I've always been an advocate for taking responsibility for "what you did do" instead of telling me the typical kids (and often adult) reply "but he...". I didn't realize or actuality my "taking responsibility" philosophy until I had my kids.
As with most things, watching my kids interact it helps crystallize how I feel about the subjects and issues that comeup in real life via the news, NPR, Facebook and Twitter. This post goes a little around the bush when it comes to the issue around the #whyIstayed tweets highlighting that we should ask the abuser "why they hit/hurt" not ask the victim why they stayed. These tweets reminded me how we have come a Long way in our home to evolve and develop the philosophy to: *Take Responsability for what you did do.*
We humans don't naturally take well to "taking responsibility." It's so much easier to deflect, and blame people or inanimate objects: my computer isn't working, he didn't get me the file I needed in time to complete the summary, it's not my fault I had 2 hours of homework and I didn't finishy chores. However this no longer flies in our home. I started seeing my kids, and neighborhood kids telling stories with the *blame something* reason, and parents agreeing with their kid! These observations awakened my frustration when others don't take responsibility for their actions. And frankly when we parents and guardians don't teach our kids HOW to take responsibility.
Enough of the blame game.
#WhyIStayed tweets remind me to teach my kids NOW, a photo by areyousureaboutthatblog on Flickr.
How to Apologize
I once watched the Bachelor: the final rise ceremony (even tho I don't watch the series I always seem to catch this particular season end-episode) and observed the Worst Apology. A brief, insincere, "well I'm sorry for that." Clearly the crappy apology resonated with me because the next day I witnessed one of my older sons one-in-a-dozen apologize to his brother in a lame insincere way and because mom "said so." The TV shows fake apology irked me, and brought to my conscious surface the fact that I hate insincerity. Don't bother apologizing for the sake of saying the words, do it right or don't do it all. I want my boys "to do what's right BECAUSE it's the right thing to do." And do it correctly.
After these two a-ha moments, I googled a proper apology. I knew you needed to say "I am sorry" (while making eye-contact), but I even lacked knowing the other two important parts. A prope apology has 3-steps. First: Acknowledge what you DID do. Second: Saying I'm sorry. And Third: Making up for what you did.
"The TV shows fake apology irked me,
and brought to my conscious surface
the fact that I hate insincerity. Don't
bother apologizing for the sake of
saying the words, do it right or
don't do it all."
For my kids the hardest learning was Acknowledge what YOU did. Kids readily say "I'm sorry I hit you... BUT don't take my toy from me." Instantly defeating the purpose of the apology and using the "BUT he" to instantly blaming the person they hurt. Or the alternative "But I didn't ... (Do what I'm being blamed for). The denial of the younger brother accusation, because the younger brother is slightly off in his explanation of what happened. I just shit it down! Mom says: "Take Responsibility for what you did do!" Oh my! The "But He" and "but I didn't" doesn't fly with that statement. It's not an open-ended "what did you do?" Instead it's direct because I'm telling them to step up and "take Responsibility." We've found that the key element.
I leaned early to teach the kids what "their Responsibility is." Granted after my young son was born this became easier because I witnessed that i am not an octopus and I can't do it all. I also didn't want entitled children - that's a separate blog post. So my standard line evolved. Feed the dog, it's your Responsibility. Clean your room, I don't play their, it's your Responsibility. And when my older son began to argue... Why do I have to empty the dish washer? I said for An Entire Summer in 2014 "it's your Responsibility. I have to make lunch, dinner, take care of baby girl, take care of everyone's laundry... Do You Do That? No! Because those are my responsibilities. Everyone in this house has a Responsibility, and for now, this one is yours." My older son couldn't argue his way outta that.
I'll ice the kids this: it's uber hard to stand their and just say what "you did" without blaming anyone or anything. Extremely difficult even for me as an adult. Taking full Responsibility for your share of the crime, wow! How rarely do we see that happen with adults, let alone kids?
I think I blogged previously of when my older son, then in kindergarten, needed to apologize to his teacher. I made him memorize the 3 steps, And repeat it a dozen times between 3 pm Wednesday and 8 am Thursday. (I am happy to report I'm a better mom and the apology system flows in our house thru practice now and not military drills.)
I personally have lived this apology style after teaching it to my kids. It really is very difficult to simply acknowledge only your portion of the act. But it's also EXTREMELY empowering. Borderline manipulative power. As an aside, when I've witnessed my kids enact the "take Responsibility for what YOU DID do."
Building Character thru Taking Responsibility
Which brings me to an interesting by product of the "take Responsibility" philosophy and "proper apology," building character. I read a fabulous book early in my older sons life titles "The Men they will become," which discussed how character forms and how boys become men. (I think I have blogged about how this book helped me also understand developing a boys "emotional toolbox," see those blog labels too.) He was 2 years old when I was learning about why we need to let boys make mistakes. And when boys take stupid risks, it's their natural way of learning (note: the stupid risks are arguably not INSANE and danger risk levels are curbed because we've done our parenting job and the little voice goes off in my sons head saying "this isn't a good idea!").
Mistakes are critical to child development. But we need to tell the kids, show them to learn from their mistake, and them it becomes a lesson! And a learning. All the while building character, because their doing things, and verbalizing emotionally difficult subjects, embarrassing ones. But I hope, that at this young age - if I ingrained that act of taking responsibility - maybe my kids will not take crazy risks. They've lived a difficult apology, and reparations which prepare them (the boys especially) for preventative good decision making.
Prevention
This parts lasts, because it started when my older son was 6 or so. You don't beat people up. You don't hit girls ever. You can restrain others from hitting you, but you don't start the fight. A gentleman defends his honor, and his family, but he doesn't provoke an attack.
I have also told my boys that when it's time to get married, pick a girl who speaks another language, who can cook as my kids will know how to cook well also), who loves you and who doesn't start fights with you. You shouldn't have to argue a lot.
These are simple principles, but their reiterated very often in our home. Very Often, as often as the dangers of crossing the street!!!
I hope all these values combined: "taking Responsability for what you did do, and reparations," help build their character. To do things in life that are difficult, and build their emotional toolbox.
Then the guiding values of the "qualities their partner should have" in addition to what the kids will eventually find attractive, will help them stay away from people who instigate, and those that live in anger.
And then there's this,....the Church forcing the issues
#WhyIStayed tweets, we can't allow the church to hide it's abuses anymore, a photo by areyousureaboutthatblog on Flickr.
I hope in the end - this helps all of us avoid the #whyIstayed scenario. Because they've been taught to take Responsibility if their actions and words.
Make mistakes. Breathe, reflect, and Laugh.Out.Loud!!!
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