I saw this quote today from Socrates and it so powerfully captured the essence of my day - even unintentionally.
"The Secret of Change is to focus all of your energy not on fighting the old, but on building the new."
My Babcia is 83 years young. She doesn't look her age, she doesn't feel her age (except when her body does), an she most certainly doesn't act her age!! Grandma is a work of art all her own. I seriously don't know anyone else like her. And I know a lot of people and I can read people pretty well, putting everyone sniffly into a category of my choosing.
No one else has her vicious passion and defense of her family (I can say stuff about them but dot you dare!). No one I know can argue you into the ground like her, after words you will have an emotional hangover! You can't finish a sentence or a response because she's already on to the next thought that SHE has. It's rude, and obnoxious, but that's her. Stubborn as a bull, she can laugh you into tears, and be as empathetic and gentle as a new puppy. Morbid in her sense of sharing CNN type news: I tell her I can't believe the recent story of the women who fell asleep drunk on her newborn, she has to "top my story" with "there's a 2-year old baby in Poland that fell out a window and dies of a broken neck...(then to seemingly relate to me)... Where were her parents then?"
And no one is at all illogical like she is, (which explains a lot about my parents). Yet she has "successfully" raised 3 kids, enjoyed partial parenting of 3 out of 5 grandkids and now sees her 3 great grand-children often. Not to say Sunday dinner at her house with the family.
Today I sacrificed a little, enough where it hurt. I had a headache, flu like symptoms, and a sick younger son. Yesterday Babcia wasn't "feeling well." She does have a heart condition, post by-pass surgery, post newly diagnosed A-Fib, consistent high blood pressure, and consistent anxiety. She does always remember what prescriptions she needs to take, she just chooses to regulate her meds as She Thinks she needs them. "I'll take less of this Blood Pressure pill because my Blood Pressure is lower today." Then she'll complain like my 4 year old son how her tummy hurts or she has a headache from "that pill" which she's been taking for a year with no problems. "Take Tylenol," I say. "And add more pills to the mix? No thank you," she replies. My all time favorite is when she goes to a doctors appointment she'll say: "I'm not taking my meds today because I want my Doctor to see what symptoms I have in real life." (You see dear reader, the pills will make the the symptoms stop, isn't that a problem?).
So today Wednesday Babcia calls to take her to a Doctors appointment (which I encouraged her to make). She's suffering from ever worsening anxiety issues and now, I think, she depressed rather often. Her hearts "beating rapidly, pounding," and she "can't live like this!" Not to mention her cheeks burn up and Blood Pressure sky rockets (were talking160-180/90-100). She also gets emotionally crazed, talking loud, stressed out, scared she's gonna die. All understandable.
I had called her electro-cardiologist (fancy) over the last 30 days 3-4 times and asked him to check the Halter monitor she'd been wearing for signs of what's causing these symptoms... And... Nothing. No irregular sinus rhythm, no A-Fib, no flutters (all issues that were
legitimate 30 days ago pre medication controls). Every night shed press the button on the halter to report "heart pounding." She couldn't get to sleep until 1: am nearly every night for days until she'd pass out at 9pm from exhaustion on day 4 or 5. She denies this tho. We've been through this "pounding heart, heart feels like it's gonna jump out of my chest" many times since her by pass surgery 3 years ago. And each time she's wearing a halter monitor for these self reported "symptoms" nothing appears medically wrong. No other symptoms either, like dizziness, shortness of breath, weakness, chest pains etc. All signs of heart related issues.
Finally, after years and tears of us all explaining to her she is Anxious and gets herself "worked up" she finally did start taking anti anxiety Xanex for her attacks. And she felt better. Dare I say - and don't tell anyone this - she loved it. "It relaxes me, it calms me, I've never felt like this." Can you imagine if my Babcia ever for high in her life? That'd be a funny movie...
Before leaving on a flight to Poland she'd be taking the Xanex up to two days before departure to help "calm her nerves." She gets so excited, and anxious, about the good and bad of her trip, her blood pressure sky rockets!!! She gets extremely hyper in her actions and speech! It's a little amusing to watch. And for 83 - she's not slowing down, well a little.
