Snipets of what I say to keep up with our manners (and our sanity) Mom-isms

Mom of two boys and baby girl...OMG. I've reverted too quick comments, and getting POSITIVE words in where I can to make sure were following our manners...often. I try to say what I want the resulting behaviour to be. And keeping up with positive words instead of "no, stop it, don't do that," I try: "do this..., say it like this..., please try...," and (my favorite) "you have to earn it."

Use your words.

Yes they'll sometimes scream or argue, but I encourage them to control their emotion and then label how they feel..."how did it make you feel when your brother screamed...do you like how it feels when you are mean?...please ask for candy, do not grab." And say what they desire, from the spiderman action figure to ice cream..."please use your words...no screaming because I can't hear you...Please ask...please share." and tell them often what they did right "you were very good today,...well behaved, ...nice gentleman or this IS how a gentleman acts."

However I do NOT allow back talk, sassyness or inappropriate sarcasm. They'll hear: "please DO NOT talk to me that way... That was rude, say "I won't say that again Mom."

Showing Love

"Good job...Let's talk about that later (after the meltdown, it helps prevent a meltdown, and sometimes you can discuss when they are more calm)...Keep your hands on your own body...Show me how (to do that)...Kiss your brain...your smart cause You work hard...your sick because you have a Bug in your tummy...Give me a hug... No one kissed me today..." And when my nearly one year old babies started moving around and grabbing everything in sight, I would take the object away gently and say "thank you, thank you!" "No" was saved for dangerous situations like trying to stand in the high-chair.

I say "I Love You" all the time. "Good Morning. I Love You." "When picking up the kids from school, "I missed you today," and I"ll whisper in their ear, "I Love You." "You ate your whole lunch, the sandwich, the ant sticks (celery with peanut butter and raisins) and drank your water! Yaay!!" Big hug, followed by "I Love You."

Manners

"You forgot to say the magic word...that's not how a gentleman acts...go fart in the bathroom...ask to be excused (from the table)...say I'm sorry when you wrong someone...tell someone to "stop it" when they hurt you...use your napkin...I've told you enough to stop (insert X behaviour), now you need to earn your (insert next favorite activity on the schedule, from ice cream to bedtime book) and LET THEM EARN IT!! ...say "Good Game"...I can't see you I can't hear you...I'm in the bathroom, it's private time (when that doesnt' work, "whatever you have to say can wait!") please don't talk to me in that way....ask nicely...say please/ thank you." also I expect my kids to use titles when speaking to/about adults. Don't say Him, "you say Dad, not him."or "Who is she? Mrs. So an so?."

Participate

Tickle fights, snuggle and watch a 20 minute cartoon together, eat dinner together, ..."get me a diaper please, ...I want to play a board game, who's joining me? ...please come say hi to the baby, she missed you today... I love how you are playing nice together...show me 5 (5 minute warning)... Let your brother win, sometimes...sing: clean up time, clean up time, everybody clean up time (mom or dad help too)...keep your hands on your own body...please flush the toilet." "Let's go wash our hands." And when my older son decided to stop after the bathroom hand washing I'd say "it's like eating/playing with pee and poop on our hands ... Do you want that?" He'd ruuuuuun to wash up.

Eat Right

Veggies, fruits, breads, cheese, yogurts.... its about making better choices, understanding portions and when to splurge on a treat! "No cookies today....the tooth fairy wouldn't like that treat...what time is it now? yes, breakfast time. and when do we get candy? Yes, candy is after lunch...in the summer/ have as many Popsicles as you want, after lunch...who's having a snack...I'm having some tea, would you like some?...it's time for a mini scoop (of ice cream)."

Understand Hard Work

To us adults putting toys away is "EZ" - but to a kid it can be complicated and overwhelming. Just like if they fall and scrape their knee, yes they will be OKAY. But first we should acknowledge that they are hurt, and falling down may have been scary. Along these same lines, Say "yes that (whatever they did) was hard (for them!)... That was hard, gimmie five! ... look how many tries that took.... we have to do homework because we are learning to learn... Practice because we do it wrong 100x's and right on the 101st... it looks easy for mom, but it was hard for me once too" (kids don't want to feel they can't accomplish something, and don't want to feel under valued if it's too easy).

"If its not on the list, we don't buy it." this avoids the cries for toys and candy... But occasionally candy and ice cream DO make the list because, after all, they're only kids for a short time! As for spending their own money I offer my advice and opinion to them. But as long as the toy doesn't affect out "rules:" it's safe and doesn't affect their health, they can spend their own money. Look, if they make a mistake, and a bad purchase, that's the best way to learn - for themselves. Kids haven't learned yet that cheap toys break quickly, etc.

Go Outside

Run, jump, fall down, play, ask to play tag with new kids, go say "Hi, my name is," get dirty then come in and learn how to get clean...."outside song: line up, line up, line up, its time to go outside...pee on the other side of the tree...please check for cars...ring the doorbell ONE time, don't yell...say please....check your hands for microbugs...did you use soap?..ask if they wanna play tag...clean up time equals going outside."


These are all ways they learn to be men (and a lady) later in life. I hope they remember these phrases with love and intention.

Where the Wild Things Are? They are at My House!

Blog My Young Son is Wild, and I am At My Wits End... Some boys just can't sit still. Some boys have trouble learning in school. Some boys are constantly misbehaving.  My sons are more like Max, from "Where the Wild Things Are." He has alot of energy and loves to play, and sometimes my boys  are wild.

