Moments of Mommy Freedom - get them when you can

Needless to say its difficult to catch a moment of silence with 3 kids. Our naps aren't always in unison, our school and activity schedules aren't either. So I take my "secret deep breath" moments when I can... Ssshhhh - don't tell my kids!

1. Mommy moment - Getting buckled in. So once the kids are all strapped into their car seats, whether we are in the garage or in a parking lot, I stand outside the car - in the silence - and take a deep breath, or 2, or 3!!

Sometimes I will get everyone in and then lock the car and return the cart to the wind stalls. I take my time, I walk slow, I take many deep breaths and enjoy the silence. Believe it or not these mini-moments help me keep my sanity.

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2. Moments while grocery shopping!
When baby girl is strapped into her seat, the 4 year olds in the cart (busy with a cracker or a toy) and I have the older one fetch some items as we go thru the store together. He gets me 5 beautiful red apples, grab that juice, etc. Everyone's actually doing their own thing and I get a little sanity. Their all quiet and busy, as long as our shopping trips short!

"The days are long, the years are short" Enjoy every Moment (of Silence).

Downton Abby: 100 years later, are we an upstairs or downstairs society?

As I watched the last episode of Season 3 Downton Abby last night I started to think, after all these years what's become of our status in society? Who would I have been in the Downton Abbey era? As its incinuated in the show that The Era of the Abbeys won't last much longer. Technology and "modern ways" were taking over, and generations of aristocratic rule were falling by the wayside. So what becomes of the people in the "new times?" Are we living as the upstairs family would have or continuing in life as the service staff would?

Downton Abbey, the Family leads and Service follows

So I started to reflect on my own life. Interestingly enough I'm a daughter of real European aristocrat,  my father and my mom who is from a small village. Granted my parents met here in the United States, and most likely would not have met in their native homeland of Poland. As I was growing up my mother always made it a point that I knew my manners, as did my father. It seemed though that my father pushed away from the family rituals and behavior, and he was not close with his family. But my mother embraced all of the etiquette, formality and properness of it all. Even tho she grew up in a village, her Grandmother was a seamstress, and we think that her Grandmother passed down the importance of dressing well and "for the occasion." Education was important in the home as was "doing well" and "being successful" in whatever you do. She was a woman who understood the quality of fine materials. So ingrained in my mom was dressing well, appropriate for the occasion, and so on,...so she wasnt presented as a "peasent" when she met my dad - and here in the U.S. they were no longer "worlds apart."

Downton Abbey, the Upstairs Family leisurely enjoying news by the fire. 

As you can tell from reading this blog, I feel that manners and etiquette are very important. I'm constantly calling for my boys as "gentlemen, come here," but sometimes I do call for them in Polish slang term for "boys" similarly to the village people. So I guess I show I am a blend of both worlds.

Downton Abbey - downstairs, servant dinner time

Watching Downton Abby has given me so much insight into my father's world. What his parents had to lose after World War II, and what he had to relearn how to live in simplicity when he came to this country. (Instead of following his degree as a physicist, he chose to repair cameras his whole life making less than $25,000 a year. Clearly not the lifestyle he grew up with.) But one thing my father definitely maintained, was the joy and fun in his humor and wit. I would say he's an extremely witty man never answering the question directly, similarly as the Lady Dowager does, always side barring and having just the right answer, just the right way of handling things, when he wasn't being mean to someone of course.

Downton Abbey - Lady Dowager "Vulgarity is no substitute for Wit!"

So now that I have a better understanding of where aristocratic father came from, what does that tell about me? Which side did I end up on? As a mom I'm certainly doing the work of the service people. Laundry, dishes, cooking all our meals, dirty diapers, being a "wet mother" since we're still nursing baby girl, ha ha. And I spend more than one hour every day with my children, unlike the Dowager. This would definitely be the life of service. Thank God for technology, at least I have a dishwasher to be my first assistant / Daisy in the kitchen.

On the other hand my Husband and I have a higher education through to university, we've really taken a lot of love to have a beautiful home, with a wonderful landscape. We take daily walks, love books in our library at home, and have elegant fancy dinners with our family and friends often.

So am I a woman of the upper-class, who has learned how to do menial tasks, and take care of young children? Or am I a woman of service was increased her status to own a home, yet still do menial tasks and take care of children?

