when my older son started bringing school work home. I is find myself getting frustrated when he didn't complete worksheets correctly, or if he didn't understand a concept quickly or "get it." I am embarrassed because I feel I should've known better. But how? Or why would I know? No one taught me. So I am also "learning to learn how to help my kids" with their school work an what's expected.

What is Homework?

My husband and I discussed early on what our "job is as parents is" when it comes to school work. Just because he is a Principal doesn't always mean we have thought through our parenting role. Or that we agree on our roles... so we discuss, plan, reflect and readjust as needed.

Homework, in our home, in these early years means we are learning how to work hard at our school work. Mom included. Homework is not about being easy, or hard, it is about the time it takes to complete the work. About the steps involved in completing homework (sharpening your pencil, not wanting to do it when you have to, using an I-pad or book for research, etc.). Homework is "hard work" sometimes and that's okay, he is learning perseverance in times of, well... laziness.

My son brought home his reading test with a love note for his teacher. "This is not a full answer." However to my frustration she didn't review with him what a FULL ANSWER IS. So in turn, that's my job, the parents job is to reinforce ideas the child is and is not learning. And while I feel that a "complete answer" should be reviewed in class, I am happy to do it as best I can at home. Not perfect, but the best I can do.

So when we finished homework assignments that night, I had one more assignment for my son to do.

1. Read the instructions (or in this case the message from the teacher): I read to my son what the teacher had written.

2. Check for Understanding: Then I asked him did he understand what the teacher meant? "Can you tell me what a full answer is?" He said no.

3. Explain the Idea (explain what needs to be learned as best you can, simply...) I explained, again, with out being upset or frustrated because THIS IS MY PARENTING JOB what a full answer is. "A Complete or Full Answer is when you write down on the paper everything in your brain about the questions. How does the teacher know what's in your brain if your don't write it down?" We reviewed that he should write 2 - 3 sentences about the question, and suddenly he remembered learning how to write a "short answer" in class.

4. Do the work! Even though my son didn't want to, when he saw me drawing with a ruler the lines on the back of his page, "Mom, what are you doing?"
I said "I would like you to write the answer correctly."
"But mom I don't have to, we don't have to correct our test, it doesn't count."
Ha! He is still learning how "moms way" works. I said you need to "learn from his mistake. Making mistakes is important, that's how our brains learn. But we need to correct our mistakes when we can so our brain re-learns the correct way. Start Writing."

How to Help with Homework, School Strategies, a photo by areyousureaboutthatblog on Flickr.

In this photo you can see I drew three lines WITH A RULER (my son hates - or is lazy - about using his tools) so he can rewrite at home the proper answer that's "in his head." The next time he drew the lines, I cannot do this "work" for him.

The story the class read for the test was fresh in his mind. Even if we would have done this activity 1 or 2 days after the test, he would have been able to complete it. My son did have three ideas about the story he read. And he wrote three sentences (which he remembered was the maximum, "two is the minimum, mom"). If my son would not have remembered the story, I probably would've read him a short story and made up a question for him to answer. He still needed to DO the work.

5. Review The Work. We reviewed what he wrote. I asked him if he liked his new answer.

5a: Ask about their emotional state (this helps kids build confidence and make them feel good about learning and relearning from mistakes!). How did it make him feel? "Like I am smart." I said I felt "like you CAN show your teacher what is in your brain."

6. Review the old and new work. Compare them.  I read him his old answer and the new answer, and I asked him which one he liked best. He preferred the three sentences.

Learning from our mistakes IS one way to learn. As a parent I feel we just need to review school work and try to reinforce the ideas when papers come home with 100% or less. Homework is about doing the work not just about the grade.

No, my son did not have to turn in our correction - the purpose of this lesson was to learn how to do things correctly, not about the credit.


Make Mistakes. Breath, Reflect. and Laugh.Out.Loud

Old merges with New, Part II: a Proper Apology (the Steps in the Apology Process)

Family. It's something that motivates us, drives us insane at times, but will always remain deep with in us. Even when we try to run away from it we can't. We can pretend, but family is always a part of us. 

In my last post I wrote about struggles with my grandmother. Her health fears and my ever waning strength to be of any help, anymore.

I feel guilty helping her when my kids get tossed off during that hour phone call (good luck ending a call with her quickly). There is ACTUAL needs here by my 'lil ones. Actual needs to be met. But when she acts ridiculous and denies helping herself, there's nothing more I can do. 

I have learned a lot over these last few years living so close to grandmas house. More stories about everyone in the family. Having grown closer to grandma (before we grew a little further apart). I've even spent quality time with my grandfather's side of the family whom I had Never Known Existed. Imagine that...

