Old merges with New, Part II: a Proper Apology (the Steps in the Apology Process)

Family. It's something that motivates us, drives us insane at times, but will always remain deep with in us. Even when we try to run away from it we can't. We can pretend, but family is always a part of us. 

In my last post I wrote about struggles with my grandmother. Her health fears and my ever waning strength to be of any help, anymore.

I feel guilty helping her when my kids get tossed off during that hour phone call (good luck ending a call with her quickly). There is ACTUAL needs here by my 'lil ones. Actual needs to be met. But when she acts ridiculous and denies helping herself, there's nothing more I can do. 

I have learned a lot over these last few years living so close to grandmas house. More stories about everyone in the family. Having grown closer to grandma (before we grew a little further apart). I've even spent quality time with my grandfather's side of the family whom I had Never Known Existed. Imagine that...

But I'm learning. I'm reflecting on my own life as I hear so many family stories from the generations gone by. Why did so-and-so do this or that? Why can't they handle their life issues? It's a life puzzle that you piece together with stories. And then once you know, about who and why... Let that information heal you.

Knowing WHY things happen is part of the puzzle. Once your life history and puzzle questions are assembled you have a picture of the answers you've been looking for - and then, it struck me: "what are you going to do with those answers."

My tag line in this blog includes "reflect."

I reflect on the new things I learn and take them in. The information almost grows as a new part of me for a while, I digest the information, I sit with it, In my minds eye I look at it, and then I can see how I can hopefully gain some knowledge from the information. 

Usually it's by redirecting my approach with my kids. Learning from the mistakes of those around me and adding in the awesome Rules and Life lessons I've heard too!! When I see a mom screaming, I remind myself of the times I screamed, I reflect on how awful I felt, and my kid/s felt afterwards. Note to self: don't scream.

In my last post I mentioned my sons had an argument with eachotehr. While I was on the phone with my uncle discussing the most recent issue with Babcia and the results of the doctors appointment; the older son started yelling!! I witnessed my older son in frustration, after being stuck at Babcia's house for nearly 2 hours and totally off routine, and now he has to deal with hearing mom on the phone,...well he had enough! He began to YELL at his younger brother for taking a toy. I mean screaming after he lunged across the table attempting to grab it back. 

I finished my phone call with a quick "I have to call you back." 

Without yelling... I said: I think we all need a break.

1. We handled it first by "cooling our jets" and by sending him upstairs to calm down. 

2. Then I asked my younger son what he thought happened. I agree he also deserved to toy to have and play with too.

3. We all went upstairs to talk through the toy issue. 

4. I got my older sons perspective, thru some tears.

5. Next were both boys ideas for solutions to the toy matter. And mom sprinkled in some thoughts when they hit dead ends.

6. Then we went over a proper apology steps:

1. Take responsability for what you did do. 

2. Say your sorry. 

3. Offer to make amends.

7. I lived by example: I also asked for some "private time" to talk with my older son about yelling. I took "responsibility for my own actions" explaining how I yelled when he was little (between baby girls age and younger sons) and that was wrong. And that's probably why he yells. "It's normal to get mad, but we have to control our actions. Mommy doesn't yell anymore, right? Younger son and baby girl don't either, right? Because mommy's changing. I'm not yelling anymore am I? Well you also need to try to not yell too." 

I cried a little. He did too. I said I had a bad day. He did too. I said I was frustrated with Babcia, but that's no reason to yell. He said he was too. But I told him no matter how I feel I can't take it out on the people I love. "Mom what can you do?" He said thru his teared up eyes. 

"Ask for private time. Go for a walk. Go read a book. Anything to not hurt others with your pain. Leave to situation. Sometimes we just need a break from life."

We talked thru options: how to "tell and not yell." Talk try options, but If your mad you need to walk away first, and then if you can't think of how to trade toys or take turns, if that doesn't work ask an adult for help.

8. We called in the other two (who were playing in baby girls bedroom but constantly walking in on our talk [which was allowed because kids learn by observation, and seeing mom stay calm and talk it out is really really good observation]). I said older son would meet us downstairs while he figured out what to offer younger son (3rd step in the apology process). Meanwhile I coached younger son to take whatever he's given [since this is the first time practiceing this process] and say thanks, cause we can trade it for something else tomorrow. [just in case my bright ideas need a little nudge, I give a little push!]

9. Older son apologized for yelling while offering a toy up for play as an offering. 

10. After that it was clearly over. The boys shook hands. 

And I felt better. If even for a Moment. I thought after such a strange day, and "dealing with the old," I felt there was a blending in me of all the good I'd learned. I am going to teach my kids - as best I can - the better way of doing things in life. And that's a great place to be.

Make mistakes (because you will). Breath. Reflect. And Laugh.Out.Loud (or cry like I did today with my son)