I guess it's easier to leave this question unanswered? It can sound extremely arrogant to say because I have an education it gives me an upper hand on those that don't? I don't think I fall in the middle either? If there is a middle? Does an education still raise us up in class? Improve handling life's issues?

But that's not to say that the head housemaid Mrs. Hughes or the head Butler Carson would not handled things wonderfully and they were in service and didn't have a higher education.

The only other thing that I have that is clearly reminiscent of the aristocratic society, is my wit. I often don't answer questions directly and instead will have some very cunning and smart remark that will neither offensed the person but it will sort of "put them in their place."

Where does this leave us? I have to say I really don't know. I didn't dabble in the finances aspect because obviously I don't want to talk about my financial situation on the Internet. But that definitely is a factor to consider if you live "check to check" or if you have something to "fall back on," that'll tell you a little bit about where we've gotten to land socially.

It's two days after writing this post: I'm in the kitchen grabbing our snacks for our outing - my eldest comes in, he's thirsty. The four year old needs me to wipe his booty, and baby girl just picked up yet another Lego for her snack / teething aid!! Can't we just leave? No, the chauffer (that's me too) needs to fetch her keys.

My conclusion: while at heart I am definitely an aristocrat and a well rounded, educated, and well dressed social lady, I'm definitely a downstairs maid / nanny who's been promoted to homeowner and mom. Thus I call myself the "Family Manager." A little education, a little free time, and lots and lots of chores!!


Make Mistakes. Breath, Reflect. and Laugh.Out.Loud

Want to live like the Downton Abbey Crowleys? Make More Time Appear so you can Do Nothing.

Do you ever watch Downton Abbey and think, I would love to live like the Granthems. Have a servant wait on you for every Little need, time for tea, take a leisurely walk, or go to a luncheon, Change your clothes for dinner, take time to write a note, call on family for extended visits and these activities ARE the extent of your day!?!

Obviously the Granthams don't have a "full-time job" or work like we do today, or have to pick up their sons from school and take them to soccer class. Then do homework and make dinner. Because of course so much is done for them. And the servants would do these "mom jobs." And the money, obviously there was oodles and oodles of money!!

But what if I told you that some aspects of this Aristocratic life is possible, even in the 21st-century. The Downton Abbey life is slow, slow, slow, not go, go, go like ours. Our days have so much packed into them it's amazing we get anything done at all. And then I stop and think: why don't I make a life for myself similar to the Granthams? Granted I can't just make money appear, but I can make time appear.

For sometime now I've been looking around my home thinking I haven't touched that (insert item here: picture frame, decorative box, fancy plate, 27 sweaters of which I usually wear only 6) in a year or I haven't done anything with my fancy dishes in two years because my life now is all about the children for me. It turns out De-cluttering our lives is definitely one step toward the Downton Abbey way of life. But the second is prioritizing what we do with our time.

If you are reading this post, please post a comment below on what you liked - or didn't  - about this read. Does the topic interest you and you want to know more? Submit a question and I am happy to tackle it.

It's funny how often a friend will comment I can't believe you have time to do all "that stuff" with your kids (blog readers know we are ALWAYS going to museum, making a project, taking a walk nearly every night after dinner, etc.) With homework and soccer and (insert errands and tasks here) it's nearly impossible to "do it all." So we don't. But in our home all "that stuff with the kids" happens because it's THE Priority!

Recently I came across a couple books at our library, one by Lisa Lynn called Life's too short to fold fitted sheets. And a few more about de-cluttering and getting organized from moms who have done it already. (I have no financial association with these books.)  After reviewing these books, and reflecting on my own life... and more importantly the LIFE I WANT to have... I realized a few key imperatives.


Here's a few steps to how we try to live an Abbey lifestyle.

Number 1: Simplify. Take a look around the house. You notice how in the Abbey there's paintings on the walls, lots of books on the shelves, beautiful simple furniture and that's pretty much it. Simplify, simplify, simplify. Otherwise there's so much to constantly straighten up and clean!! An those projects we've been "meaning to do." (See my giving up on lent post which helped me de-clutter over 40 days.)

-- I have taken the dishes that I don't entertain with and put them in storage, just temporarily. I'm not getting rid of the things that I love. I'm just moving them out of the way (until we entertain again).