So back to the doctors appointment call: Tuesday I finally I hit my support wall. Her phone calls are becoming weekly!! Weekly!! No longer at 9:00 am like they Once were, not even8:00 am ("so we could get to the Emergency Room before your son gets out of school [at 2:45 you mean?]"). Now she calls at 7:00 ambefore we are waking up to get ready for school!! Ironically these calls from Babcia are the opposite of my mother-in-law who calls always has a "problem" I the weekend (coincidentally when she knows my husband is home.) she called when I had to get my sons report card this week. He was already going there to sit with them for an hour, but she called anyway at 7:00 am.
After I came back to fetch my kids on Tuesday, she starts right in again, literally as I walk through the door with tears in her eyes. I tell Babcia she's depressed, and her racing heart is caused by her emotions. She won't hear of it... "Something's wrong, something's wrong with my heart won't you believe me." I believe you feel this way, but you are so worried you, yourself, make its beating worse, harder, faster... "But I'm so hot this time, I'm burning up." True. She was red in the face, and wearing her house robe, house dress, a turtle neck and undershirt. Long johns and thick socks, all perfectly matched in off whet and light blue - which being dressed to "stay warm" because she's having chills and the layers of clothes has "[yelling in her normal tone] nothing to do with the warm feeling in my chest!" I won't get started on the temperature related issues, or allergies here in this post.
I'm crying too. What can I do? I can't talk anymore about this. There is no progress. I can't be her therapist. I see her often and I am always exhausted afterwards. And I'm feeling guilty for not wanting to help her anymore. My kids suffer when they are there, watching TV or hours, there like little joking beans when I pick them up again... And each phone calls at least an hour because to her, it's all "new symptoms, different this time."
I was done. "Babcia," as I raise my wrists to her in a hand-cuffed motion, "I can't help you anymore. Everyone can have mental health concerns, except you right? Your older son gets depressed during winter. So does your younger son. Your daughter has her mental issues, and your other daughter can't even deal with anything so she's moved / run far away to another state. But you, your perfectly healthy! You have no mental health issues. Yet these are your kids! Your genes!! I have news for you,.... You also have these issues. The halter motion shows it's NOT YOUR HEART! I've told you this is emotions running wild - you say no! I've told you to call our doctor to get new anxiety meds to help you with this issue - you say no! Then there's nothing more I can do for you." And I left her house.
So today, Wednesday she's going to her doctor, to ask "what could these heart signs be?" My idea, my idea, my freaking idea!!!! So we go. So he gets a new script because yes the Xanex could make her feel uncomfortable as she's reported. I won't get into what I think is her trying to understand. She thinks "maybe the Metropolol dose is too high so the Xanex doesn't work right? And this time my chest gets so warm and my heart just won't stop pounding. I get a headache from the amlodopine so, my granddaughter doesn't know until now, I stopped taking it." Ok, so I got into her head a little.
Here's what scary. I can't help her anymore. I've told her when she wants to stop taking a med to call her doctor first. But it's her life, it's her choice. You can't talk to an illogical person about logic. Her doctors use shock and awe, also amusing, yet scary, to watch.
And the quote. I didn't fight the old today. I went, to her appointment, knowing that I'm done feeding the unhealthy behavior. As for the new, I gave counsel. I witnessed my older son in frustration, after being stuck at Babcia for nearly 2 hours and totally off routine, YELL at his younger brother for taking a toy. We handled it and I talked thru a lot with him. Practice a proper apology and gave lots of hugs and kisses.
My lesson? I think I know I can't change my Babcia, but I can only try to help move her along a path where she can help herself. As much as that's possible.
I know of my grandmas mistakes in raising her kids, not only from my mom, and uncles and aunt, but from my grandmas own words. I also know a lot of positive things to DO with my kids from her.
Lastly I know how my mom was, and wasn't, with me. While I had a mostly wonderful childhood, I could've done without the yelling. And that's where I am trying to focus my energy on the new - my kids - and showing them how to do things the right way. Handling arguments. Giving time to the elderly. Balancing time between Family issues. And not yelling and handling things calmly. Trying, always trying.
Make Mistakes. Breath (deep). Reflect and Laugh.Out.Loud!!!
This is a nice reference article on elderly counseling and depression related issues and meds. http://www.mhaging.org/info/olus.html
No comments:
Post a Comment