But I'm learning. I'm reflecting on my own life as I hear so many family stories from the generations gone by. Why did so-and-so do this or that? Why can't they handle their life issues? It's a life puzzle that you piece together with stories. And then once you know, about who and why... Let that information heal you.

Knowing WHY things happen is part of the puzzle. Once your life history and puzzle questions are assembled you have a picture of the answers you've been looking for - and then, it struck me: "what are you going to do with those answers."

My tag line in this blog includes "reflect."

I reflect on the new things I learn and take them in. The information almost grows as a new part of me for a while, I digest the information, I sit with it, In my minds eye I look at it, and then I can see how I can hopefully gain some knowledge from the information. 

Usually it's by redirecting my approach with my kids. Learning from the mistakes of those around me and adding in the awesome Rules and Life lessons I've heard too!! When I see a mom screaming, I remind myself of the times I screamed, I reflect on how awful I felt, and my kid/s felt afterwards. Note to self: don't scream.

In my last post I mentioned my sons had an argument with eachotehr. While I was on the phone with my uncle discussing the most recent issue with Babcia and the results of the doctors appointment; the older son started yelling!! I witnessed my older son in frustration, after being stuck at Babcia's house for nearly 2 hours and totally off routine, and now he has to deal with hearing mom on the phone,...well he had enough! He began to YELL at his younger brother for taking a toy. I mean screaming after he lunged across the table attempting to grab it back. 

I finished my phone call with a quick "I have to call you back." 

Without yelling... I said: I think we all need a break.

1. We handled it first by "cooling our jets" and by sending him upstairs to calm down. 

2. Then I asked my younger son what he thought happened. I agree he also deserved to toy to have and play with too.

3. We all went upstairs to talk through the toy issue. 

4. I got my older sons perspective, thru some tears.

5. Next were both boys ideas for solutions to the toy matter. And mom sprinkled in some thoughts when they hit dead ends.

6. Then we went over a proper apology steps:

1. Take responsability for what you did do. 

2. Say your sorry. 

3. Offer to make amends.

7. I lived by example: I also asked for some "private time" to talk with my older son about yelling. I took "responsibility for my own actions" explaining how I yelled when he was little (between baby girls age and younger sons) and that was wrong. And that's probably why he yells. "It's normal to get mad, but we have to control our actions. Mommy doesn't yell anymore, right? Younger son and baby girl don't either, right? Because mommy's changing. I'm not yelling anymore am I? Well you also need to try to not yell too." 

I cried a little. He did too. I said I had a bad day. He did too. I said I was frustrated with Babcia, but that's no reason to yell. He said he was too. But I told him no matter how I feel I can't take it out on the people I love. "Mom what can you do?" He said thru his teared up eyes. 

"Ask for private time. Go for a walk. Go read a book. Anything to not hurt others with your pain. Leave to situation. Sometimes we just need a break from life."

We talked thru options: how to "tell and not yell." Talk try options, but If your mad you need to walk away first, and then if you can't think of how to trade toys or take turns, if that doesn't work ask an adult for help.

8. We called in the other two (who were playing in baby girls bedroom but constantly walking in on our talk [which was allowed because kids learn by observation, and seeing mom stay calm and talk it out is really really good observation]). I said older son would meet us downstairs while he figured out what to offer younger son (3rd step in the apology process). Meanwhile I coached younger son to take whatever he's given [since this is the first time practiceing this process] and say thanks, cause we can trade it for something else tomorrow. [just in case my bright ideas need a little nudge, I give a little push!]

9. Older son apologized for yelling while offering a toy up for play as an offering. 

10. After that it was clearly over. The boys shook hands. 

And I felt better. If even for a Moment. I thought after such a strange day, and "dealing with the old," I felt there was a blending in me of all the good I'd learned. I am going to teach my kids - as best I can - the better way of doing things in life. And that's a great place to be.

Make mistakes (because you will). Breath. Reflect. And Laugh.Out.Loud (or cry like I did today with my son)

Old Mom meet New Mom

I used to be a far worse mother then I am now.

I have been reflecting on how I used to be very strict, very schedule driven, and a little uptight. And I always felt good outside with my son. Maybe because I was a little bit "away from it all" when we left the house. He got to run, and I got to breath fresh air.... or maybe it was something I was missing. Something I didn't "get" as a new mom?

Old Mom: when my son wouldn't fall asleep right away at night, I'd get frustrated. If he was thirsty, I'd say "no." If he wanted another story, I'd say "no." And he toss and turn, for 30 minutes or longer..... I'd feel frustrated.