-- On the other hand I AM minimizing. Because putting everything in storage doesn't solve the problem either. I limit myself to one or two bins for kitchen supplies and the rest can go into my garage sale (where the proceeds go to my vacation fund)... well, the rest ended up being donated because I don't have time for a garage sale. And the funds raised would've been $100-150. And no, that amount IS NOT worth 2-4 days of my time.

Step Number 2: Simplify with the Children. (And I can only stress the importance of doing this WITH your children.) We filtered through their toys over a period of three days. Again, the more toys there is, then the more there is to clean and straighten. And yes I did it WITH the kids, and not sneaking the toys away while they were sleeping or at school.

How we Worked with the Kids to De-Clutter their Toys.

Day 1:  We made a list of the toys that we love. You may think this step is unnecessary, but later when it comes time to start getting rid of the toys, it's great to be able to reference the list that your children wrote, to remind them of what was important to them. Because its normal as you start filtering's toys, children start to feel a certain level of anxiety and want to save this or that toy.

Day 2: start sorting. So during the process of sorting, I left them put all those "I love that toy and can't get rid of it," into a pile. After we're done filtering I let them keep three or four toys from that "I love it but it wasn't on the list" pile. This way we still get rid of the majority of toys that we don't use, but they get to lower their level of anxiety by keeping those few that they forgot that they love.

Day 3: find a home and keep it there. When we started our Montessori-esque play, we are using trays more with our toys, which helps generate less mess. (Put the toys away on the tray before you get the next toys.)

-- You see once your children go through this process, it's harder for them to go back to just collecting more and more toys. You can use this experience as a reinforcement of why we only will buy what we truly truly need (otherwise we have too much to clean up after).

Step 3: Change your mindset, Keeping it this way, Simple. (And don't keep adding to the clutter you just got rid of.)

-- On our way to the zoo my son said to me mom I saw this toy that I really want you to buy me for my birthday and he began to describe it. I interrupted him and I said "honey I don't buy you toys for your birthday. Mommy and daddy like to buy you "an experience," we go to a special museum, or the zoo, or an activity that you've been meaning to do. Maybe even a hotel overnight. We aren't buying more toys. Other people can buy you toys, but not mom and dad. Mom and dad will buy you an experience."

-- So now we've de-littered and gotten Rid of the "stuff" that keeps us busy straightening and cleaning up, and what eats up our time moving the mess and cleaning the mess. Now that you've gotten rid of it all what are you going to do with that time.

This goes for you too mom! No more kitchen gadgets, 3 more sweaters in different colors, etc.

Step 4. Making the time.

About those books, obviously there was no TV in the Downton Abbey days. And living without TV might not be a reality today. But limiting TV CAN be a reality. See my post about having a schedule which include limiting TV time. When you start to limit TV / tube time, you need to make sure you have a plan for what to do with that time. For us it's often a project, a walk outside, going into the yard. Anything and everything out and about keeping ourselves busy. For us that means no TV on weekdays - no cartoons in the am, and no TV unless we watch something during dinner (not often).

Step 5: what to do with the time.

I caution you when it comes to scheduling (or over-scheduling) activities. Each of my kids goes to school. Then they have maybe one activity that they get during the week like soccer practice and again the game on Saturday. Which us plenty!! (See my post on why education reform doesnt matter. your kids are learning plenty.) That still leaves four weekdays for plenty of that Downton Abbey slow, slow easy-going time. Time to make dinner during homework time or before kids get home from school, clean up after dinner, make a project / time for the kids, talking a walk, hitting the library for an hour, and more for fun time in the tub. Lots more time.

Since chores still need to happen, get help. 

Kids helping empty the dishwasher, so we can go outside - together!

Oh and by the way, here's my separate blog post about mom not being a slave and quality time for mom and kids. Why it's super important to involve your children in cleaning up after dinner and cleaning up their own toys. You shouldn't be the maid to their mess. They need to participate in the chores because that is the world WE live in. (Unlike this blog post about are we upstairs or downstairs 100 years later.) We don't have nannies and governesses surrounding us all the time to do it for us. This way you will ALL have equal amounts of time to share being leisurely, and not MOM'S cleaning up while the kids are playing. Instead we clean up together and have more EQUAL free time together. Simplify and you too can be more leisurely, just like on Downton Abbey.


Make Mistakes. Breathe. Reflect. and Laugh.Out.Loud.