Parenting Boys to Become Confident Men
I have often been approached through the years by other moms who witnessed my sons fall on the playground or go through a very-likely-melt-down-situation and the boys handled it with ease. Because there's a secret to teaching boys how to stay calm and think during a crisis. There's those moments we have all experienced that are a boy type crisis-that-is-small-to-you-big-to-the-child, like a scraped knee, a fall from their bicycle, or even the dreaded "he took my toy away." As your son cries from frustration, he's actually looking to you for coping skills - "how do I deal with situation mom or dad."
If you are reading this post, please post a comment below on what you liked - or didn't - about this read. Does the topic interest you and you want to know more? Submit a question and I am happy to tackle it.
A son, age 5 or so, falls and scrapes his knee, and tears start to fall: the frequent parents reply is something like this:
Parent: "Oh honey, you'll be fine." "It's just a scratch." (maybe he'll get a "let me see the scratch.")
And then "go play, you'll be fine," with my personal favorite "be a man."
This is one example, but you can see the point that parents sometimes initially react as if nothing is wrong...
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What just happened here? Do you think your son isn't really hurt or upset?In summary we have just denied our sons emotions. By telling him after his fall that he's "okay," as a parent you are not even acknowledging what he feels and that he is clearly hurt (there is a scratch on his knee, even if it's small, it probably stung for at least a moment or more). So as you replay this situation, over and over through the years, unknowingly, your pushing your son away from understanding his feelings. As we tell our sons "oh, your fine" or "be a man, suck it up," you are ACTUALLY telling them "you are not hurt," "you are not angry." Over time this evolves to our boys NOT learning how to label their feelings and instead they learn to IGNORE their feelings.
Think about when you tell your son to "stop crying." Your actually telling him "you are not feeling angry, or sad." And after not being able to label his feelings , he won't be able to cope with his feelings.
Yeah. I know you never thought of it this way, right. As for the boy, he learns "oh, what I am feeling is not real, this emotion isn't happening." He is growing up confused about his own natural emotions and is becoming a confused man. Come on ladies, think about your husbands or boyfriends who can't say 'I love you' or who can't answer your questions in a heated discussion. Yeah, this is why, cause his mom didn't acknowledge his feelings as a boy (so why would he suddenly be able to face those emotions as an adult?)
I'm not saying over indulge the situation because that's not healthy either...but here's a few basics to try: (even for older children this works.)
How to help your son through a Crisis (a fall, or tears for any reason):
1. In any situation where your son is in "crisis," give a hug!
Without saying a word you are acknowledging his feelings (he's hurt, or afraid of what just happended, and that hug says "I know your hurt.") Hugs are a simple, no cost and quick way to show your son "I'm proud of you," "I love you" (great for those dads who find these words hard to say) and the hug acknowledges what your son is feeling in that moment.
{As an aside if your son is crying and is so frustrated he won't stop crying, I tell my boys to go into another room until they are done crying. I'll let them cry for about 5 minutes, and then I'll go in to try and comfort them. EVEN if my son is crying because he did something wrong, it is our job as the parent to teach him HOW to deal with the situation and help him through it. Sometimes you may want to skip over what occured or why he was crying, but you will see in step 4, we always need to talk the situation over with our kids.}
2. Acknowledge the fall or situation: you say "I saw you fall, are you ok?"
Or you can ask where it hurts if you didn't see the fall. Accept your sons emotions - and resist ignoring what your son feels by quickly saying "your okay" as he's crying!! Yes, I know his hurt may be minor ("that kid took my toy away") and you the adult know this isn't so serious, but to a little boy that moment of crisis IS the end of the world. And its your job to help show him how to deal with it.... And DON'T tell him "you'll be fine" until step four. Right now the objective is to recognize and label your sons feelings "Son, I see your are hurt," or angry, frustrated, etc.
3. Label the emotion and Ask if he needs anything.
Believe it or not after such a simple injury they'll usually run off and play (instead of standing and screaming for extended periods). Offer to clean the wound, even a bandaid if it's handy, again the goal is acknowledging his feelings - by following these actions your saying "I know you are feeling {insert emotion} hurt/sad/angry." Or offer a sippy cup or a Popsicle, sometimes that is soothing enough. Even for a purely emotional crises, a Popsicle heals so many "wounds."
4. After he's calmed down you can talk about what happened.
And this is CRITICAL - ask him "how did this fall/situation make him feel? And if he can't label his feelings like "Im sad, or I am angry," you can help him label what he feels and say "I can see you are upset" or "I can see you are embarrassed because you fell."
Then you can explain briefly HOW to be more careful so this doesn't happen again (don't just say be more careful, that's so abstract to a little boy, even to a teenager). You can reassure him at this point that "you'll be okay." (He will feel so relieved knowing his scraped knee doesn't mean he needs to have his leg amputated.) And I said briefly, because your son will eventually run off to play, and his brain continues processing this situation. He might at some point, ask you questions about what he just "survived" (for him it was survival...).
The Aftermath
If you follow these steps you will find over time your son will simply run over for that hug, and then run off. He will be more confident even at a young age. I live this philosophy with my boys and they truly adapt well in uncomfortable, new, or scary-to-a-kid situations. Even doctors visits with vaccines are not overly traumatic. There's a quick yelp instead of screaming drama, this philosophy will
transcend your parenting nightmare situations! Really.
Hopefully later in life, your son who has been coached thru his feelings will later be able to deal with them.
If you are reading this post, please post a comment below on what you liked - or didn't - about this read. Does the topic interest you and you want to know more? Submit a question and I am happy to tackle it.
Watching the London 2012 Olympics Men's Gymnastics, and they keep making mistakes. Surprising mistakes that high trained athletes don't make!! Then an announcer said that "emotions run high at these events, and you can feel their excitement walking up to their performances." Then after the errors they said "it must be the enormity of the situation." Those men (young teenage- 20 something's) could very possibly be unable to deal with their emotions. It's not all the men who were struggling... But those who couldn't control that excitement made the errors. Knowing what I do from my children and the countless other boys in our lives... My theory holds a strong case. Go Men's Gymnastics... Cheering hard for you.
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