Does that sound like your son? Now in some cases these misbehaviors is reason for legitimate concern. But before extreme circumstances are implemented, I challenge every mom and caregiver to implement one simple strategy to see if you can help curb the childs negative behaviour and encourage the positive behaviors: use outside time!

1. Boys need to release their energy.

Studies have shown that boys actually are able to focus when they have spent their energy first. I know from extensive personal experience that boys also behave better when they have spent their energy too.  I hate to say it, but we are mammals and just like you need to run your dog every day we need to let our kids run too. Dogs who are in training or already trained won't tear up the house if they have been walked/run because they have exhausted their energy. They're simply too tired to cause any damage in the house. The same theory applies to boys. Really this concept applies to girls as well, but especially boys. My boys get plenty of outside time everyday, usually 1-2 hours throughout the day, even in the winter. It is because we give them ample time to "get their energy out" that we rarely have problems of misbehavior or "wild reactions" in the house.

2. Cut tube time!!

Think about your day, is your son Getting a lot of tube time, more then 1 hour of TV, videos or computer? Is he spending an equal amount of time outside or at least an hour outside everyday? If not then consider when IS he getting his energy out? Boys bodies build up their internal energy throughout the day and need to empty their "energy tank." it is only when the tank is empty that a boy can focus on the task at hand. That means school, the doctors office visit or a civilized trip to grandmas house. See our family schedule which includes limited tube time and plenty of outdoor time resulting in a mostly peaceful household. We even do this before school to help have a productive day of learning.

Take for example our trip to the doctors office for joint appointments (or just tagging along) with 2 boys under age 5. A potential nightmare in some cases. Especially when getting shots. So as often as I can we try to either go to the park before the visit, or arrive at least 20 minutes before our appointment. We park and take a brisk walk around the block while playing our neighborhood games like "Who can run the fastest to that tree?"... Or "Ill race you to the red brick house"..."Who can be the frost to pick up 4 sticks?" I make it a point to include running in the games we play. This way the boys are pooped out tired when they get into the doctors office. They'll generally sit in the chair reading one of our take along books or playing with their toy animals while the other boy is being examined. There's still an occasional reminder of "proper behavior" but for the most part it is a pleasant visit.

Do Not Hit back, Our BIG BOY VOICE Bully Strategy, for the early Primary Years

When my oldest son was a kindergartener some of the older kids were teasing him, almost bullying. They wouldn't let him "be darth maul when playing star wars" or similar scenarios. They would tease him, or tell him his drawings or activities weren't nice. And it was something mean everyday.

Right away my husband said when situations would arise, or if a boy pushed my son, "hit them." I'd rather we be a not hitting household, unless our kids are hit first. And yes my husband was kidding (until they hit High School right?) So when the picking on our son turned to pushing, physically pushing at recess, we knew we needed to empower our 5 year old son.

Our "don't hit 'big boy voice' bully strategy."

Yes, we spoke with the teacher, but teachers cannot be everywhere all the time. And room moms are mostly on the recess lot. In life my son will need to know how to stand up for himself. So after we tried the teacher route, this strategy evolved.

Handling Kids who push, hit, and bully in the early years...

1. Husband said tell them to stop..."Don't do that to me" Clearly, telling the kids what to do is important. But my son wasn't understanding his cute kindergarten voice didn't cut it.

2. I thought of the "use your big boy voice" when telling anything to the kids that tease.  This made a big difference. Our son physically would change his posture and felt empowered in not only with his words but his voice as well. But one kid, the oldest, wasn't stopping, and we struggled with a way to allow our son to handle it. Yes, he can tell an adult, but as he ages he will need to know what to do himself!

We practiced what a "big boy voice" is... many times, with mom and dad and grandma. Practice helps when it is time to actually DO.


If you are reading this post, please post a comment below on what you liked - or didn't  - about this read. Does the topic interest you and you want to know more? Submit a question and I am happy to tackle it.


3. My mom said (Baba Babcia Ula) to help get the kids attention, our son should "touch the kids arm."  Brilliant. This allowed for a sense of intimidation without hitting. Yes, it took courage from our son to get that close to the kid too.

Touch has a very powerful effect. Imagine as an adult when someone touches your arm. You notice the touch. You pay closer attention to the person touching you as a side effect or the touch.  They are also "in your personal 4 foot space" and you will notice them for being so close too.

Eventually a situation came up, and my son said he "knew what he had to do." It worked - one day at recess, when the boy was mean, our son just walked up, put his hand on his forearm, and in a firm, not yelling voice said "Don't do that to me!" and walked away. Instantly, they stopped being mean to him. Granted he didn't always get to play the character he wanted, but the "meanness" from the other boys stopped.

It never happened again!

Make Mistakes. Breathe, reflect and Laugh.Out.Loud!

ONE YEAR LATER
Post Script: One year later, in the first week of First Grade, on his own my son remembered this strategy. Some kid shoved him while playing tag. He used this strategy and firmly held the boys arm and yelled "DON'T DO THAT TO ME!!!" and the boy stared in amazement. A classmate said: "I was gonna tell, but you made him cry." After the pusher stopped crying, my son went to the pusher and said - we can still play, so they continued playing, all 3 of the boys.