Around three years old I started to notice that my son would "reenact" with his stuffed animals books we had read, or something we had experienced that day. He was role playing with his toys what "mom said" and what "he said" in our conversations. Even expressing feelings and inner thoughts during the play that he had not expressed to me. He would tell his pet lion "no you can't have any candy until after lunch." My son would then say: "oh lion, don't be sad." And I realized this is how children learn, by replaying scenarios in their head, over and over, making connections between this situation and that. Mock play helps them filter their emotions and learn how to cope with those feelings.
And sometimes role play turns rough. And now that my son is older, there is sometimes "death" or "sword fighting" in his imaginary play. After a trip to the museum where Pirates were on display we had an extensive discussion about how pirates would sail on the sea in big ships, and they would attack other ships to steal their goods and treasures. Throughout that week all I heard about was pirates, attacking other ships and finding treasure.
But there is something significant missing in his "mock play" - there is no blood, no spilled brains, no gruesome acts, there isn't an over indulgence in death or dying. That's because the "rough play" is imaginary and is not based in reality. He doesn't watch violent video games, bloody or gory scenes in movies, so his concept of rough play is actually pretty mild.
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As parents we need to distinguish "Fantasy Violence" and "Real Life Violence." Fantasy violence is when my son says "I'm gonna kill you alligator" and then pounces on the alligator. He usually DOESN'T describe the blood and the gruesome scenes. However if a boy is watching "Real Life Violence" on TV or in video games, where he sees shooting, spilling blood, murder, then he will internalize that violent behavior and then act it out. So instead of jumping on the alligator to kill it, instead he would enact shooting and describe the spilled blood.
For example: as we read a classic tale of "Ali Baba and the forty thieves," in this version, Ali Babas brother is killed by the 40 thieves, and my son has no concept of what "being killed" is. So I explain it in mommy terms, "the brother went to a dangerous place, the thieves cave. And the brother tried stealing from the thieves which made them very angry. Thieves are bad people because they steal from other people and commit crimes. And when they saw the brother the thieves were mean to him too, and killed him because the brother tried stealing from them." But my son also knew that at the end of the book the thieves were punished for their behavior, and he includes "banishment" as he reenacts this lesson in during mock play.
Clearly in this story there is "violence" - murder of Ali Baba's brother, thieves who steal, and at the end of the book the thieves try to attack Ali Baba. But when my son re-enacted this book, he "talked" about the violence, but he didn't talk about blood, cutting off heads, or other gruesome acts that might be seen on a TV version of this story.
Steps for success:
- Don't let young boys watch violence on tv and video games.
- Limit tube time to less then an hour per day. And if you need non-TV time ideas, read my blog about what should my kids be doing if their not watching TV??- Distinguish between reenactments of "fantasy violence" and "real violence." Fantasy violence is "Ali baba and the forty thieves," "king arthurs knights of the round table," "cops and robbers" or pirates. Real life scenarios include too many descriptions of blood and gore, cutting off of body parts or excess pain and suffering.
You know your child and you can identify what he has learned when he is reenacting. You can observe you childs "play" and use that time to explain what his play signifies, explain acceptable violence, and most importantly how to help him understand it and label his emotions.
Make Mistakes, breathe, reflect and Laugh.Out.Loud