Meet New Mom: one boy is now two boys, and how quickly has time gone by. we have a regular bedtime routine, and if for some reason one or both boys can't sleep, we bend the rules. Now I'll go to my kids bed and snuggle with them. If they can't sleep and they're thirsty we go to the kitchen together and get a late snack (full tummies sleep better). I read them one more book. I rub their back, and give them bunches of kisses. I've learned that saying no in these rare times (maybe 2-3x's per year) just keeps us BOTH up late... I'd rather have a snack, and snuggle until we both fall asleep.

Old Mom, Meet New Mom

Old Mom: Nearly 8 years ago I would rock my son to sleep while playing games on my phone. I'd struggle saying nursing didn't work. I'd tell him to "ssshhhh, be quiet, it's sleep time." I'd put him to sleep in his crib, waking at night to rock him again. Leaving him, alone, in his room to sleep. I'd feel frustrated.

Meet New Mom: now I lay down for naps and bedtime with my daughter. The first moments are for her, to look at her, and to enjoy our fleeting time together. I look at her when she nurses. I rub her head and back. She puts her fingers in my mouth. She'll say "hmmm mmmmn" (whatever she's attempting AS she nurses). And I say "yes" "um hmmm" right back. And then she drifts off to sleep. Next to me, tummy to tummy. And stays asleep all night! And wakes me with a cute "coo" or "mama." And were much happier.

Old Mom: I'd wouldn't let my older son come into our bed at night. We'd always snuggle while reading a book, in his rocking chair, in his room. Only a few times did he ask to come to our bed, and we always said no. I don't know why. And deep down it made me sad.

Meet New Mom: after young son was born, and co slept with us until 18 months, we realized how fast our babies grew up. So we started letting both boys occasionally fall asleep in our bed, and then we transfer back to their beds. Now, when baby girl makes 3 kids, we often let them fall asleep in our bed (Fridays and weekends are to be expected, often more, at least on "moms side" of the bed). And now I get hot faster, and often stuck, pinned, between sleeping kids, and I'm thrilled. 

Old Mom: I would say clean up time, and send my son to clean up. I'd come in and see the work wasn't done, I'd start to get angrier and angrier, and then yell at him that he didn't clean up!!! This continued thru my young sons learning to clean up. Sometimes I'd help. Then I helped more when I heard a song on my older sons cd about cleaning up: 

"It's a busy day there's so much to do, can you help me (child's name). Put the books back on the shelf so we leave it neat for somebody else.... You can reach where it's small, and I can reach where it's tall... 20 fingers is what you need, it's fun when it's you and me." I was frustrated. 

Meet New Mom: I know that "modeling" the behaviors you want your child to do is critical!! They need to see ME cleaning up, CARING for my things, HELPING them clean up, TELLING them where things go, and They PUT it away. Sometimes I have to watch dinner in the pan, or change a diaper, or tend to something (because there's always something), but I always help, for at least 1-2 minutes and start the "clean up time." Modeling the behaviors I want them to have. Yes it takes more time in the beginning but within a few months you stop yelling and seeing the kids doing what's expected! And do you know what? It's helped! I rarely yell (about) cleaning up. I've let go of "I'll do it" and instead say "let me show you how." What a Tremendous wonderful change for us!!

I am really learning every day. I know there are so many more examples I can give. Discipline, Schedule, and Hard Work all hold the same value for us as a family, but my approach to teaching these skills and maintaining our lives has - - - grown. I've learned from most of my mistakes, I hope to keep learning and changing. For my sake as well as there own.

I heard those interview with an author who resides with his family in New York City. The book was something about the Archway in Central Park. And entering the gates of Central Park. Anyway, this author was talking about how he tried so hard to do the best for his kids when they were little, and he tried to be the best dad and do everything "just right." And then his son, who grew up and said to his dad 25 years later, "Dad, when I was little you always used to do this one thing.... {Parents: insert here what you do}." The author said, we can try hard at a lot of things like home work every day, and tossing the ball around on Saturdays, but no matter how hard we try we will still do something wrong and something to "screw our kids up."

I laugh at this all.the.time! Especially when we are having really good family moments, and I'm looking at my kids lovingly in the distance, and it hits me. This moment, right now is great, but somehow I'm still making mistakes elsewhere in their lives. Don't think of this as twisted, it's simply true, so I use it as motivation. To keep evolving as a mom, to keep reflecting on my actions, and theirs. To keep thinking about how I can be better. I will make small changes here and there, because it helps to try and be better. Even if it's a little at a time.

 

 

Make mistakes. Breathe, Reflect. And Laugh.Out.Loud