I have been reflecting on how I used to be very strict, very schedule driven, and a little uptight. And I always felt good outside with my son. Maybe because I was a little bit "away from it all" when we left the house. He got to run, and I got to breath fresh air.... or maybe it was something I was missing. Something I didn't "get" as a new mom?
Old Mom: when my son wouldn't fall asleep right away at night, I'd get frustrated. If he was thirsty, I'd say "no." If he wanted another story, I'd say "no." And he toss and turn, for 30 minutes or longer..... I'd feel frustrated.
Meet New Mom: one boy is now two boys, and how quickly has time gone by. we have a regular bedtime routine, and if for some reason one or both boys can't sleep, we bend the rules. Now I'll go to my kids bed and snuggle with them. If they can't sleep and they're thirsty we go to the kitchen together and get a late snack (full tummies sleep better). I read them one more book. I rub their back, and give them bunches of kisses. I've learned that saying no in these rare times (maybe 2-3x's per year) just keeps us BOTH up late... I'd rather have a snack, and snuggle until we both fall asleep.
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| Old Mom, Meet New Mom |
Old Mom: Nearly 8 years ago I would rock my son to sleep while playing games on my phone. I'd struggle saying nursing didn't work. I'd tell him to "ssshhhh, be quiet, it's sleep time." I'd put him to sleep in his crib, waking at night to rock him again. Leaving him, alone, in his room to sleep. I'd feel frustrated.
Meet New Mom: now I lay down for naps and bedtime with my daughter. The first moments are for her, to look at her, and to enjoy our fleeting time together. I look at her when she nurses. I rub her head and back. She puts her fingers in my mouth. She'll say "hmmm mmmmn" (whatever she's attempting AS she nurses). And I say "yes" "um hmmm" right back. And then she drifts off to sleep. Next to me, tummy to tummy. And stays asleep all night! And wakes me with a cute "coo" or "mama." And were much happier.
Old Mom: I'd wouldn't let my older son come into our bed at night. We'd always snuggle while reading a book, in his rocking chair, in his room. Only a few times did he ask to come to our bed, and we always said no. I don't know why. And deep down it made me sad.
Meet New Mom: after young son was born, and co slept with us until 18 months, we realized how fast our babies grew up. So we started letting both boys occasionally fall asleep in our bed, and then we transfer back to their beds. Now, when baby girl makes 3 kids, we often let them fall asleep in our bed (Fridays and weekends are to be expected, often more, at least on "moms side" of the bed). And now I get hot faster, and often stuck, pinned, between sleeping kids, and I'm thrilled.
Old Mom: I would say clean up time, and send my son to clean up. I'd come in and see the work wasn't done, I'd start to get angrier and angrier, and then yell at him that he didn't clean up!!! This continued thru my young sons learning to clean up. Sometimes I'd help. Then I helped more when I heard a song on my older sons cd about cleaning up:
"It's a busy day there's so much to do, can you help me (child's name). Put the books back on the shelf so we leave it neat for somebody else.... You can reach where it's small, and I can reach where it's tall... 20 fingers is what you need, it's fun when it's you and me." I was frustrated.
Meet New Mom: I know that "modeling" the behaviors you want your child to do is critical!! They need to see ME cleaning up, CARING for my things, HELPING them clean up, TELLING them where things go, and They PUT it away. Sometimes I have to watch dinner in the pan, or change a diaper, or tend to something (because there's always something), but I always help, for at least 1-2 minutes and start the "clean up time." Modeling the behaviors I want them to have. Yes it takes more time in the beginning but within a few months you stop yelling and seeing the kids doing what's expected! And do you know what? It's helped! I rarely yell (about) cleaning up. I've let go of "I'll do it" and instead say "let me show you how." What a Tremendous wonderful change for us!!
I am really learning every day. I know there are so many more examples I can give. Discipline, Schedule, and Hard Work all hold the same value for us as a family, but my approach to teaching these skills and maintaining our lives has - - - grown. I've learned from most of my mistakes, I hope to keep learning and changing. For my sake as well as there own.
I heard those interview with an author who resides with his family in New York City. The book was something about the Archway in Central Park. And entering the gates of Central Park. Anyway, this author was talking about how he tried so hard to do the best for his kids when they were little, and he tried to be the best dad and do everything "just right." And then his son, who grew up and said to his dad 25 years later, "Dad, when I was little you always used to do this one thing.... {Parents: insert here what you do}." The author said, we can try hard at a lot of things like home work every day, and tossing the ball around on Saturdays, but no matter how hard we try we will still do something wrong and something to "screw our kids up."
I laugh at this all.the.time! Especially when we are having really good family moments, and I'm looking at my kids lovingly in the distance, and it hits me. This moment, right now is great, but somehow I'm still making mistakes elsewhere in their lives. Don't think of this as twisted, it's simply true, so I use it as motivation. To keep evolving as a mom, to keep reflecting on my actions, and theirs. To keep thinking about how I can be better. I will make small changes here and there, because it helps to try and be better. Even if it's a little at a time.
I am really learning every day. I know there are so many more examples I can give. Discipline, Schedule, and Hard Work all hold the same value for us as a family, but my approach to teaching these skills and maintaining our lives has - - - grown. I've learned from most of my mistakes, I hope to keep learning and changing. For my sake as well as there own.
I heard those interview with an author who resides with his family in New York City. The book was something about the Archway in Central Park. And entering the gates of Central Park. Anyway, this author was talking about how he tried so hard to do the best for his kids when they were little, and he tried to be the best dad and do everything "just right." And then his son, who grew up and said to his dad 25 years later, "Dad, when I was little you always used to do this one thing.... {Parents: insert here what you do}." The author said, we can try hard at a lot of things like home work every day, and tossing the ball around on Saturdays, but no matter how hard we try we will still do something wrong and something to "screw our kids up."
I laugh at this all.the.time! Especially when we are having really good family moments, and I'm looking at my kids lovingly in the distance, and it hits me. This moment, right now is great, but somehow I'm still making mistakes elsewhere in their lives. Don't think of this as twisted, it's simply true, so I use it as motivation. To keep evolving as a mom, to keep reflecting on my actions, and theirs. To keep thinking about how I can be better. I will make small changes here and there, because it helps to try and be better. Even if it's a little at a time.
Make mistakes. Breathe, Reflect. And Laugh.Out.Loud
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